He paid for his stepdaughter’s first wedding, but unexpectedly, she thanked her biological dad instead. Hurt, he refused to sponsor her second wedding!
In the Long Run
OP (Original Poster) is a 47-year-old man who met his 49-year-old wife when they were in their mid-20s. She was a single parent to a 4-year-old girl then, and now, OP has been in his 26-year-old stepdaughter’s life for 22 years.
His Stepdaughter’s Father
Their child’s biological father was not in the picture until she was about 13. He was an addict and had to get clean.
So, OP’s wife waited until he was sober for over a year before trusting him enough to meet his biological daughter.
A Mere Stepdad
After they met, OP’s stepdaughter grew distant from him, and they had to take some time to adjust the dynamics of their relationship through lots of family therapy sessions.
He wrote, “She adores her father. They both are charming, sporty, and outgoing people, while I am more of an introvert and bookish in my interests. We still had a great relationship, but I went from being her sole father figure to being her stepdad. It was hard, but I knew that she had every right to spend time with and bond with her father.”
Credits to the Wrong Dad
When his daughter was 21, after she graduated college, she got married. OP paid for most of the wedding, but during her best friend’s speech, she thanked her biological father for the wedding he didn’t even spend a lot of money on.
OP said, “I was a bit irked by that, but I chalked it up as a mistake. But my daughter went ahead and posted the same thing on social media.”
Inaccurate Intuition
OP’s wife was furious and wanted to confront their daughter about it, but OP has always disliked confrontation, so he advised her against it. After all, it wasn’t an expense they had to make huge sacrifices for.
Plus, what were the chances she would get married again, right? But in just a year, her marriage fell apart.
Unexpected Reveal
A week before OP shared this story, he and his wife were talking to their daughter through FaceTime, and she came out to them and introduced her fiancé. Despite their surprise, OP thinks that they handled it quite well.
He wrote, “We told her that we loved her and she loved her no matter what and that we hoped we could meet her fiancé after the pandemic.”
No Second Time
Then, a day before he turned to the online community, his daughter FaceTimed them again and asked for some money for the wedding. But they were still hurt and wounded by what happened during her last marriage, so they refused to pay for her second one.
Her Perception of Things
For a while, she was really quiet and then started to shout at her parents and accused them of being “h*********!” She was also furious at them for “not recognizing” what she had with her girlfriend was “real.”
After that, she started crying and ended the call. OP and his wife tried to call multiple times, but she rejected them.
Similar Struggles
OP clarified that he understood how difficult it is to come out since he is bis***** as well, and he only came out to his wife 10 years into their marriage.
He wrote, “I knew my parents were never going to accept me if I came out, even though we had a good relationship until they passed away. It gnawed at me that if I had fallen in love with a man, they would have disowned me. It is a corrosive feeling, and it makes you second-guess everything. I think she has similar worries about her father, who comes from a very religious background.”
More Than a Wedding’s Cost
OP feels he and his wife have “stepped on a landmine” when they refused to pay for their daughter’s second wedding. Because of everything that had happened, he fears that she will endlessly question if her parents support her because of a “petty grudge.”
The Community’s Two Cents
Redditors believe that OP and his wife should explain their reasons to their daughter and make her understand why they refused to pay for her second wedding.
“Not the a**hole. You and your wife should write her a message or letter telling her that you love her, that you’re happy for her, and that your decision not to fund the wedding has nothing to do with the gender of her fiancé. But explain that you paid for the last wedding and that your feelings were hurt by her actions. Let her have time to cool off,” the top commenter wrote.
Yes to the First, No to the Second
Many people pointed out that parents are not obligated to pay for their child’s second wedding. Paying for one wedding was already very generous of OP!
Someone said, “The father of the bride usually pays for only one wedding. Second weddings are paid for by the couple themselves. Plus, I wouldn’t blame you one bit after that disrespect. Her father can pay for it. She’s using her s***** orientation here as blackmail.”
Another one wrote, “Not the a**hole. You paid for her first wedding. You have no obligation to pay for a second. Why does she feel entitled to expect this?”
Genuine Advice
Some people suggested that everyone should have a conversation where they could be honest about their feelings. Even if OP hates confrontations, he will have to adjust for the sake of his relationship with his stepdaughter.
A Redditor commented, “Not the a**hole, but you need to have an honest conversation with her about the hurt you feel from the last wedding. You say you hate confrontation, but by not discussing this now, you are just setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. Your daughter will continue to create her own narrative because she doesn’t have the right information.”
The same person wrote, “I wouldn’t even speak about the second wedding right now. Don’t commit it to paying or not paying. Sort the root cause of the hurt first. If she insists on speaking about it, you could express that you are excited to get to know her fiancé first. You seem very lovely, and your wife seems very supportive, so good luck!”
Users Left Befuddled
Some people were confused, questioning how OP knew he wasn’t the one being thanked at the wedding. There were those who pointed out that there were a lot of missing details from OP’s main post.
A user asked, “What exactly do you mean when you say she and her bridesmaid thanked the wrong person for the wedding? Did she say ‘Thanks, Dad,’ which could have meant you? Or did she say ‘Thanks, John,’ when you’re Sam? Is it possible this really was a misunderstanding?”
Another person added, saying, “This was my thought. If she said ‘Dad’ or her friend said ‘Thanks to her dad,’ they could very easily have meant OP since likely a lot of people there would know OP as her dad.”
Should OP pay for his daughter’s second wedding? Do you have any opinions on this?
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This post first appeared as He Refused to Pay For His Bi Stepdaughter’s Second Wedding After She Credited Her Biological Father for the First One. Now She Says He’s a “Petty Homophobe!” Was He Wrong? on Quote Ambition.
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