This Redditor’s boyfriend asked if she could cover more of the bills or let his father move in with them, and she refused. Now, she’s dealing with her boyfriend vilifying her for her decision!
OP (Original Poster) lives with her boyfriend and their one-year-old child.
They’re both “pretty financially stable” and share their expenses “50/50.” They also hope to purchase a house next year.
Living on Wheels
For more context, OP explained that her boyfriend’s father is 65 years old and used to live in an RV in a parking lot. For quite some time, the business that owned the parking lot had given her boyfriend’s father permission to stay there.
However, things changed fast when the business asked his father to move spur of the moment.
His father’s RV wasn’t working at the time, so he had to have it towed to the public street. OP noted that his father “chooses” to live like this, as he receives social security and also has a savings account but refuses to change his lifestyle.
Given the issues with the RV, his father decided it was time to sell it. This would then mean that OP’s boyfriend’s dad needed somewhere to live permanently.
Responsibility Heaped On
OP and her boyfriend located a place for his father to stay for a “few weeks,” but he wouldn’t be able to stay there permanently. After some time, her boyfriend told her he’d work on finding an apartment for his dad and would help pay for it.
He then asked OP if she’d be “willing to cover more of the bills.”
Unnecessary Financial Burden
OP hesitated to take on this responsibility since her boyfriend didn’t state for “how long or how much” she’d be expected to cover. He then told her they needed to “take care of family,” which she agreed with, but she mentioned she had “limits on what she could do.”
Her boyfriend then asked if she could “take on $400 more a month for 5 years,” and OP immediately told him that was “too much.” OP admitted she could probably “swing it short-term” but was unwilling to commit to this “indefinitely.”
A Man Child
After that, OP’s boyfriend asked her if his father could live with them after they bought their new home next year.
OP said that while his father was a “really nice guy,” he tended to “overstay his welcome” and “over ask on favors.” He also didn’t help with “cleaning up after himself,” and OP worried he’d expect her to “cook for him and serve him in the traditional sense.”
Not a Maid
While OP was happy to do these things during her boyfriend’s father’s monthly visits, it wasn’t something she was willing to do long-term on a day-to-day basis. Because of this, her boyfriend called her “selfish” and said she wasn’t “family-oriented.”
Despite this, OP stood firm on not “funding his dad’s retirement” and not adding to her “caretaking responsibilities.”
Trying to Help
OP went on to build spreadsheets for her boyfriend to use when discussing retirement regarding finances with his dad.
However, his dad remained “avoidant of the conversation.”
Not Giving up Yet
OP even went a step further and provided applications to her boyfriend for affordable housing. Despite this, her boyfriend “vilified” her for not wanting to help.
In return, she told her boyfriend that if he really cared about his dad, he would’ve filled out the housing application. Instead, he had waited until his dad was kicked out of the parking lot to do anything.
Now, OP is angry over how things have played out. She took “multiple preventative measures,” and because she was ignored and nothing was done, she’s now expected to “carry the burden.”
Always Needing to Be Bailed Out
OP added that her boyfriend’s father has the tendency never to tell them he’s in trouble until the last minute, and then they’re expected to “bail him out.”
Based on everything OP knew, she fully believed she “could not live with him” because she would “never have peace in her own home.”
She was definitely willing to give what she could, but only after she ensured her baby was provided for, her own retirement funds were added to, and her day-to-day living expenses were handled.
Time With Family
OP concluded by stating she was “somewhat familiar with caretaking an older person” and knew just how much work went into it. She knew that if her boyfriend’s father moved in, it would take away time from her being a mother to her baby, which she noted wouldn’t be fair to her child.
So, she asked, “Am I the a**hole for not wanting to live with him or give him money for rent?”
What Users Think of the Issue
The community was quick to side with OP and advise her to stand her ground and not let her boyfriend’s father move in.
One top-upvoted user said, “Do not agree to this. Your boyfriend should help his father by making the applications for housing and finding out what resources he can access. Do not let the father live with you since both he and your boyfriend will expect you to be everyone’s caretaker.”
Another Redditor commented, “If the father moves in, you will be cooking for him, cleaning for him, doing his laundry, making his bed. And it seems like your partner has his head up his a**. He’s more interested in rescuing his dad than in taking a realistic look at how moving in would affect his own family and his relationship with you.”
Get Out Now
Many other users were adamant in recommending OP move out with her baby until this ordeal has been resolved.
“Yep. Do not marry this guy. Do not buy a house with this guy. Find an apartment you can afford to buy on your own and move out. Let your partner figure out his father’s situation alone. Don’t break up with him—unless you want to. Just move out. I’ll bet he gets on top of applications for affordable housing quickly the moment he finds he can’t rely on you to fund his father’s retirement or clean up after him. You can decide if you want to let your partner move in with you in your apartment after his father is squared away,” commented one user.
Do you think OP should’ve let her boyfriend’s father move in with them? Do you think OP was right to stand her ground and demand her boyfriend figure out a different solution?
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This post first appeared as She Refused to Take In Her Boyfriend’s Father and Be His “Caretaker” Indefinitely. Her Partner Says She’s “Selfish” and “Not Family-Oriented,” but He’s Just Not Her Priority! Was She Wrong? on Quote Ambition.