240 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes to Brighten Up Your Day

These Anthony Jeselnik quotes that we’ve collected will surely cure your sadness and boredom!

Anthony Jeselnik is very famous in the comic field, and is known as the prince of stand-up with savage and vulgar thoughts.

And as one one of the best comedians to look out for under Variety’s 10 Comics to Watch, you’ll definitely love and enjoy his shows!

If you want to have some laughs and reason for some gags, then check out the collection below! Learn more about Anthony Jeselnik’s comedy lines anytime and anywhere.

Check out the full list here.

And make sure to read these Bo Burnham quotes and Bill Burr quotes.

Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Five Quotes That Could Change Every...
Five Quotes That Could Change Everything

1. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate.”

2. “I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

3. “I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or a stutter.”

4. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and says, ‘Not today, you bastards.’”

5. “There is nothing that’s off-limits. If people think something is off-limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it, that’s my job.”

6. “I know her in the biblical sense and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.”

7. “I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell ‘fire.’”

8. “My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

9. “My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple of years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch ‘Schindler’s List.’ And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once.”

10. “I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.”

11. “I want to get a tattoo of the word ‘irony’, only misspelled.”

12. “Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any sh*t. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.”

13. “People who get offended by jokes are f*ck*ng stupid.”

14. “I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes on Lessons He Learned From His Relationships

15. “My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”

16. “My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. ‘Get me away from those Hershey’s bars. I’m addicted to them.’ It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, ‘Do you see that, honey? Why can’t you be that skinny?’”

17. “My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I’m dating you?”

18. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it, beginning and end of the list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

19. “I think about my girlfriend’s abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.”

20. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person, so I can get a better girlfriend.”

21. “My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We’re not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.”

22. “A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.’”

23. “My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head.”

24. “The other night, my girlfriend and I were in bed together. She says, ‘Anthony, I want you to pee on me.’ Now I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently, it’s my thing. I just jumped up right away. But as soon as that begins she starts screaming at me like it’s my fault she talks in her sleep.”

25. “My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet, oh my god, that f*ck*ng thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.”

26. “She got really mad a month ago because she had emailed me a naked picture of herself—which is a nice thing to do—but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don’t even care, ’cause now I have to call up my mother and say, ‘Mom, I am so sorry, that picture was just for dad.’”

27. “My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.”

28. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend.”

29. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.”

Also read: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Famous Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

30. “I do dark humor’. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.”

31. “I was in Boston a couple of years ago, and a very drunk girl ran up to me. And she screams out, ‘You should never make fun of the Holocaust!’ and I said, ‘Why?’ You know, just to be a dick. And she says, ‘Because I lost family in the Holocaust.’ and I said, ‘You don’t look Jewish’. And she said, ‘Listen, *ssh*l*, There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push’. And I said, ‘Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment.’”

32. “Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.”

33. “I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.”

34. “Hitler really wasn’t so bad. In a black way.”

35. “People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit. It’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re so, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.”

36. “I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.”

37. “Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.”

38. “I don’t get back as much as I’d like to, so I don’t have a lot of close ties with ‘Pittsburgh’, but I’ll bleed black and gold until I die.”

39. “I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.”

40. “I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.”

41. “I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t, because I’m so f*ck*ng funny.”

42. “The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.”

43. “Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.”

44. “I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.”

Funny Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

45. “Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”

46. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”

47. “I’m getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten her period. And she’s already 14.”

48. “I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke, he couldn’t upset people, really.”

49. “About a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?’”

50. “Yesterday, I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious—nobody saw me.”

51. “My girlfriend is pregnant. But we’ve already decided to give it up for abduction.”

52. “Doctor just told me I can’t have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, ‘Why? No one’s gonna let you take kids from this hospital.’”

53. “I loved Steven Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.”

54. “Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.”

55. “My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.”

56. “I hate when I’m masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I’m about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.”

57. “I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.”

58. “Larry King’s been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You’ve got 99 problems and b*tch*s are all of them!”

59. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase—the glasses, the hair in the face—and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Great Comedy Shows

60. “I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, ‘Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.’ It drives me crazy.”

61. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian, you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.”

62. “I want people to just be paying attention even if they’re not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don’t mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that’s just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.”

63. “I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.”

64. “It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, ‘I need you guys.’ I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killed, that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.”

65.“In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, ‘Just kidding.’ I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.”

66. “In a late night monologue, it’s not just about being funny, you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.”

67. “On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.”

68. “If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can’t remember the next joke.”

69. “I have that need in me—I want everyone to love me, but I’m embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn’t want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.”

70. “One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves or making a joke about some horrible tragedy. I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.”

71. “I don’t think people shouldn’t try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you into consideration.”

72. “I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.”

73. “I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.”

