40 Bill Burr Quotes on Stand-up Comedy, Life, and More

If you love great comedic acts that make you think and reflect, reading Bill Burr quotes will be a great pick-me-up for you!

Bill Burr is famous for being a great stand-up comedian. However, aside from that, he’s also a filmmaker, an actor, and even a podcaster!

He uses all these platforms to share his thoughts and ideas with the world. Comedy is his way of relating to his audience in the most authentic and unguarded way.

In fact, he uses his own observations—and sometimes personal rants​​—and takes something serious about them and tells them in a humorous way. This is how Bill Burr lowers his audience’s guard and makes them laugh and reflect on the world.

We’re sure you’ll learn a thing or two about the world or society whenever you listen to or read his jokes. So, if you’re curious, read on and find the most memorable Bill Burr quotes!

And don’t forget to check out these Bo Burnham quotes and Anthony Jeselnik quotes.

Best Bill Burr Quotes

1. “Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else’s success is not your failure.”

2. “Deny your emotions and act like you have answers.”

3. “Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions.”

4. “You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we’re both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids, and I have to stay—that’s why I get the dollar more an hour.”

5. “I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.”

6. “My favorite kind of humor is basically if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”

7. “I wish they would teach it in schools: give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”

8. “What happens is when you have a kid, you are a unique human being, so you are going to have a unique experience. No one can really tell you what you’re going to feel.”

9. “I’ve found that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned how to combat depression. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it. I just figured out that it’s a choice. You’re in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym or write a new joke. Or, if you’re on the road, go to a ball game—something that’s going to get the blood going. Or you can let those thoughts take you right down the rabbit hole.”

10. “You’re a kid; your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards—just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can’t see your house, and not have a full-on panic attack.”

Famous Bill Burr Quotes

11. “Once you do a joke and it works, it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.”

12. “Seriously, any other town you go to, there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil, and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, ‘Smoke some crack!’ ‘Get a hooker!’ And then I go, ‘Yeah!’ Yeah, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”

13. “If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky, and you ruin the scene.”

14. “To me, this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions, and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.”

15. “Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.” 

16. “You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.”

17. “I think the fear of humiliating yourself on stage always motivates me to give at least 90%. I’ve definitely been guilty of leaning on the mic stand, but you can only do that so long before you’re like, ‘Jesus, I’m bombing.’ The fact that people pay to come to see me, that’s really just out the window.”

18. “I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous. We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let Mother Nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out, and we won’t let her do it.”

19. “Oh, look, an ATM! Okay, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.”

20. “My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.”

Funny Bill Burr Quotes

21. “God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down to church to see Him? Really? And He’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money?”

22. “Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”

23. “Your 20s is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.” 

24. “A plumber doesn’t change the way he plumbs when he has a kid. You’re a comedian. This is your style.”

25. “Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.”

26. “Realize that sleeping on a futon when you’re 30 is not the worst thing. You know what’s worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you’re not really in love with, but for some reason, you married, and you got a couple of kids, and you got a job you hate. You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.”

27. “I gotta be honest with you. I’m kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?”

28. “Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.”

29. “A good story is always you doing something wrong, you know? That’s why nice people are so damn boring. I mean, they’re nice, but their stories suck.”

30. “You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’”

31. “Rednecks are like America’s pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop ’em off in Afghanistan, and just let them run wild. Just be like, ‘Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo—it’ll scare the hell out of them.’”

Bill Burr Quotes to Add to Your Must-Reads

32. “A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”

33. “If everybody’s conversations were recorded, would anyone have a job on Monday?”

34. “Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he’s like, ‘Umm, I’m taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate’s, like, half-Afghani, so it’s going to cause some static.’”

35. “Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won’t open, would you still jump?”

More Bill Burr Quotes for a Glimpse of His Comedy Specials

36. “There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.”

37. “The word ‘ranting’ is kind of overused now. Literally, if you just talk about a subject for 30 seconds or more, even if you never raised your voice, if I just talk about it, it’s called a rant.”

38. “You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”

39. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.”

40. “I think I just say what I’m thinking. And, you know, if people relate to it, they relate to it, but—I really—you know, if you really listen to me, I don’t have my finger on any pulse.”

Are You a Fan of Bill Burr’s Humor and Comedic Style?

Bill Burr is known to be a loudmouth. However, he does this consciously, as he thinks it’s the best way to share his thoughts with his listeners.

In one of his quotes, he says he’s not yelling; he’s simply passionate about his opinions and wants everyone to hear him out. No matter how many times he was booed at the beginning, he rose above all the criticism and became one of the most successful comedians we’ve come to know today.

Burr also extended his reach by venturing into filmmaking, acting, and podcasting! This move pushed him further to the forefront, and many more understood the man behind all the jokes.

Through Bill Burr and his jokes, we learn how to stay positive, even with all the negativity surrounding us. He taught us to see criticism as a challenge and not a roadblock!

As a comedian, helping people realize the need to stay positive is the most important thing. After all, a light and happy heart would help us all traverse through life’s never-ending challenges.

So, like Bill Burr, don’t turn away from the uncomfortable; face it head-on! By doing so, you gain confidence and allow yourself to move past the obstacles in front of you!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.