This user used to be close to her maternal aunt and wanted to attend her out-of-state funeral. When her father said no, she decided it was time to move out!
OP (Original Poster) is a 17-year-old girl whose aunt died three days before this story was posted due to organ failure from alcoholism.
The aunt’s memorial was set to be in Illinois while OP lived in Michigan.
Complicated Family Dynamics
OP’s parents are divorced, and she is currently living with her dad. She hadn’t been allowed to visit her mother’s side of the family since her first year of high school due to her parents being divorced and her mom and grandmother having a huge falling out.
In one of the comments, she explained the reason for this strained dynamic, saying, “My stepdad was emotionally and mentally abusive and was awful to me for years. My grandma was visiting and stood up for me and my siblings about his behavior. Told my mom if she wanted out of this relationship, then she had people, and my grandma was there for her. My mom didn’t like this, and my stepdad called the cops, and they haven’t talked since. My stepdad’s behavior toward me is also why I am living with my dad currently.”
However, even with their family’s strange and strained dynamics, OP noted that she had many “fun memories” with her aunt and had “loved her deeply.” So, knowing how important it would be for her, OP’s grandmother had invited her to the memorial service.
Paying Her Respects
It meant a lot to OP that she could go to the funeral. It would allow her to say goodbye, as well as be there for the rest of her family that had lost a daughter, sister, cousin, aunt, and more.
All Costs Covered
Since she was a minor, she was grateful that her grandmother offered to cover all the costs, from the plane ticket to the hotel room.
All that was required of OP’s dad was to give permission and for him to drive her to the airport.
Shut Down Fast
Unfortunately, before OP could even finish telling her dad all of this information, he shot her down.
He told her that she absolutely was not allowed to go because she could “count on one hand” how many times she had seen her aunt.
While OP was at work, she texted her father. She told him that she was “incredibly and unimaginably furious” at him for not allowing her to go and for him using the excuse that she didn’t know her aunt well when it was his and her mother’s fault for not allowing her to visit them in years.
In a text, she wrote, “I am so incredibly and unimaginably furious at you right now, Dad. I asked to go to my Aunt Jamie’s funeral to not only act as a way to say goodbye but also be there for everyone who lost a daughter, sister, and aunt.”
Everything Is Arranged
She explained again how her grandmother had offered to pay for everything and that she’d only be missing about six hours of school. OP concluded her text by reiterating her anger about the whole thing.
She texted, “I’m so upset I need a few days to calm down, honestly.”
Time to Grow Up
Her father didn’t take her angry text well. He quickly replied with his own explanation, stating that not every person can always attend a funeral, especially when it’s out of state.
He said, “You know, now I’m incredibly upset. Not every person can go to a funeral, especially when it’s in a different state.”
OP’s dad didn’t stop there, though. He pointed out that he wasn’t comfortable letting her go through a Detroit Metro Airport by herself, and he thought she should be ashamed of herself for getting upset with him for telling her no.
Her dad texted, “Am I going to let you be at Detroit Metro Airport by yourself? Absolutely not. Shame on you for getting p***** at your dad for saying the word no.”
Just a Baby
Her father continued texting, angrily telling her she needed to “grow up” and understand that people won’t always get what they want out of life.
He wrote, “You need to grow up and understand you’re not going to get your way all the time!”
Pointing Out Shortcomings
He added that OP didn’t even know how to do her own laundry yet. He was also concerned she’d do something like leave her wallet or phone behind on a chair at the airport.
Time to Be On Her Own
OP was so angry over all this that she is now considering moving out as soon as she turns 18.
She doesn’t feel as though she’ll ever be able to forgive her dad for not letting her go to the funeral, especially not for the flimsy reasons he gave.
Not a Child Anymore
The entire situation infuriates her because it isn’t like she “asked to go to the mall” and then threw a tantrum after he said no.
There’s absolutely nothing that should be stopping her from going to her aunt’s funeral with her grandmother covering all the costs, and she desperately wants to be able to say her “final goodbyes.” OP concluded by admitting that she knew she was grieving and was uncertain if these emotions were causing her to blow the entire thing out of proportion.
Redditors’ Two Cents
The community was fast to side with OP and state that she had a right to attend her aunt’s funeral to say her goodbyes, especially when all the costs were being covered.
One user said, “Okay, first, a funeral is a big deal, and your grandma is taking care of almost all of the logistics. Your dad is dismissing your feelings. You can miss someone you haven’t seen in years! And I don’t believe for a minute that he said no because you might leave your wallet behind. If your dad were actually concerned about you traveling alone, he could find ways to help you. Walk into the terminal with you, text you every so often to remind you to locate your stuff, give you a credit card for emergencies, etc. I can’t tell what his issue is—maybe he wants to keep you away from that side of the family, maybe he’s not ready to let you grow up—but he’s sure as hell not thinking about your needs here.”
“Not the a**hole. Educational psychologist here, and your dad is being very unreasonable. Arguments are weak, and preventing you from this will negatively affect your relationship with him for years. No one would blame you for going low or no contact once you can leave. If you can’t get a ride to the airport, your grandma can order a ride for you. I hope you get to go,” commented another Redditor.
Others laid down some helpful advice for OP to help her cope with her grief and deal with her dad.
One said, “Whether it be an inability to accept change or the passage of time, or a desire to see their baby as a baby forever, or punishing the other parent, or whatever other reason—whether it be ignorant or malicious—refusing to help your children mature into adults and then belittling them for it is beyond toxic and damaging. OP, give yourself some space when you can. Find some adult mentors who are enthusiastic about your abilities and promise. You are capable and worthy of more.”
“I feel like you could have contacted them regardless of your father’s wishes. He is your parent, not your owner. Rather than trying to convince the unconvinceable, you should have ignored his opinion on the matter as much as possible. Not the a**hole here.”
Do you think OP is overreacting and should accept what her father said? Is her dad being unreasonable, and should he let her attend the funeral?
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This post first appeared as A 17-Year-Old Is Itching to Move Out After Her Inconsiderate Dad Forbade Her From Attending Her Maternal Aunt’s Funeral. She’s Absolutely Heartbroken, but He Says She Needs to “Grow Up!” on Quote Ambition.