This mom turned to the community for advice after arguing with her daughter over her college fund. Should she just give in and allow her to use it however she wants to?
A Mom and Her Kids
OP (Original Poster) is a 43-year-old pregnant mom. She currently has four kids, with her eldest, El, being 22 years old.
Starting Early
She and her husband started adding to their kids’ college funds every month as soon as they found out they were pregnant with them.
OP wrote, “I won’t say the exact amount, but my husband has an excellent job, so it’s more than most.” The couple never told their kids about their college funds, as they deemed it unnecessary.
Changing Her Life Course
However, El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school. OP was “very disappointed,” but she understood.
El still didn’t know about her college fund at this point since she was only a high school student when she dropped out. OP also didn’t tell her, but she was “under the impression” that El would return to school later, but it turned out that she had no plans to.
A Growing Family
El’s baby’s dad “stuck around,” and they continued their relationship. He and El are now engaged and have another baby on the way.
However, they don’t plan on getting married until they can afford it.
It’s Been Hard Keeping Up
Initially, El and her fiancé had been doing well financially. However, they’ve been struggling due to the current market, especially since El couldn’t get a job.
She didn’t have a diploma, so there weren’t a lot of places that would accept her job application. Because of this, OP and her husband have been loaning them money.
Her Sister’s Different Route
Katie, OP’s second child, is 17 and just got accepted into college. They’ve been setting everything up for her, and she is now aware of the college fund.
A Panicked Mom
Then, one day, Katie and El were talking, and Katie was telling her sister about the school she would attend. El then asked her how she planned on paying for it, and Katie said, “My college fund.”
OP was in the room while this conversation was happening, and she started to panic. She wrote, “We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college.”
I Have Good News!
El turned to OP to ask her if she had one as well. OP wasn’t going to lie, so she told her she did.
When she heard what her mom said, El got excited and proceeded to call her fiancé to tell him the “good news.” But OP wrote, “I was confused and told her she couldn’t have the money. She asked why, and I said it was for school. She got upset and left my house.”
A Distraught Daughter
The next day, OP received a call from El. She was obviously distraught—crying and begging OP to let her have the funds so she could “finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding.”
OP, however, was standing firm in her decision. She told El that she could have the money if she went back to school; she could then use the money left over for whatever she wanted, be it a house or a wedding.
Whose Is It?
El got upset and furious at OP. She started yelling at her mom, saying it was “her” money.
Conversely, OP said it was “her” money, and going to school was her condition. El then hung up on her without another word.
Nosy Future In-Laws
After her argument with El, OP and her husband started getting harassed by her fiancé’s family.
OP shared, “They aren’t as fortunate as us, calling us a**holes and a lot of other names. Saying it’s all gonna go to waste if she doesn’t use it, we’re setting her up for failure, and more.”
Dad’s Point of View
At first, OP was fully confident in her decision. However, when her dad said that she should give the money to El because it was “saved for her after all,” OP started doubting herself.
She asked, “Am I the a**hole?”
A Compromise
In an edit, OP said that her daughter came over, and they were “able to work things out.” The two of them apologized to each other and had a long discussion about what would happen.
OP wrote, “She will be getting her GED and will be going to a trade school in exchange for me giving her whatever money is left over. She hasn’t decided which one yet, but it will probably be cosmetology. Her fiancé’s family has apologized. We also decided to pay for a small wedding ceremony and reception as a gift.”
The Community’s Pieces of Advice
Users noted that El made her choice, and she should remain firm and accept the consequences. Plus, she seemed content with her life before finding out about the money.
A top commenter wrote, “Not the a**hole. I’m going to be downvoted a million times but hear me out. You put money into a college fund for each kid. The whole purpose was to help with their education. It’s a generous fund, and not everyone is able to do that for one kid, let alone four, plus one on the way.”
The same woman added, “She made other choices, and that’s fine. Just because she was unaware of the college fund doesn’t mean she can collect it now after finding out. She was happy with her relationship until she found out, right?”
Finding a Middle Ground
Some also suggested OP and El find a middle ground. Going to college traditionally might not be feasible, but there are other options El could pursue.
“Find a middle ground. She can’t move forward in life without a GED. So set some conditions around that. Once she completes her GED, you will give her a certain percentage of the money. Once she completes an associate or certificate program, you will give her the remaining amount. She should also qualify for financial aid. OP, not the a**hole. But again, I think a compromise is the way to go,” said one Redditor.
Bad Choices
People then called El out for making bad decisions after bad decisions.
“The part that boggles me is they can’t afford to get married but can afford to have another kid,” said one user.
Another wrote, “She made a bad choice at 16, and she’s still making them. Not a good investment to turn her loose with that money if all she aspires to is the old barefoot and pregnant cliché. She’ll run through it and show back up with her hand out.”
What should OP do? Do you think getting a GED is El’s best option at this point?
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This post first appeared as She Forbade Her Daughter From Using Her College Fund on a House or Wedding After Dropping Out and Getting Pregnant. Now She’s Being Harassed and Guilt-Tripped Into Giving In! on Quote Ambition.
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