Everyone in her family loved her niece, except her daughter, who says the baby’s not family. But being Black doesn’t mean they should abandon a White baby because color has nothing to do with it!
Once a Happy Family
OP (Original Poster) is a 47-year-old woman with a 50-year-old husband, and they have 3 children: their eldest is a 28-year-old woman, and the other two men are 26 and 24. All their kids live independently, and their two oldest are married and have families of their own.
OP and her husband have a good relationship with them; they talk regularly and are involved with their grandkids’ lives. She also noted that it’s important to mention that her family is Black.
Gone for Good
Three months before sharing this story, OP was informed that her White half-sister, whom she hadn’t had contact with in years, died. She was much younger than OP, and they were never close because she lived with her dad.
Sadly, their mother, who’s also White, died over a decade before this story was posted.
The Start of Motherhood—Again
OP’s half-sister had a one-year-old daughter named Jane, whose father is not in the picture. When her half-sister died, OP was the only living family willing to take the baby.
She said, “It was an easy decision but not an easy adjustment.”
The Only Problem
Fortunately, OP’s sons supported her decision and had no problem with it. However, her daughter was very indifferent and refused to even see her niece.
One weekend, OP’s daughter dropped her seven-year-old kid off at their house and was mad when, upon returning home, her child had one of OP’s niece’s White dolls.
She said it was “bad” for her seven-year-old daughter’s self-image to play with dolls that didn’t “resemble” her.
Why Does Color Matter?
OP tried to explain that the kids play with all different colors of dolls.
She wrote, “A one-year-old could not care less what shade her Barbies are. It all seemed baseless and out of nowhere, considering our granddaughter adores the baby and helping care for her and playing ‘mom’ for a bit. We still spend alone time with her, too, doing her favorite activities.”
Pointing Out Their Shortcomings
Eventually, everything turned into a bigger argument when OP’s daughter started ranting about how seeing OP and everyone in the family care for a “White child” made her granddaughter feel “jealous” and “less important.”
Apparently, it also hurts OP’s daughter to see them put so much time and effort into raising a “White baby” when OP and her husband “failed” their own kids a lot growing up. OP also couldn’t help but notice that her daughter brought up Jane’s race quite a bit in her arguments.
More Deserving of Love
With that, OP tried to ask her daughter what they did so wrong because, for her, they did their best to raise their three children well and provided them with everything they needed.
Then, the 28-year-old started crying, saying she felt “betrayed” and seeing them adore Jane. At the same time, she never received the kind of motherly love she craved, which in turn, is causing her pain now.
She’s Just a Baby!
So, OP told her that if she wanted to discuss what her childhood might have lacked, then she should leave an innocent child and her color out of it. From the beginning, OP’s daughter was already cold about them taking Jane in, and now, it has grown to anger and resentment.
OP wrote, “When I brought that up, she cut off the conversation immediately and refused to speak about it.”
Repercussions of the Argument
Several days flew by, and OP’s daughter contacted her, saying they were no longer allowed to see their granddaughter until they prioritized their “real family’s” needs and well-being. OP told her that Jane was family, and she became quiet again.
OP said, “I love Jane like she’s my own. My husband does as well. My sons see her as another niece. My daughter is the only one with any problem.”
What’s the Remedy for This?
Now, OP asks if she was wrong and wonders how to fix the situation without turning their family upside-down.
In a comment, OP shared that she absolutely has no idea what’s causing her daughter to suddenly feel that way, given that she had a “storybook” childhood, which wasn’t difficult. OP said that, if anything, they spoiled their kids too much.
She talked to her sons, and they were also confused. According to OP, they’re also not struggling at all, so their sister’s outburst seems very out of the blue.
People’s Suggestions and Pieces of Advice
Some people suggested OP and her family, including her daughter, take counseling to figure out where the issue stems from. However, they’re doubtful OP’s child will agree to it.
A Redditor wrote, “Not the a**hole. Your daughter is behaving beyond irrational. I suggest you offer to mediate this conflict in family counseling. I doubt she will take you up on it because she’s throwing a tantrum. She doesn’t actually want to resolve the conflict or face her issues; she wants to make noise and drama so people know she’s in pain. But if you make the offer, you’re the bigger person. Otherwise, let her be no contact until she can figure her s*** out.”
Another person added, “I agree. This needs mediation with a professional third party. There is obviously something the daughter wants to voice about her own childhood, something she’s projecting into the baby.”
Jane Is Family
OP’s daughter keeps pointing out that Jane is a stranger even though she’s a part of their family. So, it’s sad how she won’t stop even when she already knew she was wrong.
“Not the a**hole. You are taking care of your family. Maybe not as ‘immediate’ family as your daughter and granddaughter, but family nonetheless. The fact that your daughter won’t actually discuss the root of her issue indicates that she knows she’s wrong, or maybe there’s some context being left out, but that seems unlikely. I’d hold the position that you’d be eager to talk this over with her when she’s ready,” a commenter said.
A woman wrote, “Not the a**hole. How can your daughter not see that caring for a child who has lost her mother and has an absent father is much different than being a grandparent to a child who has her parents around caring for her? Race shouldn’t be an issue here, but your daughter is making it one in a situation that has nothing to do with it. Yes, it may hurt that your daughter is taking issue with this, but she needs a bop on the side of the head with a reality stick. You may need to let her go with her inappropriate removal of her child from your life for a while until she pulls her head out of her behind, starts to miss you, and becomes more reasonable about the situation.”
Redditors are glad that Jane is in OP’s care. However, it’s disappointing and upsetting that her daughter is being racist to an innocent child.
One person said, “Not the a**hole. That baby is so lucky to have you in her life now. Your daughter can’t seem to come up with any real reason why you were such failures as parents. This is just pure jealousy and a good dose of racism.”
Someone else agreed, saying, “I felt a lot of warmth from reading OP being such a decent human being, mixed with a sense of sadness that her daughter is so racist. Not only racist but to a little innocent child on top of that. The family needs to call out the daughter on this racism. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t from the way OP raised her.”
What can you say about OP’s situation? Do you have any advice for her?
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This post first appeared as She Adopted Her Late Half-Sister’s One-Year-Old, Refusing to Let Her Go Into the System. Her 28-Year-Old Daughter’s Jealous, Saying She Should Prioritize Her “Real Family” Instead of a “White Baby!” on Quote Ambition.