35 Tommy Boy Quotes for Everyone Who Needs a Good Laugh

These Tommy Boy quotes prove that this comedy movie is a timeless classic no one will ever get tired of!

This 1995 cult classic was based on the real-life family road trips and adventures of Chris Farley. In fact, this is the movie that made Farley a comedic icon. If you’re a ‘90s kid, there’s a high chance you can quote the most iconic lines from the movie in a heartbeat!

Tommy Boy zooms in on Tommy Callahan’s journey of inheriting his father’s business. The company is on the brink of crumbling down, so Tommy has to step up to save it. Albeit an underachiever, he still wanted to keep the family’s legacy, so he teams up with a snide accountant, Richard Hayden.

This leads to a series of hilarious scenes and interactions unique to Tommy Boy. So, if you’re a fan and want to revisit your favorite scenes, check out this list of the movie’s best quotes below.

Let’s go!

And don’t forget to check out these Uncle Buck quotes and Home Alone quotes.

Best Tommy Boy Quotes

1. “Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.” – Tommy Callahan

2. “Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I’ve done to you!” – Michelle Brock

3. “It’s called reading! Top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches. Midol for any cramps.” – Richard Hayden

4. Gas Station Employee: “I’m starting to pick up your sarcasm.”

Richard Hayden: “Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.”

5. Tommy Callahan: “Did you hear I finally graduated?”

Richard Hayden: “Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.”

Tommy Callahan: “You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.”

Richard Hayden: “I know, they’re called doctors.”

6. “Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge and they sting crazy! They’re ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!” – Tommy Callahan

7. Tommy Callahan: “Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.”

Ted Nelson: “Go on, I’m listening.”

Tommy Callahan: “Here’s the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ’cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.”

Ted Nelson: “Yeah, makes a man feel good.”

Tommy Callahan: “’Course it does. Why shouldn’t it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?”

8. Tommy Callahan: “Does this suit make me look fat?”

Richard Hayden: “No, your face does.”

9. “Forget it. I quit. I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I’m out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment!” – Tommy Callahan

Funny Tommy Boy Quotes That You Won’t Get Enough Of

10. “I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud. Rob, you were there.” – Tommy Callahan

11. “Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, ‘Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.’” – Ray Zalinsky

12. “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.” – Tommy Callahan

13. Richard Hayden: “Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash―that really ups the resale value.”

Tommy Callahan: “I think you’ll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn’t know that.”

Richard Hayden: “I think your brain has a thick candy shell.”

Tommy Callahan: “Your―your brain has the―the shell on it.”

Richard Hayden: “Are you talking?”

Tommy Callahan: “Shut up, Richard.”

14. “You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.” – Tommy Callahan

15. “Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I’m a hell of a salesman and he doesn’t know any better.” – Ray Zalinsky

16. Paul Barish: “Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?”

Tommy Callahan: “Why?”

17. “Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He’ll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he’s never been laid. Exits, okay, there’s one back here, and there’s uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end, stick it in the big end, and―hey, know what? If you guys don’t know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these―we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it’s gonna be a mountain.” – Richard Hayden

Short Tommy Boy Quotes That Will Forever Be Iconic

18. “That’s gonna leave a mark.” – Tommy Callahan

19. “Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.” – Tommy Callahan

20. “He’s a big, dumb animal, isn’t he folks?” – Richard Hayden

21. “I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.” – Tommy Callahan

22. “These shoes are Italian. They’re worth more than your life.” – Paul Barish

23. “Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter.” – Richard Hayden

24. “I got a D+! I’m gonna graduate! Give me five!” – Tommy Callahan

25. “Look mommy, the rhino’s getting too close to the car.” – Richard Hayden

26. “Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum going.” – Tommy Callahan

Tommy Boy Quotes for Fans of Comedy and Adventure Movies

27. “Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn’t the end. No way. We’re gonna show this world a thing or two.” – Tommy Callahan

28. Tommy Callahan: “Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.”

Richard Hayden: “All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.”

29. Tommy Callahan: “Um, we don’t take no prisoners.”

Richard Hayden: “We don’t take no for an answer.”

30. Reporter: “Is that why you’ve strapped a bomb to your chest?”

Tommy Callahan: “Oh this isn’t a bomb. These are road flares.”

Ray Zalinsky: “Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?”

More Tommy Boy Quotes to Keep In Your Heart

31. “If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!” – Tommy Callahan

32. Tommy Callahan: “Richard do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.”

Richard Hayden: “Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.”

33. Ray Zalinsky: “Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?”

Tommy Callahan: “Sir it’s a taxicab air freshener.”

34. Richard Hayden: “Late again Tommy?”

Tommy Callahan: “Shut up, Richard!”

35. “How do you know the guaranteed fairy isn’t some crazy glue sniffer? He sneaks into your house once and that’s all it takes. Next thing you know, there is money missing off your dresser and your daughter is knocked up! I’ve seen it a hundred times.” – Tommy Callahan

Do You Have a Special Place in Your Heart for Tommy Boy?

Tommy Boy is your typical comedy movie that will make your belly ache with all the laughter. However, it also helps us understand that people can sometimes save the day through their hilarious and seemingly irrelevant antics.

Because of his personality, Tommy was able to build good relationships with a lot of different people. This is especially important because, after all, the nature of the business he’s trying to save is sales. In this kind of business, what one has to focus on more is the customer—the people—and not the product per se.

Tommy Callahan also teaches us the value of not giving up on the first try. No one will be able to build a business empire in one go; one must have to travel down a long road filled with rejection before reaching the end.

So, albeit a comedy, Tommy Boy is a classic packed with many lessons we can apply in life and business. Read this list of quotes again when you need to pick up on some funny but valuable pieces of advice!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.