These top 25 My Cousin Vinny quotes will give you your much-needed dose of court humor!
In My Cousin Vinny, two college students, Bill Gambini and Stan Rothenstein, get accused of murder. To absolve their crime, they run to Bill’s cousin for help. Unfortunately, Vinny, an overly confident and loud-mouthed lawyer, had no actual experience in trials.
We all know how serious it is to be in the presence of a judge and try to win over a case. The lawyers we see in courtrooms are all experienced and probably the best of the best representatives from their law firms. So, just imagine how funny it is to witness Vinny in a trial.
He didn’t know the word for “youths,” and wasn’t aware of proper court etiquette. Vinny didn’t even know when to plead guilty or not guilty!
So, if you want a classic comedy movie that’ll have you smiling the whole day, read this list we’ve created. We’ve rounded up our favorite My Cousin Vinny quotes.
Let’s start here.
And make sure to read these Grease quotes and Fight Club quotes.
Best My Cousin Vinny Quotes
1. Vinny Gambini: “Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.”
Jim Trotter III: “Objection, Your Honor, counsel’s entire opening statement is argumentative.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Objection sustained. Counsel’s entire opening statement, with the exception of ‘Thank you,’ will be stricken from the record.”
2. Vinny Gambini: “What about these pants I got on? You think they’re okay? Ho!”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water—bam! A f*cking bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now, I ask ya, would you give a f*ck what kind of pants the son-of-a-b*tch who shot you was wearing?”
3. Vinny Gambini: “Oh, you like grits? I like grits too. How do you like your grits? Regular, creamy, or al dente?”
Sam Tipton: “Uh, regular, I guess.”
4. Vinny Gambini: “What’s the matter with you?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “I don’t know.”
Vinny Gambini: “You’re acting like you’re nervous or something.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Well, yeah, I am.”
Vinny Gambini: “What are you nervous about? I’m the one that’s under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “You wanna know what I’m nervous about? I’ll tell you what I’m nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that you’re screwing up, and I can’t help.”
Vinny Gambini: “You left me a little camera, didn’t you?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Oh, Vinny! I’m watching you go down in flames, and you’re bringing me with you, and I can’t do anything about it!”
5. Vinny Gambini: “Is it possible that the two youts—.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Uh, the two what? Uh, what was that word?”
Vinny Gambini: “Uh, what word?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Two what?”
Vinny Gambini: “What?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Did you say, ‘Yutes?’
Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, two youts.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “What is a yute?”
Vinny Gambini: “Oh, excuse me, Your Honor, two youths.”
6. Mona Lisa Vito: “What?”
Vinny Gambini: “Nothing; you stick out like a sore thumb around here.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Me? What about you?”
Vinny Gambini: “I fit in better than you. At least I’m wearing cowboy boots.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Oh, yeah, you blend.”
7. Vinny Gambini: “My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?”
Vinny Gambini: “No. I’m just trying to explain.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I don’t want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?”
Vinny Gambini: “Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients—.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Uh, Mr. Gambini? All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.”
Vinny Gambini: “But, Your Honor, my clients didn’t do anything.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I’m not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn’t do it. The next words out of your mouth better be ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty.’ I don’t want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty,’ you’ll be in contempt. I don’t even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?”
Vinny Gambini: “I think I get the point.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “No, I don’t think you do. You’re now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?”
Vinny Gambini: “Not guilty.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Thank you.”
8. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I don’t like your attitude.”
Vinny Gambini: “So what else is new?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “I’m holding you in contempt of court.”
Vinny Gambini: “Now there’s a f*cking surprise.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “What did you say? What did you just say?”
Vinny Gambini: “Huh? What did I say?”
9. Vinny Gambini: “My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Mona Lisa Vito: “Well, I guess that plan’s moot.”
Vinny Gambini: “Yeah.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else’s help. Right? You win case after case—and then afterward, you have to go up to somebody, and you have to say, ‘Thank you!’ Oh my God, what a f*ckin’ nightmare!”
10. Vinny Gambini: “Hey, I don’t blame you. If I was in your situation, I’d want to get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, you know, let’s try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. What’s the matter? Hey, relax, relax. You know, maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together. You know, to get acquainted before we uh, you know, before we get to it. What’s wrong with you?”
Stan Rothenstein: “I don’t wanna do this.”
Vinny Gambini: “I understand, but you know, what are your alternatives?”
Stan Rothenstein: “My alternatives? To what, to you? I don’t know, suicide, death—.”
Vinny Gambini: “Look, it’s either me or them. You’re getting f*cked one way or the other. Hey, lighten up. Don’t worry, I’m gonna help you.”
Stan Rothenstein: “Gee, thanks.”
Vinny Gambini: “Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.”
Stan Rothenstein: “You think I should be grateful?”
Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, it’s your *ss, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your f*cking knees.”
Stan Rothenstein: “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.”
Vinny Gambini: “Hey, I’m doing a favor here, you know. You’re getting me for nothing, you little f*ck.”
Stan Rothenstein “Boy, that’s one hell of an ego you got.”
My Cousin Vinny Quotes That’ll Fit Right Into Your Sense of Humor
11. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Mr. Gambini, didn’t I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?”
Vinny Gambini: “You were serious about that?”
12. Judge Chamberlain Haller: “You’re a dead man.”
Vinny Gambini: “I’m a dead man?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “That’s right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo. Do you want to know what he replied?”
