50 Funniest Quotes From National Lampoon’s Animal House

Let these National Lampoon’s Animal House quotes make you laugh for all the wrong reasons.

National Lampoon’s Animal House is a comedy movie about fraternity men challenging the authority of their dean.

It tells the story of first-year students Larry Kroger and Kent Dorfman and their desire to be a part of a fraternity organization to improve their social lives.

Being part of the notorious Delta Tau Chi fraternity will put them in hilarious situations. But, it’s still an experience that they will never regret.

After all, their memories of being fraternity members also made them grow and learn about standing up for themselves.

Without a doubt, the movie is a gem because it has all the vulgarity and absurdity of college boys that will surely make you laugh.

It also contains scenes and lines that expose the hilarious parts of university life. So, if you need some laughs, make sure you read through this collection.

Start reading here.

And don’t forget to check out these Fletch quotes and Caddyshack quotes.

Best National Lampoon’s Animal House Quotes

1. “Flounder, you can’t spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up. You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.” – Eric Stratton

2. “Put a sock in it, boy, or else you’ll be out of here like shit through a goose.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

3. “Don’t write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He’s a little bit long-winded, he doesn’t translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible. But that doesn’t relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now, I’m waiting for reports from some of you. Listen, I’m not joking. This is my job!” – Professor Dave Jennings

4. “Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.” – John Blutarsky

5. “What? Over? Did you say ‘over?’ Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” – John Blutarsky

6. “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.” – John Blutarsky

7. “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

8. “The time has come for someone to put his foot down, and that foot is me.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

9. “Honestly, Boon, you’re 21 years old. In six months, you’re going to graduate, and tomorrow night, you’re going to wrap yourself in a bedsheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head. It’s cute, but I think I’ll pass this time.” – Katy

10. Donald Schoenstein: “Now, she should be good-looking, but we’re willing to trade looks for a certain morally casual attitude.”

Katy: “You mean you want someone he can screw on the first date.” 

Funny Animal House Quotes

11. “See if you can guess what I am now. I’m a zit. Get it?” – John Blutarsky

12. “Carmine, I don’t think it’s right that you should extort money from the college.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

13. “What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules.” – Eric Stratton 

14. “You’re all worthless and weak! Now, drop and give me 20!” – Douglas C. Neidermeyer

15. “Well, as of this moment, they’re on double secret probation!” – Dean Vernon Wormer

16. “We got to take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part!” – Eric Stratton

17. “Some of the Omegas jumped me and did a little dancing on my face.” – Eric Stratton

18. Katy: “Boon, I think I’m in love with a retard.”

Donald Schoenstein: “Is he bigger than me?”

19. Donald Schoenstein: “Want me to go alone?”

Katy: “Baby, I don’t want you to go at all.”

Donald Schoenstein: “It’s a fraternity party. I’m in the fraternity. How can I miss it?”

Katy: “I’ll write you a note. I’ll say you’re too well to attend.”

20. “Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I’ll have your legs broken.” – Mayor Carmine DePasto

21. “Oh, fabulous. My car filled with your beer buddies going up to empty my parents’ liquor cabinet. It’s too depressing to think about.” – Katy

22. “I gave my love a cherry that had no stone. I gave my love a chicken that had no bones. I gave my love a story that had no end.” – Charming Guy with Guitar

23. Lawrence Kroger: “Before we go any further, there’s something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I’ve never done this before.”

Clorette DePasto: “You’ve never made out with a girl before?”

Lawrence Kroger: “No. No, I mean, I’ve never done what I think we’re gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk.”

Clorette DePasto: “That’s okay, Larry. Neither have I. It’s my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.”

Lawrence Kroger: “Oh, yeah? What about?”

Clorette DePasto: “I’m only 13.”

Also read: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

National Lampoon’s Animal House Quotes That’ll Never Fail to Make You Laugh

24. “Don’t worry. Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.” – Eric Stratton

25. Eric Stratton: “Mine’s bigger.”

Marion Wormer: “I beg your pardon?”

Eric Stratton: “Oh, my cucumber. It’s bigger. Vegetables can be really sensuous, don’t you think?”

26. “There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

27. Kent Dorfman: “Can’t believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.”

Donald Schoenstein: “Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.”

