He and his wife supported their daughter and saved money to help her transition. But then she suddenly demanded they pay for everything, and it just wasn’t feasible!
A Family of Five
OP (Original Poster) and his wife have been together for years and consider their household part of the lower middle class. They also have 3 children: 24, 16, and 11.
The Rainbowed Truth
Three years before OP shared his story on the thread, their eldest came out to them as transgender. They supported her and told her they would help in any way to ease her transition.
Don’t Worry, I Got It!
However, she said she had everything covered since she graduated, moved out of their home, and has a decent job and considerable savings.
OP wrote, “She had already spoken to her insurance company about coverage, seen a doctor about starting hormone replacement therapy, and was seeing a therapist. I felt she had things in order, but my wife had the foresight to start putting money aside for my daughter so we could help reduce any future costs.”
Living Her Best Life
A year later, his daughter moved to a more LGBTQ-friendly city for better job opportunities and to expand her community. Another year later, she created a second Instagram account and would post expensive trips she was taking with her boyfriend and friends.
Financially Independent Woman?
Soon, OP and his wife grew suspicious of their daughter’s trips and asked how she was paying for them. She explained that she saved for them and her boyfriend was helping her pay.
OP said, “Since she is an adult, we didn’t dig deeper.”
Then, a week prior to sharing this story, OP’s daughter came home for his 50th birthday and told them she was ready to start scheduling her surgeries. Her insurance will cover the “bottom surgery.”
However, surgeries like breast augmentation and getting a feminine face and body are considered cosmetic. Therefore, they’re not covered, and she must pay out of her own pockets.
When they asked her how she intended to pay for all of that, she told her parents she wanted them to pay for everything.
So, OP’s wife told her about the money they set aside, which amounts to about $4,000. But their daughter said she needed over $40,000 for the surgeries and possibly more to pay for her living expenses, given that she won’t be working while she recovers.
Drowning In Debt
Shocked, the couple asked her about the money she saved, and she lied, telling them it wasn’t enough. When they pushed more, she broke down, admitting she had zero savings and was in debt.
Apparently, the city she moved to had a higher cost of living than expected. Additionally, the trips she took were paid for by her savings, credit cards, and payday loans.
It Must Be $40,000!
He then told his daughter that they were not in a position to give her $40,000, but the money they saved could go toward her debt. But she cried and, again, said that she needed the full amount or she would never be a “real woman.”
OP wrote, “My wife and I tried to come up with reasonable solutions, but my daughter kept insisting on the full amount.”
So Self-Absorbed, so Inconsiderate
At some point, OP’s wife told their child she was being “selfish” for not thinking about her siblings, who still needed their support. The two argued, and eventually, their daughter left the house.
OP added, “Now I’m at a crossroads. I am considering getting a second job to help my daughter so she doesn’t do anything she’ll regret, but then again, I feel that she needs to learn that my wife and I can’t fix everything.”
Solutions and Conversations
In an update, OP shared that he talked to his wife and showed her his post on Reddit. They agreed that he won’t get a second job and are going to take some suggestions that have been given to them by Redditors into consideration and speak to their daughter about a solution.
What People Have to Say
Redditors said that OP’s daughter is irresponsible when it comes to money, and this issue transcends transitioning.
The top commenter wrote, “Not the a**hole. To me, it sounds like this has more to do with money than her transition. Your daughter is 24 and financially irresponsible. That’s a life lesson she needs to learn now, the hard way: don’t spend money you don’t have on things you can’t afford. If you bail her out now, that’s not helping her; it’s enabling her.”
The same person added, “Getting a second job to help pay for all the wishes of your financially irresponsible grown-up child will not teach her anything. You want to help her? Help her with handling money better. Help her create a plan to pay off debt and earn the $40,000. Help her set a budget, teach her how to handle money.”
How to Handle One’s Finances
Others noted that instead of getting a second job, OP and his wife should help and teach their daughter how to handle money and how she can avoid her past mistakes in the future.
“Not the a**hole. Your daughter is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her finances. Her need for surgery is real but doesn’t trump every other need in your life, including your other children and your own retirement. Keep in mind you also don’t need to decide this minute; this probably needs to be a series of conversations regarding how much you’re willing to help, how she’s going to own up to her financial mistakes thus far, and how she’s going to do better in the future,” a commenter wrote.
Choose and Act!
According to Redditors, OP shouldn’t give in to his daughter’s wants and let her face her responsibilities.
One Redditor said, “Not the a**hole. She’s a grown adult living out of home. She’s able-bodied and can work, and so can her boyfriend. Do not let her guilt trip you into paying for these surgeries. The surgery is her decision to make and not your responsibility. You have two other children who are dependent on you and not just for money. They and your wife would suffer if you had to get a second job, not to mention the toll it would take on your health with all the added stress. Stand firm.”
Another person wrote, “Not the a**hole. She should get her priorities straight. She spent her savings and went into debt to go on vacations! You shouldn’t have to get a second job for her foolishness.”
Was OP a jerk for not giving his daughter such a large amount? Do you think his child’s irresponsibility caused her to be in a bad situation?
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This post first appeared as A Father Refused to Fund His Transgender Daughter’s $40,000 Gender-Affirming Surgeries. She Says She’ll Never Be a “Real Woman” Without Them, but It’s Her Fault She Squandered Her Savings in the First Place! on Quote Ambition.