40 Stewie Griffin Quotes That Are Brutally Funny & Smart

These Stewie Griffin quotes will prove why he is the most complex and exciting character in Family Guy.

Stewie Griffin is the toddler of the Griffin family who talks and acts like an adult. He has immense wisdom about life and reality, which shaped him into a character full of cynicism and dark jokes that never fail to make anybody laugh. But, Stewie’s temperament is not just for fun; he is a complex character who continuously grows throughout the seasons to teach you a lot about life.

His personality and thoughts are some of the key points that make the show a gem, especially for adults. After all, it is not every day that we can witness the dark and funny genius of a one-year-old kid. 

Check out our complete collection below that will fill you up with laughter.

And make sure to read these Family Guy quotes and Peter Griffin quotes.

Best Stewie Griffin Quotes

1. “The only reason we die is because we accept death as an inevitability.”

2. “You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!”

3. “When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.”

4. “Damn you, vile woman, you’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.”

5. “Mother, I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint, it’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.”

6. “There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much that I want to kill her. It’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.”

Famous Quotes by Stewie Griffin

7. “To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There’s probably a guy behind there who sells drugs.”

8. “Oh yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I’m thinking? I’m thinking shut up and get a salad!”

9. “Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!”

10. “You, fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.”

11. “Brian, I think we can get John Mayer to stop tweeting again, but we all got to work together.”

12. “For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!” 

13. “By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? They’re not boobs! They’re lies!”

14. “Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.”

15. “I’m gonna buy a cake when you’re dead.”

16. “God! Do you people speak every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Done ma pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!”

17. “I’m gonna take a year off, hit the road, and live life to the fullest!”

Also read: Joe Swanson Quotes

Short Stewie Griffin Quotes That Show His Amusing Character

18. “How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?”

19. “Do these Huggies make my ass look big?”

20. “I love God. He’s so deliciously evil.”

21. “What’s that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I’m absolutely coo-coo for crack!”

Funny Stewie Griffin Quotes

22. “Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.”

23. “You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there, omnipotence, gotta get me some of that.”

24. “Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you?”

25. “My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I’ll say, you won’t find that in Winnie-the-Pooh.”

26. “Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at, you, you infantile stupid? That’s right, damn you and such. You can burn in hell.”

27. “If anybody’s gonna take that bitch down, it’s gonna be me.”

28. “I like what comes out of Lois’ breasts better, but I like this too.”

29. “Hey, you know this old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children, she didn’t know what to do? I got something she could do. Get your tubes tied, you kook!”

30. “Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity because they think he’s mentally challenged.”

31. “Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?”

32. “What are you looking at? You gonna propose?”

33. “Well, technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois!”

Hilarious Stewie Griffin Quotes That Are Extremely Relatable

34. “I can’t deal with anything until after I’ve had my after-nap coffee.” 

35. “I’d like to stay and chat, but you’re a total bitch.”

36. “What’s this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G—, oh, that’s better than sex!”

More Stewie Griffin Quotes for Everyone Who Needs a Laugh

37. “Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she’s a photographer. Ooh, you took a black and white picture of a lawn chair and its shadow. You must be so brooding and deep.”

38. “Damn you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie!”

39. “You’ve been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now.” 

40. “Oh, I know it hurts now, Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you’ve been writing. You know, the novel you’ve been working on. You know, the one, uh, you have been working on for three years. You know, the novel.”

Which of These Stewie Griffin Quotes Made You Laugh Out Loud?

Stewie Griffin’s existence in the show is already comedy at its finest. His genius in the body of a one-year-old kid already set the tone for what Family Guy is all about.

But, aside from all the laughs that his character provides, all fans of the sitcom must know how much he developed in the show. At first, he is a dark and cynical kid that has grown bored of the ordinary things around him. As the seasons go on, we watch him grow into someone who can appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them.

Stewie serves as a reminder that no matter how smart you are, you will never run out of things to learn and experience in life. So, we hope that these quotes were able to teach you a lot about growth and making the most out of things. Life is full of love and excitement, so make sure to enjoy it as Stewie does.

Is Stewie Griffin your favorite character? What are some of the scenes that you liked in the series? Comment your answers below!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.