130 Dwight Schrute Quotes That’ll Give You Life Advice

Whether you are a fan of The Office or not, these Dwight Schrute quotes will surely make you laugh.

Dwight Schrute is the highest-ranking salesman in The Office series. At first, he was a condescending and awkward guy who only cared about himself.

But, as the show progressed, we can see how he formed a bond with his workmates and developed self-awareness and selflessness. He treated the people around him as family and even fell in love. Dwight’s growth was so immense that, at some level, viewers were inspired and learned from his adventures and experiences.

So, if you are curious about Dwight Schrute’s humor and learnings in the series, then add this to your must-read list now. Read the complete collection below that will surely make you laugh so hard.

Let’s get started.

And don’t forget to check out these The Office quotes and Michael Scott quotes.

Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

1. “People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.”

2. “You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.”

3. “Failure of any kind is failure.”

4. “Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on.”

5. “All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”

6. “D.W.I.G.H.T.—Determined. Worker. Intense. Good worker. Hard worker. Terrific.”

7. “I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me.”

8. “I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.”

9. “How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”

10. “Before I do anything, I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.”

Famous Dwight Schrute Quotes

11. “Who is Justice Beaver?”

12. “Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”

13. “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.”

14. “To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.”

15. “‘R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.'”

16. “Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”

17. “Today, smoking is going to save lives.”

18. “PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world—all show, no meat.”

19. “I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.”

20. “Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.”

Also read: Prison Mike Quotes, Andy Bernard Quotes

Inspirational Dwight Schrute Quotes

21. “No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

22. “The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others, supreme. That’s great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order, supreme.”

23. “I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran killed 20 men and spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kinds of fights.”

Hilarious Dwight Schrute Quotes That Are So Like Him

24. “People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck.”

25. “It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”

26. “I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”

27. “Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.”

28. “I don’t believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is ‘Ow! I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me, and I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

29. “I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.”

30. “Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.”

31. “I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose and a panther.”

32. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”

33. “Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so, actually, Jim is my enemy.”

Also read: Kevin Malone Quotes

Dwight Schrute Quotes to Give You Insight on Love and Relationships

34. “Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!”

35. “Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it, snare it, tame it, feed it.”

36. “A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”

37. “Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”

38. “I just want to be friends, plus a little extra, also, I love you.”

Also read: True Love Quotes, Love Quotes

Absurd Dwight Schrute Quotes That Are Full of Facts

39. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”

40. “Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, February 14th.”

41. “Today is your birthday? False. Today is the anniversary of your birthday.”

42. “Many ideas were not appreciated in their time. Like shampoo.”

43. “Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet, so fine, call me a Sasquatch!”

44. “You know what they say, those who can’t farm, farm celery.”

45. “Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces.”

46. “I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. ‘Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.”

47. “Five minutes ahead of schedule, right on schedule.”

Funny Dwight Schrute Quotes

48. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”

49. “I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”

50. Pam Beesly: “Dwight, am I hot right now?”

Dwight Schrute: “Why would I or anyone else think that you’re hot right now? I can’t impregnate you, and that’s the driving force between male-female attraction.”

51. “Michael always says, ‘K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.”

52. “Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”

53. “They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!”

54. “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

55. “Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”

56. “I signed up for second life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same, except I could fly.”

57. “Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.”

58. “I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England.”

59. “And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.”

60. “A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.”

61. “Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get so cynical?”

Also read: Funny Quotes

Dwight Schrute Quotes to Make You Laugh

62. “Michael, you shouldn’t have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit.”

63. “I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”

64. Oscar Martinez: “Don’t you want to see the baby?”

Dwight Schrute: “Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”

65. “The eyes are the groin of the head.”

66. “I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart.”

67. “I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.”

68. “It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect.”

69. “That’s cool. Hey, you know what’s even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.”

70. Jim Halpert: “My condolences.”

Dwight Schrute: “Keep them.”

71. “Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? You obviously aren’t scared enough.”

