This Redditor thought their ugly past was behind them. However, he found out his wife wanted to see her affair partner one last time—at his funeral! Was he wrong to forbid her from going?
15 Years of Marriage
OP (Original Poster) has been married for 15 years but shared that he and his wife almost didn’t make it this far. OP was deployed in their second year of marriage, so his wife went home.
Her Affair Partner
During this time, OP’s wife cheated on him and slept with “some d***head,” whom OP called SD in this post.
He shared that his wife and SD were “loose acquaintances,” and they met while growing up.
Leading to the Affair
OP’s wife hadn’t seen SD in years, but he showed up at OP’s daughter’s birthday party because he was the son of one of OP’s mother-in-law’s old friends.
He wrote, “SD and my wife hooked up later that week after reconnecting.”
Sticking to the Marriage
OP didn’t divorce his wife. He didn’t “kick his wife’s a** to the curb” and eventually forgave her because she had the guts to come clean soon after OP got home from deployment.
No Excuses
He explained that his wife didn’t give the usual excuse, like, “Oh, well, you were gone,” or “I felt lonely.” Instead, she straight-up said she was a “f****** dumba**.”
OP’s wife also told him she “felt so sick and disgusting” for doing what she did.
Going No Contact
After their talk all those years ago, OP’s wife immediately cut off all contact with SD. As a couple, they went to counseling to heal, and though it took a long time, they still made it.
OP shared that his wife did all she could to prove that he “was right to keep her.”
In Actions and Words
OP clarified that he wasn’t saying his wife was his property. Instead, he wanted people in the community to know that his wife wasn’t all words; she made good on her promises, too.
He wrote, “She didn’t just say she’ll do better; she proved it with her actions and has made me a very happy man in our time together.”
His Passing
Then, on the day this story was posted, OP’s wife received a call from her mom. It turns out that she had heard from SD’s mother that SD died because of an accident that happened at work.
She also mentioned that the funeral service would take place the weekend this story was posted.
Painful Memories of the Past
OP’s wife told him about this and said she wanted to attend the funeral. For OP, though, it felt like he was “kicked right in the d***.”
He shared, “I instantly felt nauseous and had f****** horrible flashbacks of when she told me about her affair. All those horrible feelings resurfaced, along with the s***ty memories of me crying my f****** eyes out and my image of her shattering. The pain felt as fresh as when she dropped that bomb on me.”
Why Would You Do That?
OP asked his wife why she wanted to do something like that. After all, aside from cheating on him with SD, she also hadn’t talked to the guy in over a decade.
However, he said his wife kept “saying s***” like it was about her “paying her respects” and it was the “right thing to do.”
Re-Living the Pain
This issue brought back all the pain OP felt.
He shared, “I can’t stop repeating that I’m so hurt with that decision as he’s had no part of her life in so long, and I’m re-living all those s***ty nights I was sure our family would be shattered, and I would only see my daughter 50% of the time.”
Putting His Foot Down
OP thought about things long and hard but ultimately decided to put his foot down and tell his wife she couldn’t go.
He told her that her plans were so “disrespectful” to him and their marriage. After this, the couple had not spoken to each other.
Walking Away
Though he understood that his wife had a right to make this decision independently, he said it didn’t mean he had to support her choices.
He added, “At this point, I can see myself walking away if she insists on going.”
Redditors’ Two Cents
For Redditors, OP’s wife should reflect and consider how to proceed with the issue.
One said, “Not the a**hole. You are obviously distressed, and she should consider this. Also, excuse my atheism; this person is dead. His non-conscious, decaying body will not care who shows up.”
Another wrote, “You should ask her if the roles were reversed, how it would make her feel. Not the a**hole.”
She Could Do Something Else
Some users also suggested other ways that OP’s wife could check out, so she could “still do the right thing” while not undermining OP’s feelings.
A Redditor suggested, “She can send a card or some other condolences. Her presence is not required to ‘do the right thing.’” One woman said, “Besides, if all she’s concerned about is ‘doing the right thing,’ then by her own logic, she wouldn’t go. The right thing in this situation is to choose your partner’s needs over paying respects to a different person.”
How would you comfort OP? What should he do?
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This post first appeared as He Put His Foot Down and Forbade His Wife From Attending Her Affair Partner’s Funeral. She Wanted to Pay Her Respects, but He Believed It’s an Insult to Their Marriage! on Quote Ambition.
