OP (Original Poster) is hurt that her brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law only look to her as a source of funds. Do they not appreciate her enough to have her be part of their wedding?
Only Family Left
OP’s 29-year-old brother will be getting married soon. Sadly, they are the only two left in their family.
She said their mom died in 2012, and their dad in 2016. OP shared, “We are each other’s only living relatives.”
Well-Paying Job
She added that she makes a lot of money—almost $190,000 annually. Meanwhile, her brother, who was also well-paid, earned nearly $44,000 a year.
OP said that she admitted her brother’s salary was nowhere near hers, but because they lived in Northern Ireland, her brother’s salary was already considered hefty. No matter how much the disparity was between their wages, OP and her brother were raised to help each other out—not just financially; she said her brother supported her emotionally numerous times before.
Husband and Wife’s Agreement
OP also noted that she and her husband were child-free, and her husband was on board with the idea of helping OP’s brother financially—in whatever aspect. In one of OP’s edits, she added that they also help her husband’s sister financially, especially with university fees.
Financial Help
OP shared the different times she helped her brother out financially.
She mentioned, “Over the years, I have paid for my brother’s Master’s degree and the down payment on his house—our parents rented, so there is no family home. I will also be paying for my future sister-and-law and my brother to have future rounds of IVF.”
Soon-To-Be Sister-In-Law
To give more background, OP also shared that her future sister-in-law only worked part-time and earned around $18,000 a year because of some medical issues. She said these medical issues were also the reason behind them going for an IVF.
OP also said adoption wasn’t one of the options they could go for because “there is some serious bulls*** about sister-in-law’s illness meaning they aren’t ‘attractive candidates.’” Her parents were also not well-off and couldn’t help the couple financially.
Could You Help Us?
Given that, OP’s brother asked her sister if she could help them finance the wedding. Instead of just chipping in, OP was generous enough to offer to pay for everything.
She said, “I said I’d pay for it, as it is small, with 100 guests, and set up a wedding account for them into which I put £25,000, which they both have access to.”
Odd One Out
After her conversation with her brother about the money, she realized that she and her husband were just guests. They were not involved at all in the wedding, unlike her future sister-in-law’s family.
She mentioned that her entire family would be groomsmen and bridesmaids, but she would only be emailed costing of venues and other services.
Upset at the Situation
She was upset that she wasn’t part of her brother’s special day, so she reached out to him and told him, “I don’t mind paying for the wedding, but I feel really weird that everyone else is involved in the decision and I’m just involved with paying.”
However, instead of understanding his sister, OP’s brother blew up. He told her she could never replace their parents, and that’s why she wasn’t involved.
Hurting and Confused
OP is left confused about what to feel.
She shared, “I feel like an a**hole for causing drama, but also feel taken advantage of. Am I the a**hole?”
Never Available
In an edit, OP clarified that her brother and future sister-in-law weren’t the ones who planned the engagement party that she and her husband weren’t invited to. In fact, they were shocked that they weren’t there.
Instead, her future sister-in-law’s family arranged everything, and they said they didn’t invite OP and her husband because they “were never available.” This issue had already been resolved, but OP’s sister-in-law still didn’t want her to participate in the wedding.
Trying to Make a Conversation
OP reached out to her brother and future sister-in-law and told them about what she felt, but her future sister-in-law just argued that she and her siblings had been planning her wedding for years, and they wanted to follow tradition.
She then said that traditionally, the bride’s family should also pay for part of the wedding, and they were welcome to if they wanted. OP then added that traditionally, the groom’s family should also be involved in the planning.
Biting Back
OP’s future sister-in-law felt it was an attack on her and accused OP of belittling her family for not being well-off. Of course, OP disagreed, but the issue got bigger and bigger.
No matter what OP tried to tell her future sister-in-law—that she wouldn’t change anything she had planned; she just wanted to be part of her brother’s big day—she would just shut OP down. OP shared, “Sister-in-law isn’t interested in seeing me as or treating me like family. This is clear.”
Drawing the Line
As if OP hadn’t been abused enough, her future sister-in-law’s mom called to ask her and her husband to help pay for the couple’s honeymoon. This time, OP lost it.
She asked, “Did she not think me paying for the wedding was enough? She said she had no idea that I was paying; she just assumed it was my brother.”
Calling Her Brother
After their conversation, OP immediately reached out to her brother to ask him about the situation. He then answered that he had no idea they hadn’t been informed.
At this point, OP was fuming; she asked herself, “Isn’t that just the default assumption at this point? Bank of Sister is paying.” Her brother tried to appease her and said that his soon-to-be wife and her family “don’t realize how much she’s done and continue to do,” and he said he’d sort things out.
Taking a Step Back
Once OP’s brother smoothed things over, he asked her how she’d want to be involved, but at this point, OP’s had enough. She shared, “I said, in all honesty, the fact that it’s taken several rows and a thread on Reddit for him to realize that I wasn’t being treated with respect is hurtful, and it should not take this level of drama to be included in my only family member’s wedding. I said I would just attend as a guest.”
She also told him he would be taking a step back from everything.
What Happens Now?
Upon hearing that, her brother asked her if that meant they’d see each other less or if she was distancing herself from him. However, OP reassured him and said she’ll always love and support him; it’s just that she was hurt that they didn’t value their relationship.
In the end, both OP and her brother agreed that it would be the best route.
What the Community Has to Say
People tried to comfort OP and let her see that she did more than she should have done, which was more than enough.
One said, “Not the a**hole. It is their wedding, so of course, they have the final say, but if you are the one paying for the wedding, then you should be involved in the process of planning it. You are acting in place of your parents, and as such, you should have been included. Your brother and future sister-in-law are being very short-sighted, ungrateful, and selfish. To not even include you in the wedding party when your sister-in-law’s entire family is involved is beyond the pale.”
Do you think OP made the right decision in the end? What do you have to say to her brother or future sister-in-law?
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This post first appeared as She Spent $31,000 for Her Brother’s Wedding and Wasn’t Even Invited to the Engagement Party. She’s Her Brother’s Only Living Family, Yet She Gets Treated Like an ATM! on Quote Ambition.