74. “Silence means the audience is paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they’re dead quiet, it’s still okay. If they start talking, that’s when you’ve lost them.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Women

75. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence, because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.”

76. “I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking and she got bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison, so she’s dead.”

77. “Like I’ll never forget the last time we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be? And I said, ‘I don’t know, Caligula’ and she was really Caligula. ‘That’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me, your girlfriend, are you sure?’ said, ‘I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.'”

78. “Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.”

79. “I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy-ass neighbor though.”

80. “My ex-girlfriend has a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to f*ck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.”

81. “Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.”

82. “Women are like potato chips. They better come with my f*ck*ng sandwich.”

83. “So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.”

84. “Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!”

85. “I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back ‘I know.’”

86. “I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.”

87. “The other day my girlfriend complained to me that chivalry is dead. ‘Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.’ And I told her ‘No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.’”

88. “My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep.”

89. “My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake t*ts. I said, ‘No, baby. You need fake t*ts.’”

Anthony Jesenik Quotes About Family

90. “My sister just had a baby—a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

91. “My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed—if she’s ever going to be good at golf.”

92. “My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.”

93. “We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting—they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

94. “I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is, it skips a generation, so if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

95. “My little sister tried to run away from home once. But just a few hours later, somebody found the body.”

96. “I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself.”

97. “I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper-middle-class, and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.”

98. “I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He’s still really mad at me.”

99. “Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.”

100. “My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too, a little hook next to the door, a little bowl next to his bed, a keychain that makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in, and we put him in a home.”

101. “When I was born, I was my parent’s favorite. But then they seemed to forget all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.”

102. “My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.”

103. “My nephew killed himself masturbating, but officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.”

104. “It’s impossible for me to hear the words ‘quadruple murder suicide’ without thinking of my grandparents.”

Inspirational Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

105. “I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.”

106. “I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.”

107. “Stereotypes wouldn’t be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.”

108. “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.”

109. “You can’t expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes, you’ll miss it, but I think comedians are artists and there’s value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn’t work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they’ll fail and it’s not the audience’s fault for not getting it or loving it.”

110. “I just took a dump that reminded me of my childhood. Because it was as big as a child.”

111. “I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.”

112. “If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn’t deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?”

113. “An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.”

114. “I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I’d prefer it to be aborted.”

115. “I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hitman with a weird sense of humor.”

116. “If you drink, don’t drive. Or if you do, at least try to crash into some *ssh*l* in a Corvette or something.”

117. “Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.”

118. “You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.”

119. “Everyone has the same kind of fears. Everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them because of this great release.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

120. “Look at this dais, you’ve got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a p*rn*gr*ph*r and then eight white people.”

121. “I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they’ll never meet their grandmother.”

122. “I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.”

123. “I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.”

124. “I’m writing a book. It’s called ‘The Soft Spot and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.’”

125. “Just got back from the dentist. He said I have no cavities! And mouth cancer.”

126. “What kind of superhero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.”

127. “I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about—like death.”

128. “So glad I’m not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.”

129. “That’s the worst way you can hear about comedy material, from a third person’s blog story that they wrote when they were upset.”

130. “People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them.”

131. “I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.”

132. “When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.”

133. “On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their ‘faces.’”

134. “I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren’t hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they’re excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes on Reality

135. “If you’re getting raped by a fireman, do not yell ‘fire.’ And definitely don’t bring up 9/11.”

136. “The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.”

137. “Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.”

138. “My neighbor’s pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby’s dead.”

139. “North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full-scale nuclear bomb that we will drop on North Korea.”

140. “Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.”

141. “Valentine’s Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.”

142. “People in Iceland must be into some pretty freaky sh*t if they can’t find a single virgin to throw into that volcano.”

143. “Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.”

144. “I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet.”

145. “Last year, I gave my girlfriend eyeglasses for her birthday. This year, I got her Lasik surgery because she didn’t need the glasses.”

146. “I enjoyed writing for someone else’s voice, but I wasn’t very good at it.”

147. “George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, ‘I’d kill to be a lawyer.’”

148. “My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.”

149. “Nobody ever went broke telling the American public to f*ck themselves.”

Vulgar Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

150.“My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we’re having sex. But I say, what’s wrong with it while we’re having dinner?”

151. “Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.”

152. “Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no t*ts.”

153. “Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy sh*t.”

154. “The first time I had sex, I didn’t know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.”

155. “I have a twelve-year-old sex doll. Brand new.”

156. “I’m an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I’m proud of. Just children having sex.”

157. “A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.”

158. “My friend has been enjoying the craziest sex life since he got a divorce from his sister.”

159. “Most guys don’t realize that when they’re having sex with their girlfriend, they’re also having sex with everyone I’ve had sex with, too.”

160. “I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven AM.”

161. “I don’t know about condoms for everyone in p*rn. But there is a strong case for goggles.”