28. “Otter, don’t flatter yourself. It really wasn’t that great.” – Mandy Pepperidge

29. Larry Kroger’s Good Conscience: “For shame! Lawrence, I’m surprised at you!”

Larry Kroger’s Evil Conscience: “Aw, don’t listen to that jack-off. Look at those gazongas. You’ll never get a better chance.”

Larry Kroger’s Good Conscience: “If you lay one finger on that poor, sweet, helpless girl, you’ll despise yourself forever. I’m proud of you, Lawrence.”

30. Robert Hoover: “We’re in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the Jewish house, and they said that every one of our answers on the psych test was wrong.”

Donald Schoenstein: “Every one? Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking exam.”

31. Katy: “Is this really what you’re gonna do for the rest of your life?”

Donald Schoenstein: “What do you mean?”

Katy: “I mean, hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend.”

Donald Schoenstein: “No! After I graduate, I’m gonna get drunk every night.”

32. Donald Schoenstein: “Where are you going? We just got here.”

Katy: “No, Boon, you just got here. I’ve been downstairs for an hour entertaining a boy from Pig’s Knuckle, Arkansas.”

Donald Schoenstein: “Umm, maybe we could drive up to your folks’ place this weekend.”

Also read: Nacho Libre Quotes, Anchorman Quotes

Animal House Quotes to Fill Your Day With Giggles

33. “Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?” – Barbara Sue Jansen

34. Eric Stratton: “Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.”

Kent Dorfman: “Gee, Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?”

Eric Stratton: “It means you have to drive us to the Food King.”

35. Kent Dorfman: “Mrs. Wormer, I’m so glad you could come.”

Marion Wormer: “Cut the crap. Give me a drink.”

36. Doug Neidermeyer: “How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?”

Donald Schoenstein: “How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?”

National Lampoon’s Animal House Quotes and One-Liners to Enjoy

37. “We have an old saying in Delta House: don’t get mad, get even.” – Daniel Simpson Day

38. “That boy is a P-I-G. Pig!” – Barbara Sue Jansen

39. “May I have 10,000 marbles, please?” – Kent Dorfman

40. “They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn’t steal!” – Robert Hoover

41. “Toga! Toga! Toga!” – John Blutarsky

42. “I anticipate a deeply religious experience.” – Eric Stratton

Animal House Quotes to Get To Know the Fraternity Houses

43. “What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’re the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst! ‘Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you, Bluto. We might get in trouble.’ Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this! Wormer, he’s a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer.” – John Blutarsky

44. “Cut the horses, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

45. Dean Vernon Wormer: “Here are your grade point averages.”

Lawrence Kroger: “Two C’s, two D’s, and an F. That’s a 1.2. Congratulations, Kroger. You’re at the top of the Delta pledge class. Mr. Dorfman?”

Kent Dorfman: “Hello!”

46. “Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there’s a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!” – Dean Vernon Wormer

47. Donald Schoenstein: “Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.”

Lawrence Kroger: “Why ‘Pinto?'”

Donald Schoenstein: “Why not?”

More National Lampoon’s Animal House Quotes

48. “You’re not walking out of this one, mister! You’re finished! No more Delta! You’ve bought it this time, buster! I will call your national office! I will revoke your charter! And if you wise guys try one more thing, I am kicking you out of this college! No more fun of any kind!” – Dean Vernon Wormer

49. “Redo those buttons! Dress that belt buckle! Straighten that cap! And damn it, tuck up those pajamas! Attention! Eyes front! What’s that on your chest, mister?” – Douglas C. Neidermeyer

50. “You’re out! Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you off this campus at nine o’clock Monday morning, and I’ve contacted your local draft boards and told them that you were all, all eligible for military service.” – Dean Vernon Wormer

Which National Lampoon’s Animal House Quote Cracked You up the Most?

College life has always been stressful and demanding for students. It is a time when people are pressured because they are preparing for a future full of job opportunities.

In National Lampoon’s Animal House, we can see how students can still have fun despite all the expectations and strict authority placed over them. They express themselves, laugh at the smallest things, and have perseverance in reaching their goals.

Watching them can be outrageously funny. But, it also allows us to take a breather from the seriousness of life we face on a daily basis.

So, if you need some time off and want a good laugh, feel free to reread this collection. Let this memorable movie and its funny quotes wash away your worries in life!

Have you watched National Lampoon’s Animal House before? Which scenes were the funniest for you? Comment below!

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