72. “There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”

73. “The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.”

74. “I really like Andy these days. He’s pretended, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when the real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown.”

75. “Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart, and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”

Dwight Schrute Quotes That Tell the Story of His Family and Childhood

76. “The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.”

77. “There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep.”

78. “Congratulations on your one cousin. I have 70, each one better than the last!”

79. “I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, a couple of pigs watching.”

80. “Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It’s right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you’ve gone too far.”

81. “Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year!”

82. “As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”

83. “First rule in roadside beet sales: put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, ‘Wow. I need this beet right now.’ Those are the money beets.”

84. “The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man’s life comes together perfectly, ‘perfectenschlag.’ Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now. And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, ‘perfect pork anus,’ which I don’t mean.”

Also read: Family Quotes, Sister Quotes

Dwight Schrute Quotes for People Who Love Dark Jokes

85. “I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.”

86. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.”

87. “Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.”

88. “As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys actually, so, mystery solved.”

89. “Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”

90. “I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that. He’d probably end up a hero there anyway.”

91. “You can’t get flowers for someone who’s in a coma. They’ll wilt before he wakes up.”

92. “Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.”

93. “All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.”

94. “Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible.”

95. “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”

96. “Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.”

97. “Listen up, kid! I don’t like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.”

98. “Listen up, Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, okay! Here are the new rules, okay? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.”

99. “Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.”

Dwight Schrute Quotes for Nerds 

100. “Always the Padawan, never the Jedi.”

101. “And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.”

102. “There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn’t destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.”

103. “I am making a citizen’s arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. And you have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight’s rights.”

Interesting Dwight Schrute Quotes to Know More About Him

104. “Ah, humor. I have it, too.”

105. “Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years.”

106. “I overslept. Dang rooster didn’t crow.”

107. “Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha. Well, I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”

108. “I wanna have a child for business reasons, and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything.”

109. Jim Halpert: “Is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?”

Dwight Schrute: “Here’s one: it was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I’d never felt before, father, dressed in white, pulls me forward, mother bites the cord.”

110. “And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure.'”

111. “I am faster than 80% of all snakes.”

112. “Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.”

113. “What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”

114. “Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years, which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence.”

115. “When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.”

116. “My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”

More Dwight Schrute Quotes to Lighten Up Your Day

117. “Birthday time is over! Now, go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap.”

118. Michael Scott: “Why do you have a diary?”

Dwight Schrute: “To keep secrets from my computer.”

119. “I’m gonna intimidate him, okay? Watch this, so anyways, she said that is the biggest penis I have ever seen, and I said I know! That’s why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.”

120. “You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.”

121. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

122. “This is a beautiful moment, which leads to the question: how many takes did it take to film it?”

123. “I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly, I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.”

124. “In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”

125. “When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.”

126. “You think you’re excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”

127. “There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”

128. “If Jim has bedbugs, that means they’re everywhere. I can’t risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200-year-old mattresses.”

129. “Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago, we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.”

130. “It’s not effeminate. It’s festive.”

Did These Quotes Inspire You to Be More Like Dwight Schrute?

Dwight evolved so much over the seasons that you will barely recognize him if you rewatch the first episode. However, one thing remained the same—never giving up on his dreams.

Since the pilot episode, Dwight wanted to be the regional manager and only became one in the ninth season. It shows just how determined and focused he is in reaching his dreams. Despite the changes he underwent, his persistence and diligent personality never changed.

Many of us will surely relate to the feeling of wanting to give up, especially when our extreme efforts seem to amount to nothing. After all, life is hard, and it is always easy to stop. So, we hope that these Dwight Schrute quotes were able to remind you to keep going and reach your goals in life.

Always remember to look around once in a while and enjoy life. Soon, you will find yourself in the place you once thought you would never reach. Take Dwight as an example and continue working toward your goals.

Is Dwight your favorite The Office character? Which quote of his is your favorite? Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below!

Leave a Comment