40 Joe Swanson Quotes to Lighten Up Your Day

Find inspiration to enjoy the smallest things and live your life fully by reading these Joe Swanson quotes.

Joe Swanson is a paraplegic police officer and friend of Peter Griffin and Glenn Quagmire. He is a macho and flawed person, but a strong-willed and kind man. Getting to know his character in Family Guy, we can see how his character is perfect for dark comedy. 

Looking at the surface, he may seem like a shallow person. But, as we dive deeper into his character, we see how he is a genuine and uncompromising person we can all respect. One of the ways we witnessed his inspiring acts is how he never gave up despite his injuries while arresting a criminal.

There is a lot to learn from observing Joe Swanson and his thoughts in life. So, keep reading below to know more about him and find inspiration in his attitude and experiences.

Let’s get started.

And don’t miss out these Peter Griffin quotes and Family Guy quotes.

Best Joe Swanson Quotes

1. “One day, a rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.”

2. “Love is a powerful compass.”

3. “You don’t have to win to have fun.”

4. “I’ll take smelling good over walking good any day.”

5. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly.”

6. “I just suggested a line of handicapable toys. You know, to show the kids the fun of being physically challenged.” 

7. “Sex is overrated.”

8. “All right, we’re going to do it once more! And this time, no mistakes!”

Hilarious Joe Swanson Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

9. “It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.”

10. “Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm. And then another. And then everything got a little hazy. He had to live with a foster family for a while.”

11. “Public opinion has shifted, and the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.”

12. Joe Swanson: “Well, you can’t fight City Hall.”

Peter Griffin: “Well, we’ll see about that. City Hall knows karate.”

13. “Be careful around the really fat one. He’s kind of like my boss.”

14. “Oh wow. Wow, if I were a woman, I would press my bare boobs up against the glass in public, just for the sexual thrill! The sexual thrill!”

15. “We shouldn’t let this ruin our night. Let’s just enjoy the strippers.”

16. Search Party Leader: “We’re still very optimistic we’re going to find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.”

Joe Swanson: “Alright, everyone. We are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let’s get back out there and bring back those dead bodies.”

17. “Is it a douche? Is Lady Gaga a douche? Well, whatever it is, I don’t like it.”

18. “A lot of the guys on the force have had vasectomies, and their lives haven’t changed much.”

19. “I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.”

Also read: Stewie Griffin Quotes

Joe Swanson Quotes to Get a Glimpse of His Marriage

20. “We haven’t made love ever!”

21. “Well, it sounds like you’ve gotta find a way to win her back.”

22. Bonnie Swanson: “My God, we haven’t done it in so long. I’d forgotten how big you were.”

Joe Swanson: “I was gonna say the same thing to you.”

23. Peter Griffin: “Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?”

Joe Swanson: “Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year. Why?”

24. Glenn Quagmire: “What are you doing?”

Joe Swanson: “I’m watching Bonnie undress.”

Cleveland Brown: “Bonnie’s your wife.”

Joe Swanson: “I like to watch her strip and pretend she’s a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!”

Interesting Joe Swanson Quotes for Family Guy Fans

25. “You get in there, and you kick that fish’s ass!”

26. “You know, I just wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you guys. I was acting like a first-class jackass. I hope that you can forgive me.”

27. “Doc, I can’t take it anymore. I wanna walk again. I’ll do whatever it takes!”

Joe Swanson Quotes That Will Remind You of His Humor

28. “Here you go, guys, first time in a while I’ve had wood in my lap.”

29. “Pretend I’m your child, Lois. Not Meg! Not Meg!”

30. “I brought construction paper and markers in case you guys wanted to draw breasts.”

31. “You heard him, fella, take ’em off. Right down to the poop sack. What? You don’t all wear a poop sack? Damn it, Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!”

32. “Hey, can you tell me what Lady Gaga is? Is that a band or a soda, or a store, or one of those terms like donkey punch?”

Joe Swanson Quotes to Better Understand His Job

33. “Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don’t have any leads.”

34. Peter Griffin: “Say, what happened to the car wash thief?”

Joe Swanson: “Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.”

Peter Griffin: “Looks like you got more competition at next year’s special people’s games, huh?”

Joe Swanson: “Nope, he’s dead.”

35. “We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.”

More Joe Swanson Quotes to Read When You Need Some Cheering Up

36. “You know, Peter, my buddies and I have been lookin’ for a new hangout. Our usual donut shop has gotten a little ‘Puerto-Ricanny,’ what if we made your place our new spot?”

37. “I gotta get that guy out of my head.”

38. “I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first.”

39. “To the clam! And to mind-damaging STDs!”

40. “Peter, face it. Without Quagmire, we’re boring.”

Did These Joe Swanson Quotes Inspire You to Live Fully?

We will encounter hardships that will test our strength and determination in life. Although it will make us feel sad and weak, it is essential to stay tough and live our lives. 

Joe Swanson is a character that reminds us to be strong and still find happiness despite the bad things that happen to us. This is highlighted when he did not let his injury and disability affect his love for basketball and his job as a police officer. 

Most of us may think that losing parts of ourselves will hinder joy from coming into our lives. However, this is not true at all. Happiness and living your best self come from how you think and what you do with your time.

So, we hope that these Joe Swanson quotes were able to inspire you to live your life to the fullest and never give up. Like him, we can all learn and grow no matter how many obstacles we face in life. 

Which is your favorite Joe Swanson quote? Is Joe Swanson your most treasured Family Guy character? Comment down below!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.