He and his wife didn’t give their daughter her education fund because she didn’t attend graduate school. But their son didn’t either, so why was he given one and not her?
Preparing for Their Grandkids’ Future
OP (Original Poster), a 54-year-old man, and his 52-year-old wife have 2 children: a 23-year-old woman and a 21-year-old man. When their kids were young, OP’s parents set up education funds for both of them, which OP thought was generous.
Parents’ Dreams and Expectations
Like OP and his wife, he had always expected their kids to attend college and graduate school. OP has a PhD, while his wife has a master’s degree.
Because of this, they decided not to use the funds for their kids’ undergraduate degrees and didn’t even tell them about the allotted money.
A Choice Driven by the Arts
However, OP explained that his daughter has always been more into liberal arts, while his son is more interested in STEM. He and his wife worried about her ability to find a job, but despite that, she insisted on studying music and film in college.
OP wrote, “She was accepted to some top schools and chose to attend a rather expensive one, but she had scholarships to cover almost all her tuition. Everything else, plus living expenses, was her responsibility.”
Living Within Her Means
Even though his daughter lived in a tiny apartment with her friends in a “not-so-nice” area far from her college campus, she was fine and eventually learned how to budget effectively.
After graduating, she found a job that she enjoys though it doesn’t pay well. She also totally “scrapped” the idea of going to graduate school.
A Different Yet Similar Path
On the other hand, OP’s son decided to take engineering but also expressed his disinterest in graduate school. Although OP and his wife were disappointed, they just accepted it since, at that point, their son would already be set up with a great job by the time he graduated.
Fully Funded?
Because his son did not receive as many scholarships as his daughter, OP and his wife decided to use his son’s education fund to cover his tuition and living expenses.
OP wrote, “He was able to get a large and nice apartment of his own close to the school, which is important since his classes are so demanding and he needs a comfortable space to work.”
But What About Her?
With that, OP’s daughter was confused and asked how her brother could afford it, and that’s when he told her about the education fund. She immediately called OP and his wife and asked them why she didn’t have one, and they told her that she did and that they just didn’t use it as they were hopeful she would attend graduate school.
OP added, “She seemed hurt by this and asked if there was any way she could have the money now. We explained that there would be a fee to simply withdraw the money for non-education uses, and if we chose to do that, it would belong to her grandparents so they could put it toward their own use.”
A Distant Daughter
Since then, she’s been quiet and short when responding to her parents’ texts and hasn’t even answered their calls.
OP wrote, “I know that it seems unfair to her, but it’s not really her money in the first place, and she’s no longer in college. Plus, her brother only received it for educational purposes, and it wouldn’t be right for her just to have it to spend now. Am I the a**hole?”
A Heartbreaking Response
In an update, OP shared he thought about things and felt like he had acted like a jerk. So, he texted his daughter, asking if she wanted them to withdraw the money for her or if there was anything she desired.
She responded with, “I don’t care. Maybe they can transfer it to the other five-year-old grandkid if the fee is seriously too much. I don’t know about graduate school. I haven’t thought about it much recently. If I do apply, it wouldn’t be for another couple of years, and I hadn’t been counting on having any financial help in the first place, so it really doesn’t even matter. Thanks for asking, though.”
An Aloof Mother
After this, OP and his wife discussed their daughter’s reply and what their subsequent actions would be to resolve the matter. However, OP’s wife has always had a strained relationship with their 23-year-old and did not approve of many of her life choices.
So, she believes they should take their daughter’s words at face value and assume she is no longer interested in the money.
Other Possible Solutions
But given the responses that OP got when he first posted on Reddit, he fears that his daughter’s reply was out of resentment, so he suggested taking out an equal amount of money that his son was given so they would at least receive the same. That money can be used responsibly toward rent, groceries, transportation, and other things.
Maybe it could also be used in another way that could further his daughter’s career, so in a sense, it would still be for “educational” purposes. His wife is firm on her decision, but OP believes they should discuss things further.
Grandparents’ Decision
Unfortunately, OP’s parents are not mentally present enough to participate in the discussion, although they knew about OP’s and his wife’s graduate school stipulation and even thought it was okay. They were also aware of the fact that OP and his spouse took out some money for their son as soon as they were sure he was not going to pursue an advanced degree and were okay with that, too.
OP added, “They said it was our decision as parents what to do with our daughter’s fund, and they would support whatever we decided for her. It wouldn’t be useful to ask them what to do with it now, but I have always said that whatever is unused will go back to their care.”
Mend What Was Broken
OP tried to call his daughter, but she never answered, hence the text message. Despite the responses he’s received on his post, he sincerely hopes this matter will not be the end of their relationship with their one and only daughter.
Redditors’ Points of View
For members of the community, OP and his wife were undoubtedly dense and careless for not recognizing their mistakes and their daughter’s feelings.
The top commenter said, “You’re the a**hole, and I’m surprised between your PhD and master’s degree, you couldn’t figure that out.”
Another person added to the previous comment, saying, “Massive, you’re the a**hole. I feel for your daughter. It would be super hurtful to hear that your parents could have helped you but chose not to. You’re a PhD, for sure, but not the educational type.”
What’s It for Then?
People in the community also questioned OP and his wife about their plans for their daughter’s education fund if they wouldn’t use it for her.
A Redditor wrote, “So let me get this right: your daughter attended college and had a scholarship. Your son attended college with no scholarship. You chose not to let your daughter use her college fund for everything that her scholarship didn’t cover, and you let your son use his for everything. The college fund you said ‘wasn’t even her money’ isn’t yours either! What exactly do you plan to do with her college money? You’re the a**hole for this.”
Someone replied to the previous comment, saying, “Not to mention a college fund her grandparents set for her. He’s basically stealing her money. Major ‘you’re the a**hole.’”
Obviously Unfair
Others also said that OP and his wife’s actions and choices scream bad parenting and unfair treatment of their kids.
A commenter wrote, “You’re the a**hole. I assumed this would be the classic ‘My kid didn’t go to college and wants their college fund,’ but it isn’t even. Neither child went to graduate school, but you decided to give money to one but not the other, so it’s not even about graduate school as you pretended. You basically decided your daughter’s goals didn’t meet your approval, so you didn’t give her the money that had been set aside for her.”
Do you also think OP’s the a**hole for this? What would you have done if you were him?
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This post first appeared as He Refused to Give His Artistic Daughter Her Education Fund as Punishment for Not Attending Graduate School. Yet, His Engineer Son Received His When He Didn’t Go. Was He Unfair? on Quote Ambition.
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