This soon-to-be mom’s husband must always have a say in their finances. So, she decided to stand up for herself when he blew up at her for spending $35 on a drying rack!
Our Finances Are Controlled
OP (Original Poster) and her husband split the mortgage of their house and put equal amounts into the downpayment. He made around $45,000 more than she does, and though they have a shared account for housing purchases, OP made it a point to have separate personal accounts.
She said, “I was reluctant to merge our accounts because I feel he can be controlling and didn’t want to have my purchases analyzed.”
Where Their Money Goes
Even though they have a shared account for housing purchases, OP buys most of their groceries since she “drives around the city getting discounts.” On the other hand, OP’s husband supports her mother-in-law financially.
She mentioned that she spent more on groceries than her husband realized, but they’ve never “nickel and dimed it.” She said, “He’s offered, and I admit I’ve put it off.”
Soon-To-Be Parents and Financial Struggles
OP is currently 40 weeks pregnant and is on medical leave. She’s also about to have a “significantly reduced income” because of her maternity leave.
Apart from this, OP is financially stretched since she has a condo for sale. She mentioned that it’s been free of tenants, and she had been paying for its mortgage.
All They Could Ever Need
Thankfully, they have most of the baby stuff covered, thanks to OP, her efforts, her friend, and her colleagues.
She wrote, “We received mostly everything we could’ve ever wanted for our baby from my friend. I also paid for the car seat, change table, and nursing chair. My job gifted us an enormous amount of diapers.”
Some Essentials
However, they still needed some floating shelves in the nursery. So, OP asked her husband if she could use his credit card for those purchases.
While purchasing the floating shelves, she also used his card to buy a $35 drying rack, and this is where all her problems started.
We Really Needed It
OP explained that they really needed a drying rack, as they used ski poles to hang items between doors and dry them. She had to climb a chair to balance the sticks.
She said, “I am thinking of all the laundry I’ll be doing with a baby and don’t want to be climbing a chair to balance clothing on ski poles. When I expressed wanting to buy one, he said he wanted one he could attach to the wall. He’s also expressed it not being a priority at this time since my income is reduced; he makes over $100,000.”
I’m Sure It’ll Be a Point of Discussion
OP was almost positive there would be an issue with her buying the drying rack with her husband’s credit card. So, she made it a point to use her credit card for all the other errands she had to accomplish that day.
She said, “I filled the gas in my car, which we share; bought new batteries for our garage door opener—$15; made copies of our house keys since he asked me to—$15; small groceries—$30—since my Mom is staying with us and he gets cranky when ‘his’ food is eaten.”
Doing Everything She Could
OP noted that she might be “incredibly verbose” by mentioning everything. However, she felt like these details mattered.
After all, she “truly runs herself to her financial limit to avoid his wrath and lectures.”
She Was Right
When she got home, OP proved herself right; her husband immediately demanded she return the drying rack!
OP returned it but told her husband that he was “controlling.” She said, “We were supposed to go on a date as a final evening before the baby; he canceled that and told me it’s the ‘last time he will be sponsoring my shopping habit.’ This comment pushed me over the edge. I am truly so frugal and spend all my own money.”
You’re Spending My Money!
OP’s husband accused her of buying things “for fun” using his card. But OP couldn’t be more appalled.
She said she used his card a total of 5 to 10 times in their 5-year relationship, and all she ever bought were groceries for parties with her husband’s family. She reiterated that she had never once used his card for anything personal.
You’re on Your Own!
Thirty-two hours after their fight, OP’s husband suddenly told her that he was buying his own car, and OP said it was probably “to dissociate from needing anything from her.”
He then told OP that he would “never help her financially again.” Additionally, OP’s husband said that “it’s up to her to figure out how she’s going to finance her maternity leave.”
Deeper Issue
OP said she understood that her husband was stressed. Even so, it was not an excuse for him to act this way.
She said, “He is stressed, and I think his stress comes out in the form of control. He’s also a 40-year-old man and needs to learn to deal with stress like any other adult in society. I also feel his response was not so much about the $35 but that I bought something ‘we don’t need,’ that was not preapproved.”
Standing Her Ground
OP had had enough and refused to apologize. She made it very clear to her husband that this had upset her, leading to further escalating the issue.
She’s also “p***ed off” because “this is the kind of support” she gets nearing her labor. She’s also “p***ed off” because she felt like there’s an assumption by OP’s husband’s family and friends that she “lives off of his income” since they had a beautiful home in a nice neighborhood and her husband had a significantly higher paying job than her, but she never let it on that this assumption could be further than the truth.
The Community’s Suggestions
For Redditors, what her husband is doing is a form of abuse.
“Abuse often escalates in pregnancy. You are now, in his eyes, financially and physically trapped, and he is escalating his control and financial abuse of you. This is not going to get better if you sell your condo, as you will have nowhere to go. At the very least, you need to agree to him giving you a fixed amount of his income per month whilst on maternity leave. If he doesn’t agree to this, you need to leave. Otherwise, you will build up increasing debt on your leave or be forced to go back to work too early. And he will likely force you to pay for daycare, too,” said a top commenter. Another agreed and replied, “You are now at your most vulnerable, and he is exploiting that. You need to manage sure you have a good support system without him and make a plan to leave without telling him your plans.”
Get Out Now!
Some people also suggest that OP get out of the abusive relationship now and ensure her child’s safe from it.
One said, “He is absolutely financially abusing you. Save yourself and your child future heartache, and get out now!” Another Redditor said, “I agree with this. It’s only going to get worse as your child needs things and/or art, dance, or music classes. My impression is he doesn’t mind spending money on himself but takes issue when spending it on something else. This can only bring years of hurt and resentment. Strongly consider distancing yourself from him, if not for yourself, then to protect your child!”
What should OP do? Do you think she should leave?
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This post first appeared as Her Husband Said He’ll “Never Help Her Financially Again” After She Bought a $35 Drying Rack. She’s 40 Weeks Pregnant, Anxious, and Now Has to Finance Her Maternity Leave Alone! on Quote Ambition.
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