162. “I’m not a big p*rn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever’s on Cinemax at two o’clock in the afternoon.”

163. “I almost got fired for watching internet p*rn at work. Instead, I got fired for masturbating.”

164. “I’m screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive p*rn* collection. DVDs, magazines, and hard drives. All over at her sister’s place.”

More Anthony Jeselnik Jokes and Quotes

165. “The opposite of sad is down’s syndrome.”

166. “Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Football.”

167. “I describe myself to people as a ‘history buff.’ It just sounds better than ‘Holocaust buff.’”

168. “I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.”

169. “Why don’t they put bears in Tampax commercials?”

170. “Hitler also once tried a juice cleanse.”

171. “I’m mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It’s my computer. And he doesn’t even watch anything.”

172. “You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.”

173. “I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.”

174. “I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.”

175. “Child molesters must all think they’ve got huge dicks.”

176. “When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.”

177. “Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.”

178. “In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.”

179. “When I’m sick I don’t shake hands. I say hello by putting my fingers in your mouth.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes on Racism and His Beliefs

180. “My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black—that way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown.”

181. “Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.”

182. “Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.”

183. “I’m not a religious person, I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.”

184. “St. Patrick’s Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.”

185. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said people say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.”

186. “I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now.”

187. “Who do you think was better, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?”

188. “Larry King is so old, he’s actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.”

189. “Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter’s bracelet that said ‘Be Good’ was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.”

190. “I’m not the voice of reason, I’m more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.”

191. “Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?”

192. “I don’t have much racial stuff in my act. And no one’s ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don’t bother me so much.”

193. “What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.”

194. “Every Sunday, my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say, ‘Sorry. Wrong Number.’”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Life

195. “I’m not just offensive, I’m very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time.”

196. “Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.”

197. “When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I’m older, I’m more of a cat guy.”

198. “A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage. Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.’”

199. “I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play ‘Candle in the Wind’ non-stop.”

200. “I’ve decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.”

201. “It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you.”

202. “I’ve been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I’ll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.”

203. “If I ever get the chance, I’d like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.”

204. “The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.”

205. “You’re so f*ck*ng stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.”

206. “I’m working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It’s good. But it is so f*ck*ng long.”

207. “I honestly can’t remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.”

208. “I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said sh*t.”

209. “I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes on Money

210. “When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”

211. “The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about and people think it’s death or something, is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.”

212. “I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone’s hair because we didn’t have money for entertainment.”

213. “I don’t know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.”

214. “Tom Cruise’s prenup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Relationships

215. “I’m trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don’t know how to surf.”

216. “I like my mom’s cooking a little better than my girlfriend’s. But I don’t tell my girlfriend that. I tell my girlfriend her cooking sucks.”

217. “It’s tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.”

218. “Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn’t cook to save her life.”

219. “My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body, I said, ‘No baby just parts of it.’”

220. “When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.”

221. “I don’t know what possessed me, but yesterday I yelled out the wrong name in the middle of my girlfriend’s funeral.”

222. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I’d probably burn my clothes.”

223. “I’m having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.”

224. “If my girlfriend ever turned into a zombie, I would not hesitate to wear a condom.”

225. “I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.”

226. “My ex-girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.”

227. “Two words no woman should ever have to hear—Triple Mastectomy.”

228. “No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.”

229. “I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can’t even enjoy it.”

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Friends and Companions

230. “I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.”

231. “I think my friends’ wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby, and the baby had a hole in it.”

232. “I had a friend who had gotten so many DUIs that he had to go to jail for a year. Now, his only concern was getting raped. For the entire year, he didn’t take a shower.”

233. “My roommate in LA used to punch his girlfriend in the stomach. I could never believe what a b*tch she was.”

234. “My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breastfed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.”

More Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

235. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.”

236. “I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place.”

237. “I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know, I’m so bad with names.”

238. “I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.”

239. “This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.”

240. “Everyone makes mistakes. That’s why pencils have abortions.”

Which of These Anthony Jeselnik Quotes Amused You Most?

You need to have talent if you want to be a comedian. Just try imagining yourself, trying to make strangers laugh, but you don’t have any idea what is on their minds. This is why you need to practice or rehearse, or you just need to be clever.

Anthony Jeselnik has great humor in many different aspects. His audience loves his jokes for being full of suspense and is sure to make you laugh no matter the occasion.

Jeselnik is one of those stand-up comedians who understand his audience. He makes dark, humorous, and vulgar jokes that make him unique in the world of comedy.

These collections will teach you a lot about his life journey as a comedian. You will be drawn by his dark humor jokes, which ironically, are very funny. This will make you realize that life is great after all. Be amused with these quotes and live a happy life.

Which Anthony Jeselnik quotes are your favorite? Don’t forget to comment on them down below. Share it with your friends!