25 Judy Gemstone Quotes for Funny One-Liners and More

If you want to get to know one of the funniest characters in The Righteous Gemstones, you better check out this list of the best Judy Gemstone quotes.

The Righteous Gemstones is an American television series that zooms in on a family of televangelists. You couldn’t be more wrong if you think it would be a boring show about someone’s preaching.

Instead, it satirizes the very core of televangelists, making the show one of the funniest and most relevant releases of 2019. One of the show’s main characters is Judy Gemstone, the middle child of the Gemstone family.

Her job as a secretary for her father and their church, Gemstone Ministries, makes her seem ordinary and mundane. However, Judy is quite the opposite; her emotional immaturity leads her to numerous outbursts and a constant battle to do better than her brothers.

Judy Gemstone has a severe middle-child complex, allowing for some pretty hilarious scenes and lines you’ll never forget! Read on to find out more about her.

Best Judy Gemstone Quotes

1. “I like it when Jesse gets in trouble. It makes my bird twitch.”

2. “‘Cause you know what they say: you can’t gobble the pie if you didn’t help bake it.”

3. “Guess I’ll just get someone from the crowd to finger me.”

4. “We don’t have standards. I mean, we do. We have a lot of them. And they’re real high.”

5. “Yeah, well, it is a sculpture. And I got a good price on it because the dick is weird.”

6. “I have regular woman panties where the string goes up my crack. I have t*ts. I do sex. I’m carvin’ my own path.”

7. “You’re one of those benevolent lesbians out to meet a hot guy and make friends with him so you can sample-suck some clean dick.”

8. “I just felt a gush. So I need to go buy some tamps and go lay down.”

9. “What am I supposed to do? Just stand in the corner and jack myself like a f*ckin’ monster?”

10. Judy Gemstone: “You know what I want? I want to get married and get the hell out of Dodge. I’m gonna move to Malibu Beach, shave my p*ssy, and learn to surf.”

Jesse Gemstone: “Shave your p*ssy? Why do you want to shave your p*ssy?”

Judy Gemstone: “So I can surf faster, Jesse!”

Judy Gemstone Quotes and One-Liners to Read Day in and Day Out

11. “I’ll sit down with her—bad girl to bad girl.”

12. “God bless you, air vent.”

13. “Let’s see that snowy white dick.”

14. “Let’s f*cking kill people.”

15. “Put it in his bottom!”

Iconic Judy Gemstone Quotes That Live in Our Heads Rent-Free

16. “All y’all trying to suppress me, telling me I can’t shave stuff!”

17. “Hey, Dummy, what can you play?”

18. “I hope it’s a boy so I can teach him how to pee standing up.”

19. “How was China for you boys? I wouldn’t know, ‘cause I was stuck here, being a secretary.”

20. “Look, I know you may be a backwoods simpleton, who scrubs her dresses on tree bark and stinks up the entire house with roadkill stew, but God damn if I wouldn’t miss the pitter patter of your filthy-*ss bare feet, or the way you chew shrimp tails with the ice like an animal—you’re family. And the thought of you running away on this bus right now is making my gooch pucker.”

Judy Gemstone Quotes for Fans of The Righteous Gemstones

21. “I can’t right now; I’m busy putting on creams.”

22. “Ni hao, Daddy. That means ‘hello’ in Chinese. I studied so much even though I wasn’t allowed to go with y’all.”

23. “Shavin’ your nuts for some other bitch?”

24. “Don’t you shake his hand B.J. He’s big dickin’ ya!”

25. “They took away Laird. They just took him away in the police car. And me and Dr. Carmichael weren’t boyfriends and girlfriends after that.”

In Your Opinion, What Has Judy Gemstone Contributed to the Series?

The Gemstone family shows everything a religious group shouldn’t be. They live opulent lifestyles fueled by their church’s tithing, they are in constant competition with one another, and they manifest greed in almost everything they do.

Judy Gemstone, the middle child of the family, was already in her mid-30s when the show’s first season started. Even so, if you look at her personality and actions, she seems stuck in her teenage angst period, which stemmed from their mother’s passing.

Because of how she grew up, Judy became an immature and selfish woman who always wanted the spotlight on her. People even say she won’t ever compromise when she wants something. 

Instead of being a prime example to the people in their church, Judy Gemstone’s actions show us what not to do. In fact, almost everything about The Righteous Gemstones is reverse psychology because of its satirical nature.

So, you must keep an open mind whenever you watch the series or read Judy Gemstone quotes like the ones above. Don’t take everything for what it is; think, reflect, and find the morals embedded in each episode!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.