This user worked nights and had a great home life until recently. Her mother developed alcoholism, making her want to move out, and then she found out her mom was dying.
Ready to Leave the Nest
OP (Original Poster) is a 19-year-old girl who lives in a small one-story house with her parents. She has been wanting to move out for over a year.
Upsetting the Situation
Wanting to move out was nothing new to OP; she had wanted to move out and be on her own since she was 16. The problem is that her mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she already had heart issues.
The Struggle Is Real
With the diagnosis, no one expected her mother to last more than three years, and with her heart condition, the estimate shrunk to around a year. Since they found out, OP said she and her father have been arguing, and her father and mother have been arguing.
Despite the Issues
Despite the issues they are facing, OP’s parents are supportive of her moving out. Her mom isn’t the type to say no, and her father told her it would be fine if she wanted to move.
Alternative Lifestyles
Due to working overnight, OP struggled with constant guests at the house. It was hard for her to sleep when working from 11 PM to 7 AM in a small one-story place, with guests over all the time, constant arguing, and her parent’s dog barking all the time.
Changing Personality
To make matters worse, OP’s mom went from being a kind, fantastic person to an alcoholic who would hit her and her father and throw things at them. She also made threats against them and threatened to take her own life.
Making It Worse
Things got worse when she discovered the extent of her heart and cancer condition. OP would stay at friends’ houses or in her car and once slept under a bridge to get away from home.
Trying to be Better
Over the last year, OP’s mom had stopped drinking, but she and OP’s father were disabled and elderly. She would still stop by and help them with things, like taking them places, but she doesn’t want to live there anymore.
Friendly Advice
OP’s friend lost her mom two years ago and put off moving because of it. She told OP to do the same, which OP understood because she felt terrible about moving out in the first place.
Hard to Handle
The problem OP faced was that she was depressed and anxious all the time and was never at home. The situation was taking a toll on OP’s mental and physical health and driving her further and further away from her family.
Grief and Outrage
Her friend told her that if she had the chance to stay with her mom longer, she would’ve, and they fought over the situation. What made it all worse was that her mom had adopted OP when she was two years old and had gotten her out of an abusive household.
What the Community Has to Say
Redditors tried to offer OP what advice they could and some comfort because of the difficult situation she found herself in.
One Redditor said, “Not the a**hole. When people with abusive parents talk about wanting to distance themselves, a lot of the time, well-meaning but clueless people will self-insert and think about what they would do, and they think about their loving parents and how they would act, which is bad logic. If anyone questions or scolds you, tell them something like, ‘If my mom treated me the way yours treated you, it would be a different story.’”
Another brought up the severity of the situation and said, “Move out! As you said, you will still be there for her, and you will still help out, but watching someone you love die is a very lonely place to be because everyone is worrying about the terminally ill person. You have their blessing. Please take it. Your parents know the mistakes they have made as parents, and yet they still can’t stop themselves. Their permission is the one kindness they are doing for you. Don’t worry about what people who aren’t in your shoes might say. Go. Not the a**hole.”
Sound Advice
Other users felt that OP’s friend wasn’t right to make her feel guilty over moving out.
One Redditor brought up that her friend is projecting, saying, “Not the a**hole. Your friend is just hypocritically virtue signaling. They would surely do the same in your spot, but now, for them, it’s more convenient to act like the hero. Just ignore that, do what seems best for you.”
No Easy Answer
The community agreed there are no easy answers when it comes to families and imminent death.
One Redditor said, “OP, what a difficult situation for you. Even if your mom were the best mother ever to live with, you would not be the a**hole for wanting to move out. Whatever you do, keep your relationship with your dad strong. That might mean spending the weekend or occasional week at home to help him, etc. Try not to be too busy to help him. He’ll go through a lot, especially as your mother’s primary carer. Be helpful.”
Do you think OP should move out or stay at home? How would you react if you were in OP’s situation?
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This post first appeared as A 19-Year-Old Daughter Wants to Move Out Even Though Her Mom Is Dying From Cancer. She’s Had Enough of Her Abuse and Wants to Leave. Is She Wrong? on Quote Ambition.
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