This user has an autistic sister who is high-functioning but cruel. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, but his parents expect him to take over as a caregiver after they’re gone!
OP (Original Poster) is a 17-year-old male who has a 14-year-old sister with autism. She’s verbal but has issues with social cues, and OP doesn’t like to spend much time around her.
A Sharp Tongue
OP’s sister had a mean streak and reserved her worst outbursts for him. He struggled to be around her because she had no filter and had said the cruelest things imaginable.
It had gotten so bad that OP often had to leave the table when they were having dinner or leave the house once she got started. If he stayed, he was always worried that he would be unable to control himself and explode.
OP’s parents have told him that he needed to understand that it was autism making his sister behave this way. They reminded him that she had a therapist and was working on improving.
A Harsh Reality
His parents wanted him to be more understanding, but OP had trouble doing so.
One time, when he walked away, his parents scolded him, prompting him to ask if they would prefer he just told her to “f*** off.”
No Common Ground
Being parents, they didn’t want OP to think of his sister that way. However, OP had been keeping things in for so long and told them they didn’t even know half of what was happening.
Instead of listening to their son’s issues, though, OP’s parents were “appalled” at the behavior he showed.
However, OP was simply done being called a “dumb f***” or “ugly” by his sister.
It Gets Worse
His sister would also laugh at OP because he has dyscalculia.
Aside from this, one time, OP was upset because his boss was hospitalized. Instead of being sympathetic, OP’s sister mocked him for caring that his boss was sick.
She was so mean to everyone that OP wouldn’t even bring his friends around. However, although OP’s sister was brimming with negativity for others, nothing could ever top the way she was around him.
To top it all off, his sister can’t be left alone because she won’t eat or use the bathroom when she should. She had been so lost in her own world that they had tests done to see if something else was wrong with her.
Hospitalized for Self-Harm
It had gotten so bad that OP’s sister had been hospitalized because she hadn’t eaten or used the bathroom properly. She tended to shut down, put herself in dangerous situations, and always needed more help.
Because of this, OP believes that his sister will never be able to live entirely on her own.
A Desperate Plan
Then, OP explained that his parents had made a plan that he would take care of his sister when they were gone or couldn’t anymore. It had never bothered him, but as he got older, he realized there was no way he could do it.
The Truth of the Situation
OP knew he couldn’t care for her, stating, “I didn’t mind before. But now? No. I’m not doing it. I do not have the patience to love her through all her s***** behavior.”
He didn’t want to be around her at all because she would keep getting worse the older she was; he could foresee this happening in the future, too. In fact, he was already at the point where he wished he “didn’t have to see her every day.”
The Truth Comes Out
A week before OP shared his story, his parents told him that he had to be more understanding because he had to be the one to care for her when they were gone.
OP couldn’t hide his feelings anymore and told them they should “start saving for her future” to get a caretaker because it wouldn’t be him.
Hopes and Dreams
OP told his parents he couldn’t deal with “that” every day of his life. He wanted to get married and have a family, including kids, and he wouldn’t want them exposed to that language or behavior.
This angered OP’s parents, who told him he had to “do better” because she was his sister. For a whole week, their family interactions were strained, and they claimed he was treating her worse than she had ever treated him.
He asked, “Am I the a**hole? She’s still young, and maybe she will improve a little with all her therapies trying to teach her how to treat people. Maybe I’m too angry at her for stuff like this. But also, I waited until my parents brought it up to tell them, and I knew they wouldn’t be okay with it. So it was kinda making more conflict between us.”
Redditors had a lot of say about this but generally agreed that OP was not the a**hole.
One summed it up nicely, saying, “As an autistic person, not the a**hole. Autism isn’t a pass to be mean. And you have no obligation to be in an environment where you are treated like that. Your health matters, too.”
Another pointed out, “Not the a**hole. Wow. Just wow at your parents foisting that responsibility on you. Even if you were the best of friends, that’s a lifelong commitment they were just expecting you to pick up. What about your life, your dreams, your future? Without the anger, you need to spell out to them that you are your own person. You have a right to live your life and not just be a caretaker for your sister. I feel for her and her future. But your parents absolutely should start planning now.”
Decisions and Consequences
OP doesn’t want to be responsible for his sister, and it doesn’t seem like he should be.
As one Redditor put it, “Not the a**hole. When you are 18, get out, go to college, or get a job and your own place. Your sister is not your responsibility.”
“The main thing to understand is that they are scared. Terrified, in fact, of what will happen to her once they aren’t there. They have no idea what to do, and that is why they took the easy way out of deciding that they’d simply sacrifice the rest of your life. It’s a tough situation, but ultimately, they are the ones who brought her into the world, not you. They need to come up with an actual plan for long-term care,” said another.
Should OP spend his whole life taking care of his sister? Was he right for wanting to live his own life?
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This post first appeared as He Refused to Be His Autistic Sister’s Caregiver Once Their Parents Passed Away, so He Demanded They Save for Her Long-Term Care. Now They’re Furious, Saying He Should “Do Better!” on Quote Ambition.