25 Dale Gribble Quotes for Avid Fans of King of the Hill

If you love all his conspiracy theories and iconic one-liners, you’ll for sure enjoy this collection of Dale Gribble quotes, too!

Dale Gribble is one of King of the Hill’s main characters, and some even love him more than Hank Hill and other members of the Hill family. This is unsurprising, as he has a quirky personality that could hook anyone in!

Besides being Hank’s neighbor, Dale is known for many things. He’s described to be a chain smoker, a bounty hunter, an exterminator, a gun fanatic, and most of all, a lover of conspiracy theories.

In fact, throughout the series, Dale had come up with more than a handful of conspiracy theories that’ll no doubt make you think. His ideas branch far and wide and cover topics like global warming, computers and technology, and even peanuts!

If you’re a fan of Dale Gribble or just love King of the Hill as a whole, you’ll be in for a treat when you check out the list below. We’ve got his best lines from the series we’re sure you’ll love!

And make sure to check out these Hank Hill quotes and King of the Hill quotes.

Best Dale Gribble Quotes

1. “I sure hope they have cigarettes in Hell.” 

2. “You don’t know who I am, but I know where you live, and you better cut it out if you know what’s good for you.”

3. “I’m all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?”

4. “They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear, but they’re too late!”

5. “Bill, I didn’t know you grew up in Cajun Country—and I don’t care.”

Dale Gribble Quotes on His Conspiracy Theories

6. “Open up your eyes, man. They’re trying to control global warming. Get it? Glo-bal. That’s code for UN commissars telling Americans what the temperature’s going to be in their outdoors. I say let the world warm up; see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We’ll grow oranges in Alaska.”

7. “The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They’re tired of being eaten, and now they’re fighting back.”

8. “They’ll probably get you with a blow dart; that’s their way. But you’ll just think it’s a mosquito bite until you die, then you’ll know the truth.”

9. “Computers don’t make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as ‘The Beast.’”

10. “Boo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?”

Dale Gribble Quotes From King of the Hill

11. “If you want, I’ll show you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite.”

12. “Boil up some Mountain Dew; it’s gonna be a long night.”

13. “No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill—and rightfully so; these people are nuts!”

14. “Guns don’t kill people; the government does.”

15. “I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that’d be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy’s health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I’m paying for it.”

Dale Gribble Quotes and One-Liners That Are Out of This World

16. “Pocket sand, sh-sh-sha!”

17. “Are you attempting to know me?”

18. “That makes a whole lot of sense—a whole lot of nonsense!”

19. “You are familiar with my credentials.”

20. “I don’t know what to do with my hands—that’s why I smoke.”

Funny Dale Gribble Quotes

21. “Are you an alien? Because you’ve just abducted my heart.”

22. “A man breaks into your house, but you don’t own a gun. How are you going to shoot him?”

23. “The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best, and the antidepressants are making my mouth dry and happy.”

24. “Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn’s gay, and I’ve been friends with him for years!”

25. “A hammock is like a steady drip of morphine, without the danger of renal failure.”

Do You Believe in Dale Gribble’s Conspiracy Theories?

Dale Gribble is a radical, and he has many mind-boggling thoughts we just can’t help but reflect on. His words are so unforgettable that even now, more than a decade after the last episode of King of the Hill aired, we still quote and reference some of his greatest lines.

For example, Dale Gribble iconically says, “Guns don’t kill people; the government does.” Even now, this statement still holds true.

You’d have to think a bit deeper about this quote of his. However, if you try to understand it, you’ll see just how much truth there is to this statement.

On the outside, it seems that guns are the weapons that end people’s lives. Yet, looking deeper into things, what do you think leads someone to pull the trigger?

Society and the government’s hold on people make them violent and desperate. Evil is not inherent in humanity, but many outside factors help it take root in our psyche.

Dale Gribble’s other conspiracy theories are worth reflecting on because, who knows, maybe they hold more truth than they seem. With that, we hope this collection of his best quotes was able to help you gain a different perspective on his thoughts and personality!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.