70 Chandler Bing Quotes That You’ll Never Ever Forget

We’ve compiled our favorite Chandler Bing quotes to learn more about his kind, loving, and hilarious personality!

Chandler Bing is one of the six main characters in Friends. He is portrayed by Matthew Perry—an actor known for his witty and sarcastic sense of humor.

Throughout the show’s many seasons, we see Chandler mature from an awkward adolescent to a loving and supportive husband and father.

Every Friends fan has a favorite character, but it is universally agreed that Chandler is the funniest one of the bunch.

If you need any proof, just look at the staggering list of quotes and lines he delivers on the show.

Start reading here.

And don’t forget to check out these Friends TV Show quotes and Joey Tribbiani quotes.

Best Chandler Bing Quotes

1. “I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”

2. “It’s always better to lie than to have a complicated discussion.”

3. “Hi, I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”

4. “I’m not great at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

5. “What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”

6. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”

7. “I’m funny, right? What do you know? You’re a door. You only like knock-knock jokes.”

8. “We swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sounds good?”

9. “When I was younger, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.”

10. “I can handle this. ‘Handle’ is my middle name. Actually, ‘handle’ is the middle of my first name.”

Famous Chandler Bing Quotes

11. “Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!”

12. “You’ll be carrying their baby and giving them a Sony Playstation?”

13. “So it seems like this internet thing is here to stay.”

14. “Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple. It opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.”

15. “I am glad we are having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”

16. “It’s so hard to care when you’re this relaxed.”

17. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last twelve hundred times.”

18. Ross Geller: “Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine.”

Chandler Bing: “Okay, but you’ll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we’ll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.”

19. “I’m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I’ll regret it.”

20. Joey Tribbiani: “You’re smoking again?”

Chandler Bing: “Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I’m smoking still.”

21. “Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow, tin chest.”

Also read: Famous Quotes, Phoebe Buffay Quotes

Chandler Bing Quotes That Highlight His Personality

22. “Until I was 25, I thought that the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh, crap!’”

23. “When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”

24. Ross Geller: “I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?”

Chandler Bing: “Because you’ve only known her for six weeks. I’ve got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I’ve had a longer relationship with.”

25. “Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”

26. Rachel Green: “Ta-da!”

Chandler Bing: “Are we greeting each other this way now? ‘Cause I like that.”

27. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!”

28. “You didn’t ‘get’ me. It’s an electric drill. You ‘get’ me, you kill me!”

29. “Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”

30. “I want to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say I don’t have goals!”

31. Ross Geller: “Don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard pecs?”

Chandler Bing: “No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.”

Funny Chandler Bing Quotes

32. “She’s right. If I were a guy and—did I just say, ‘if I were a guy?’”

33. Ross Geller: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”

Chandler Bing: “Was that place the sun?”

34. “Oh, we’re just sitting here doing nothing. It’s our rehearsal for tomorrow.”

35. “I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.”

36. Janice Goralnik: “What a small world.”

Chandler Bing: “And yet I never run into Beyonce.”

37. Monica Geller: “Okay, I’ve got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.”

Chandler Bing: “How do you find clothes that fit?”

38. “You have to stop the Q-Tip when there’s resistance!”

39. Monica Geller: “Hey. Where’s Joey?”

Chandler Bing: “Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?”

40. “Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your ‘cancer’ and your ’emphysema’ and your ‘heart disease.’ The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.”

41. Ross Geller: “That guy Mark from Bloomingdale’s. She thinks he’s just being nice to her, but I know he really wants to sleep with her.”

Chandler Bing: “It’s seven years ago. My time machine works!”

42. “Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my 50s and my diamond shoes are too tight!’”

43. “Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!”

44. Joey Tribbiani: “I really need to organize my thoughts.”

Chandler Bing: “Your thoughts? Plural?”

45. “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.”

46. Ross Geller: “No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”

Chandler Bing: “Well, maybe he was nervous.”

Chandler Bing Quotes to Broaden Your Imagination

47. “Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”

48. “Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.”

49. Chandler Bing: “An 80-foot inflatable dog loose over the city? How often does that happen?”

Phoebe Buffay: “Almost never.”

50. Phoebe Buffay: “For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.”

Chandler Bing: “I don’t think you can make that statement unless you’ve been kicked in the area, God only meant to be treated nicely.”

51. “On second thought, gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection? Could’ve said, ‘gum would be nice,’ or, ‘I’ll have a stick,’ but no. For me, gum would be perfection. I loathe myself.” – Chandler Bing

52. “I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it’s like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.”

53. “Should I use my invisibility to fight crime, or for evil?”

Great Chandler Bing Quotes to Help You Revisit Your Favorite Friends Episode

54. Monica Geller: “And I assume Chandler, you’re still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.”

Chandler Bing: “Yes every single one of them.”

55. “I’m a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. Hi, Rasputin!”

56. Monica Geller: “Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?”

Chandler Bing: “Why is your family Ross?”

57. Joey Tribbiani: “Some girl ate Monica.”

Monica Geller: “Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds!”

Chandler Bing: “So how many cameras are actually on you?”

58. “Nice camouflage. For a minute, I almost didn’t see you.”

59. “So, I figure I’ll be a crazy man with a snake, y’know? Crazy Snake Man. And I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. ‘Run away from Crazy Snake Man,’ they’ll shout!”

60. Chandler Bing: “I got her machine.”

Joey Tribbiani: “Her answering machine?”

Chandler Bing: “No. Interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.”

61. Monica Geller: “I think I’d be great in a war. I’d like, get all the medals.”

Chandler Bing: “Before or after you’re executed by your own troops?”

62. “Paying me the 50 bucks can be the new thing you do that day!”

63. “Could we be any more white trash?”

More Chandler Bing Quotes for Fans of Friends

64. Joey Tribbiani: “Okay, ducks are heads, because ducks have heads.”

Chandler Bing: “What kind of scary clowns came to your birthday?”

65. “I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work, and are sick.” 

66. Ross Geller: “Okay, look. You don’t have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That’s not so scary is it?”

Chandler Bing: “Depends on what you mean by ‘we.’”

67. Shelley Long: “Hey gorgeous, how’s it going?”

Chandler Bing: “Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights—does it get better than this?”

68. “So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!”

69. Ross Geller: “What are you doing tonight?”

Chandler Bing: “Why, do you have a lecture?”

Ross Geller: “No.”

Chandler Bing: “Free as a bird, what’s up?”

70. Ross Geller: “She’s got to go back to London. But, you know what? I’ve been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together and then that’s it.”

Joey Tribbiani: “That’s what all my relationships are like.”

Chandler Bing: “Yes, but in Ross’ case, they both know in two weeks that’s it.”

Do You Wish You Had a Friend Like Chandler Bing?

Every group has that one funny guy. However, if you have a friend like Chandler, you are incredibly fortunate because though he tries to be funny, he knows how to support and encourage you. His natural wit and humor are sure to brighten your day, no matter how bad it originally was!

Chandler Bing’s jokes can be brutally honest and borderline offensive. However, there are many valuable lessons we can take away from them. For one, he emphasized the importance of accepting your friends’ flaws and loving them despite their differences.

He also made us understand that being awkward is okay. Chandler does not attempt to conceal this trait, especially with his friends. This quality of his is so relatable that many fans came to love him even more!

No doubt, Chandler’s presence brings lightness and joy to every corner of the room. So, whenever you need a pick-me-up, feel free to reread the quotes in this list.

Which Chandler Bing quotes made you smile? Do you have any more quotes to share? Please, leave a comment down below.

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