25 Major Payne Quotes That’ll Have You Chuckling All Day

Reading these Major Payne quotes will be a great way to start your day with a smile.

Military movies are seldom fun and light. However, that’s exactly how we’d describe Major Payne. It’s a 1995 comedy that zooms in on how a discharged military officer attempts to train a dysfunctional group of cadets so they can win the Virginia Military Games.

Because he’s leading a group of delinquents, Payne takes on a hard stance when it comes to their training. He asserts his authority whenever possible and is brutal with his tasks and punishments.

There were countless instances where the cadets just wanted Payne out. However, having spent much time together, they came to appreciate each other. It even came to a point where Major Payne refused an offer to be deployed again.

Discover what Major Payne has to offer by reading this list of the movie’s best quotes. We’re positive you’ll laugh out loud all day!

And make sure to check out these A Few Good Men quotes and Hellraiser quotes.

Best Major Payne Quotes

1. Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Here I got somethin’ for ya.”

Emily Walburn: “What is it?”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “A bullet. It’s somethin’ special. It’s from my heart.”

Emily Walburn: “Really? Well, where did you get it?”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.”

2. Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Got no worries, got no stress.”

Cadets: “Got no worries, got no stress.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “‘Cause we feel good in our dress.”

Cadets: “‘Cause we feel good in our dress.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Major Payne’s a major pimp.”

Cadets: “Major Payne’s a major pimp.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “He makes us squat when we piss.”

Cadets: “He makes us squat when we piss.”

3. General Elias Decker: “Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “General, surely there must be somebody left who needs some killing—or some killing done for them.”

General Elias Decker: “Sorry, Major. There’s nobody left. You’ve killed them all.”

4. Drug Lord: “You’d better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Maybe not, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra guacamole sauce!”

5. Emily Walburn: “He’s trying to show you some affection.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “I don’t like it. It makes me feel all funny.”

6. Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Maybe I like you.”

Emily Walburn: “Just like?”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Maybe I like you a lot.”

Emily Walburn: “That’s it?”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Don’t push the ‘maybes,’ baby.”

7. “One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back, or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

8. “My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne! As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer! See now, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butts without my say-so! Know this: killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

9. “Let me tell you something, ass-eyes. Let me tell you all something. War has made me very paranoid! And when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

10. Marine Private: “Ahhh, my arm, my arm!”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm? Now you might feel a little pressure.”

Marine Private: “Ahh! My finger, my finger!”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Works every time.”

11. Major Benson Winifred Payne: “He in there? If he’s still in there, he ain’t happy!”

Cadet Kevin Dunn: “Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice! And if he’s still in there, he ain’t happy!”

12. “You hold it, or else I’ll break it off, and kick it around on the ground!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

13. Emily Walburn: “I don’t call it babying; I call it nurturing.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “And I call it neutering.”

Emily Walburn: “And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid lunatic asshole!”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “I ain’t frigid.”

14. “Who’s the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who’s responsible? Don’t all run at once. Maybe no one’s responsible. I just had it comin’!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

Famous Major Payne Quotes

15. “Got to earn my right to be called a man.” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

16. “You’re still a shit sandwich. You’re just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

17. “You’ll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

18. “You hit that boy again, I’m gonna do more than salute you.” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

19. Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.”

Cadet Alex J. Stone: “Try it.”

20. “From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

Major Payne Quotes to Think About

21. “I am not your damn brother! Now drop down, and give me 20 squat thrusts now!” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

22. “Fee-fi-fo-fum. What beanstalk you fall from?” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

23. Emily Walburn: “Apparently, he had a little accident.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Apparently, he pissed all over the front of his pants.”

Emily Walburn: “Well, maybe that’s because he’s six.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Because he’s six? Woman, when I was six years old, I had a full-time job.”

24. “I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?” – Major Benson Winifred Payne

25. Cadet Alex J. Stone: “It’s slippery!”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “Slippery, he says. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he knows is to slip your throat. What if this were a life-or-death situation?”

Cadet Alex J. Stone: “But it’s not a life or death situation.”

Major Benson Winifred Payne: “It is now.”

How Would You React if Someone Like Major Payne Led You?

Though the movie is meant to be a comedy, we can’t help but notice some meaningful lessons that we can all learn from. These morals are even more relatable because they’re embedded beneath all the humor.

Major Payne’s objective is to change the cadets’ mindset regarding life, the military, and the games. As their instructor, he aims to impart discipline and a sense of responsibility to them. So, seeing their personality, Payne takes a stern approach to everything.

Some might think his punishments are too harsh. However, sometimes, tough love is what we need to improve ourselves. Sympathy and compassion are great, but they don’t always work; as an instructor, one has to recognize when to push his students’ mental toughness.

It’s the same in life. We all face different circumstances, but not everyone will adjust to you just because you feel you have it worse than them. So, you must do your part to strengthen your resolve, reinforce your mindset, and try your best to succeed despite everything that’s holding you back.

Major Payne is a funny movie through and through, and it even has some iconic lines people keep quoting. However, we hope that through this list, you were able to gain a more meaningful understanding of the lessons embedded in it!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.