Vinny Gambini: “Did you just say Gallo?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Yes, I did.”
Vinny Gambini: “Gallo with a G?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “That’s right.”
Vinny Gambini: “Jerry Gallo’s dead!”
13. Mona Lisa Vito: “Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you’ve got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, 10 years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister, is getting married. My biological clock is ticking like this, and the way this case is going, I ain’t never getting married!”
Vinny Gambini: “Lisa, I don’t need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I’ve got a judge that’s just aching to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for 200 dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain’t slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.”
14. Vinny Gambini: “Ms. Vito, you’re supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles; is that correct? Is that correct?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Would you please answer the counselor’s question?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “No, I hate him.”
Vinny Gambini: “Your Honor, may I ask your permission to treat Ms. Veto as a hostile witness?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “You think I’m hostile now? Wait till you see me tonight.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Do you two know each other?”
Vinny Gambini: “Yeah, she’s my fiancée.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.”
15. Mona Lisa Vito: “The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can’t make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the ’64 Buick Skylark!”
Vinny Gambini: “And why not? What is positraction?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “It’s a limited-slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The ’64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who’s been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, and the other tire does nothing.”
Vinny Gambini: “Is that it?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “No, there’s more! You see? When the left tire mark goes up on the curb, and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the ’64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn’t happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the ’60s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheelbase, and wheel track as the ’64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.”
Vinny Gambini: “And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?”
Mona Lisa Vito: “They were!”
Vinny Gambini: “Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very, very much. You’ve been a lovely, lovely witness.”
My Cousin Vinny Quotes That’ll Bring a Smile to Your Face
16. Stan Rothenstein: “Why didn’t you ask them any questions?!”
Vinny Gambini: “Questions? Ask who questions?”
Bill Gambini: “You knew you could ask questions, didn’t you, Vin?”
Stan Rothenstein: “Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!”
Vinny Gambini: “Hey, Stan. You’re in Ala-f*ckin-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.”
17. “Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what’s most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.’s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right? Let me show you something. He’s going to show you the bricks. He’ll show you they got straight sides. He’ll show you how they got the right shape. He’ll show them to you in a very special way so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there’s one thing he’s not gonna show you. When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they’re as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, ’cause you’re innocent. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If, after that point, you don’t think that I’m the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I’ll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.” – Vinny Gambini
18. “That’s it. You’re on your own. I’ll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.” — Vinny Gambini
19. Mona Lisa Vito: “Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?”
Vinny Gambini: “No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn’t drip.”
20. “He’s going to call back after three. Which gives you a ‘stay of execution.’ Unless, by some miracle, you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don’t you go to lunch?” – Judge Chamberlain Haller
Other My Cousin Vinny Quotes for a Day Full of Excitement
21. Vinny Gambini: “I object to this witness being called at this time. We’ve been given no prior notice he’d testify. No discovery of any tests he’s conducted or reports he’s prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence, so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness’s reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Mr. Gambini?”
Vinny Gambini: “Yes, sir?”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “That is a lucid, intelligent, well-thought-out objection.”
Vinny Gambini: “Thank you, Your Honor.”
Judge Chamberlain Haller: “Overruled.”
22. “Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York and give me a call.” — Vinny Gambini
23. “You can get it? All right, go get it. Then we’ll fight.” — Vinny Gambini
24. Mona Lisa Vito: “You’re goin’ hunting?”
Vinny Gambini: “That’s right.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “Why are you going hunting? Shouldn’t you be out preparing for court?”
Vinny Gambini: “I was thinking last night. If only I knew what he knows, you know? If he’d let me look at his files; oh boy.”
Mona Lisa Vito: “I don’t get it. What does getting to Trotter’s files have anything to do with hunting?”
Vinny Gambini: “Well, you know, two guys, out in the woods, guns, on the hunt. It’s a bonding thing, you know; show him I’m one of the boys. He’s not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he’ll relax enough to drop his guard so I can finesse a little information out of him.”
25. Vinny Gambini: “I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for 200 dollars, which she won. I’m here to collect.”
J.T.: “How ’bout if I just kick your *ss?”
Vinny Gambini: “Oh, a counteroffer. That’s what we lawyers—I’m a lawyer—we lawyers call that a counteroffer. This is a tough decision here. Get my *ss kicked or collect 200 dollars. Let me think. I could use a good *ss-kickin’, I’ll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I’ll just go with the 200.”
J.T.: “Over my dead body.”
Vinny Gambini: “You like to renegotiate as you go along, don’t you? Well, here’s my counteroffer. Do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?”
J.T.: “In your dreams.”
Vinny Gambini: “Oh no, no. In reality, if I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?”
Which My Cousin Vinny Quotes Do You Think Are the Funniest?
My Cousin Vinny is an exaggeration of courtroom affairs. It’s a Hollywood representation of what goes on in trials. Although that’s the case, there are still some lessons we can pick up from this hilarious movie.
For one, we can better understand court proceedings through the scenes in the movie. If we try to look beyond comedy, we’ll see some valuable lessons for all aspiring lawyers.
Through Vinny, we learn that power dressing is important, preparing and doing research beforehand is essential, and respecting one’s client is the best way to go about any case. These lessons are a few examples of why My Cousin Vinny is a great comedy movie.
Like other timeless works, a good comedy would only be great if it’s able to embed helpful morals for everyone. The next time you want a good laugh or a reminder of these lessons, make sure you read our list again!
