50 Fletch Quotes That Ever Dry Humor Fan Will Love

Let these Fletch quotes keep you on the edge of your seat and fill your heart with fun and entertainment!

At first, you may think that Fletch is just a typical comedy movie about being undercover, drugs, and rich peoples’ schemes.

But, in a twisted turn of events, it tells the story of a journalist trying to find answers to Alan Stanwyk—a millionaire and successful executive—wanting to die.

The movie is interesting in and of itself. However, what really makes the movie popular and hilarious is its refreshing deadpan and dry humor.

So, it’s no surprise that Fletch became a cult favorite and was included in the top-grossing domestic movies in its first year of release.

Fletch is definitely a movie worth revisiting, from its hilarious plot to its unforgettable characters and lines.

So, check out our complete collection below if you’re curious about its great jokes and puns!

Start reading here.

And don’t miss out these Animal House quotes and Nacho Libre quotes.

Best Fletch Quotes

1. “Don’t talk to me like that, assface. I don’t work for you yet.” – Irwin Fletcher

2. “I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.” – Irwin Fletcher

3. “Why don’t we go lay on the bed, and I’ll fill you in?” – Irwin Fletcher

4. “There has been a lot of drug smuggling on the beach lately. I have been trying to find out who’s behind it. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t shower much.” – Irwin Fletcher

5. “Well, I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the law.” – Irwin Fletcher

6. “Keep 10 for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass.” – Irwin Fletcher

7. “It was something your wife said while we were in bed together. Curiously, she said we had roughly the same build. From the waist up, I imagine.” – Irwin Fletcher

8. Irwin Fletcher: “Can’t keep me here, chief.”

Chief Karlin: “Maybe I’m not going to keep you here. Maybe I’m going to blow your brains out.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Well, now, I’m no lawyer, but I do believe that’s a violation of my rights.”

9. “You know, if you shoot me, you’re liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.” – Irwin Fletcher

10. Fat Sam: “I’ve got some reds.”

Irwin Fletcher: “You don’t mean communists, do you, Sammy?”

Funny Fletch Quotes

11. “Act like you don’t give a crap, and you fit right in.” – Irwin Fletcher

12. “Well, the traffic was murder, you know. One of those manure spreaders jackknifed on the Santa Ana. God awful mess. You should see my shoes.” – Irwin Fletcher

13. “Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.” – Irwin Fletcher

14. Waiter: “Excuse me, señor, you are a member of the club?”

Irwin Fletcher: “No, I’m here with the Underhills.”

Waiter: “The Underhills? They are left, señor.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Oh they’ll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.”

15. “Strangers in the night, exchanging clothing, strangers in my pants.” – Irwin Fletcher

16. “Looks like you two have a lot to catch up on. We’ll just catch the last 10 minutes of Dynasty.” – Irwin Fletcher

17. Dr. Joseph Dolan: “Well, I can’t seem to find anything wrong with you, Mr. Babar.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Well, I’m sure it’s not for a lack of looking.”

18. Irwin Fletcher: “Aren’t you gonna read me my rights?”

Cop: “You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.”

Irwin Fletcher: “I think I’ll waive my rights.”

19. Pathologist: “Ever seen a spleen that large?”

Irwin Fletcher: “No, not since breakfast.”

20. “I hope there’s no one sitting next to me. See, I always fly first class, and I take up both seats. I’m in bridge construction, and these foldouts take up a tremendous amount of space!” – Irwin Fletcher

21. Alan Stanwyk: “You’ll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?”

Irwin Fletcher: “I rent them. I have a lease with an option to buy.”

22. Irwin Fletcher: “Do you have caviar?”

Waiter: “Si señor, Beluga, but it is $80 a portion.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Well, I better just take two portions of that, then.”

23. Waiter: “Would you like some drinks, señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills’ bill.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Oh, yes. Very good. I’ll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich, and a steak sandwich.”

Also read: Funny Quotes

Fletch Quotes That’ll Fill Your Belly With Laughter

24. “Of course, you’ve got some good grillwork there to keep out the ozone. I gotta get this thing up to 95, uh, check out the fluorocarbon output.” – Irwin Fletcher

25. “I can’t figure out what I was doing in Utah this morning.” – Irwin Fletcher

26. Receptionist: “What was that name again?”

Irwin Fletcher: “It’s Dr. Rosen. I want to check the records room.”

Receptionist: “Dr. who?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Dr. Rosen! Where’s the records room?”

27. Gummy: “Fletch! Are you all right?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Oh, yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars.”

28. Irwin Fletcher: “Well, then we’re in kind of a ‘gray’ area.”

Frank Walker: “How gray?”

29. “Oh. Do you have the Beatles’ White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat, and the head of Alfredo Garcia while you’re at it.” – Irwin Fletcher

30. Willy: “What the hell do you need ball bearings for?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Awww, come on, guys. It’s so simple. Maybe you need a refresher course. Hey, you! It’s all ball bearings nowadays. Now, you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I’m gonna need ’bout 10 quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no, make that Quaker State.”

