30 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes for Great One-Liners & Dark Jokes

Here are the best Anthony Jeselnik quotes that’ll no doubt turn your mind upside down!

Comedy might be the most challenging genre to master. It’s so subjective that you’ll never be able to say that you can successfully make each and every person laugh.

However, though you can’t capture everyone’s hearts, there will always be a niche market that you appeal to. For Anthony Jeselnik, it’s all about dark humor and poking fun at serious societal issues and events.

Some might find it offensive. But, if you’re a true fan, you’ll find that it’s his unique touch on comedy—a way for his audience to think constantly and a way for him to always top his last act.

If this made you curious about Anthony Jeselnik, or if you’re already a fan who wants to revisit his one-liners and dark jokes, this list is perfect! Scroll through to the end and find the best Anthony Jeselnik quotes!

And don’t forget to check out these Bo Burnham quotes and Bill Burr quotes.

Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

1. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person—so I can get a better girlfriend.”

2. “I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

3. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.”

4. “I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.”

5. “Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?”

6. “Yesterday, I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious—nobody saw me.”

7. “My great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes and One-Lines Packed With Humor

8. “My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.”

9. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.”

10. “I know her in the biblical sense—and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.”

11. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase—the glasses, the hair in the face—and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

12. “I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know—I’m so bad with names.”

13. “I would never hit a woman—even if she had a knife or a stutter.”

Dark Anthony Jeselnik Quotes and Jokes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

14. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub, and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”

15. “It’s impossible for me to hear the words ‘quadruple murder-suicide’ without thinking of my grandparents.”

16. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.”

17. “About a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody has talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?’”

18. “People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes to Better Understand His Personality

19. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say, ‘Not today, you bastards.’”

20. “Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit.”

21. “Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and, ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.”

22. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian, you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.”

23. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere, ‘Hah.’”

24. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’”

25. “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.”

More Anthony Jeselnik Quotes to Keep You Entertained

26. “I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.”

27. “There is nothing that’s off-limits. If people think something is off-limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job.”

28. “I’m not just offensive. I’m very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn’t be trying these things. That’s ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.”

29. “I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.”

30. “People who get offended by jokes are f*cking stupid.”

What’s the Darkest Quote or One-Liner You’ve Read From the List Above?

Being a comedian could be one of the trickiest jobs in the world. Just imagine standing in front of an audience—all strangers—and trying to make them laugh.

To top it off, there are also lots of comedians trying to make their way up the ladder. How would you make yourself stand out from the rest of them?

This is where Anthony Jeselnik found his niche; he focused on dark humor that some people found offensive or hard to understand. By doing so, he earned a cult following and became the famous comedian we admire today.

However, we must all note that this didn’t happen overnight. Like many people out there striving for success, he constantly works hard and never gives up.

After all, as a comedian, one must have a limitless array of jokes up his sleeve. If not, your act will go stale as it’s repetitive and redundant.

With that, we hope this list of Anthony Jeselnik quotes was able to give you a deeper understanding of his character and career. Remember that success and fame will only come if we work hard enough for them!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.