31. Gail Stanwyk: “Look at her! Would you look at her? She looks like a hooker! Could you love someone who looked like that?”

Irwin Fletcher: “What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.”

32. Madeline Turner: “I’m sorry, who are you again?”

Irwin Fletcher: “I’m Frieda’s boss.”

Madeline Turner: “Who’s Frieda?”

Irwin Fletcher: “My secretary.”

33. Gail Stanwyk: “You ordered lunch to my room.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Well, I knew that’s where my mouth would be.”

Gail Stanwyk: “Are you always this forward?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Only with wet, married women.”

34. Reservation Agent: “Utah. In fact, you purchased the ticket for Ms. Cavanaugh.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Doesn’t mean I want her sitting next to me, does it?”

35. Gail Stanwyk: “That’s an odd combination.”

Irwin Fletcher: “So were my parents.”

Also read: Anchorman Quotes

Fletch Quotes for Fans of Detective Comedy Movies

36. Alan Stanwyk: “If you reject the proposition, you keep the thousand, and your mouth shut.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?”

Alan Stanwyk: “It’s nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you.”

37. Alan Stanwyk: “One thousand just to listen. I don’t see how you can pass that up, mister?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Nugent. Ted Nugent.”

38. Doctor: “Isn’t there a children’s book about an elephant named Babar.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Ha, ha, ha. I wouldn’t know. I don’t have any.”

Doctor: “No children?”

Irwin Fletcher: “No elephant books.”

39. Hispanic Housekeeper: “Buenos días.”

Irwin Fletcher: “Pup ‘n’ Taco.”

40. “I didn’t want to do this, but I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you. I’m with the mattress police. There are no tags on these mattresses.” – Irwin Fletcher

41. “Oh, you’ve remodeled the garage. Must have cost you hundreds.” – Irwin Fletcher

42. “And who would have known that the Vice President knew I was opening the door, but the Secret Service, they just, blood.” – Irwin Fletcher

More Fletch Quotes That Are Hilariously Inappropriate

43. “Ellen? Charmed. You know, for an extra grand, I’ll let you take me out to dinner.” – Irwin Fletcher

44. “Go down to the gym and pump each other.” – Irwin Fletcher

45. “Yeah, but I mean the very end when he actually died. That was extremely sudden.” – Irwin Fletcher

46. Stanton Boyd: “What kind of a name is Poon?”

Irwin Fletcher: “Comanche Indian.”

47. “You know, I came this close to buying this place, but then I found out that hop-along Cassidy killed himself here.” – Irwin Fletcher

48. “Look, defenseless babies!” – Irwin Fletcher

49. “Using the whole fist, Doc?” – Irwin Fletcher

50. “You know, if I had a nickel for every one of Alan’s flyboy buddies who hit on me, I’d be a rich woman.” – Gail Stanwyck

Which Fletch Quote Made You Laugh the Hardest?

Many of us know how mundane and repetitive life can be at times. We are often put into situations that bore us and make us feel that our days will never be filled with excitement.

But, we must realize that comedy is actually rooted in real-life situations happening to ordinary people. In the movie, the main character is exposed to absurd events but remains to maintain a straight expression. It’s unique, different, hilariously relatable.

These things are what made us hooked to Fletch. Watching him have these reactions are what really cracks us up and makes us think about how absurd life can be. The complexity of comedy and its elements are perfect for seeing what life is all about—appreciating the mundane things.

So, we hope that these Fletch quotes were able to make you laugh hard and think about life. Keep this collection handy whenever you need some cheering up. We’re sure these Fletch quotes will brighten your day, no matter how gloomy your mood might be.

Which Fletch quotes and jokes are your favorites? Do you have other quotes to add? Share them with us through the comments section!

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Karen Danao

Hi, I’m Karen, a content curator and writer for Quote Ambition; I’m also a marketing and advertising professional. Beyond the keyboard and the screen, I’m someone who’s out to enjoy every bit that life has to offer!

Poetry, philosophy, history, and movies are all topics I love writing about! However, my true passion is in traveling, photography, and finding common ground to which everyone from different cultures can relate.

With the many places I’ve been to, I found that love, inspiration, and happiness are some things that bring people together. No matter how different we are on the outside, I’m a true believer that our emotions don’t lie; if you dig deep into our psyche, we’re all the same inside.

This belief was further amplified when I joined Quote Ambition. Through the quotes I’ve read, collected, organized, and written about, I found that humans are resilient, creative, and compassionate.

We take from each others’ hearts and courage, and it’s through our individual experiences that we learn how to rise above our challenges and pain. In so many ways, Quote Ambition is a platform that allows people from all over the world to gain the inspiration they need anytime, anywhere!

You can find me on MuckRack and LinkedIn.