Before her dad died, she was given $5,000 to spend on her daughter’s education. After paying for a semester, she secretly used the rest of the money for her two sons’ private school!
Then There Was One and Three
OP (Original Poster) is a 47-year-old mother of 3: a 20-year-old daughter and two sons who are 18 and 19. Three years prior to sharing this story, her husband unexpectedly passed away, and their lives have been difficult ever since.
The Backbone of the Family
To make matters worse, OP’s husband passed away six months after they moved to a new European country, where they don’t even speak the language! Since then, her father has been financially supporting her and her kids.
He has paid for her children’s school fees and every activity that needed to be paid for.
Sadly, a month before OP posted on Reddit, her father passed away due to kidney failure. Now, she’s in the process of inheriting some of his money.
A Secret Intention
Half a year before her dad died, he gave OP $5,000 to pay for her daughter’s university as she was about to start her first year.
OP paid $1,800 for her daughter’s first semester, and she decided to spend the remaining $3,200 on her two sons’ private schooling. She noted that her father wasn’t aware that her sons were still behind in school, and she couldn’t even bear to tell him out of fear of humiliation and because she didn’t want him to be disappointed in her.
Out of Necessity
According to OP, her father valued education over anything and was a well-known teacher back in their country. So, if he found out that her sons dropped out of a public school he encouraged them to attend, he would’ve been disappointed in OP.
She added, “My father hates private schooling and wouldn’t have agreed to pay for their private school. My daughter’s tuition money was needed to pay for their school.”
Reaching an Agreement
Eventually, OP’s daughter found out that her mom had spent her tuition money on her siblings and became really upset with OP. So, OP promised her that she would figure things out and pay off the rest of her first year when the time came, and she was okay with that.
A Mother’s Broken Promise
However, due to her father’s passing during her daughter’s final term in the first semester, OP couldn’t come up with the money to pay for the second semester. The money that she’s set to inherit will also take a few months to come through.
Fairness Is Relative
OP’s daughter was extremely upset, and they had arguments where her 20-year-old called her “uncaring” and “selfish” and even screamed at her for spending her money. But in OP’s opinion, her daughter was being “selfish” for calling it “her money,” and that’s precisely what she told her.
She added, “Her brothers have a right to an education as well. I couldn’t leave them still behind in school, and I paid a lot of money to the school they’re in right now to help progress them quicker.”
Her Unacknowledged Hardships
Then OP’s daughter argued that she had to endure studying and spending her senior year in a public high school in a different language she didn’t speak or understand. She said that her brothers dropped out of that same high school because they couldn’t handle it and were “spoiled rotten,” which is why they are behind.
What It Meant to Be Considerate
She added that she didn’t demand to study in a private school out of respect for her family’s lack of money. Even now, she’s in a cheap university, taking a major she wouldn’t have picked.
Still, she had no choice because the university had only two departments in the English language. Given all this, OP’s daughter believed she wasn’t being selfish at all.
A Parent’s Stance
Even knowing her 20-year-old’s hardships, OP feels like her daughter is being really “ungrateful” because, in OP’s words, she “kept her daughter well-fed and put a roof over her head.” Now, she’s even speaking and screaming at OP “disrespectfully.”
Something to Think About
After thinking things through, OP felt quite bad for what had happened. Thankfully, her daughter’s university agreed to give her some time until OP finally receives her inheritance to pay; it’s “not a big deal” anymore.
OP wrote, “I feel like the a**hole because I should’ve thought it through and taken into account that my father might pass away unexpectedly, but how could I have known? She is not speaking to me right now and is convinced that I’m an a**hole.”
The One Thing She Got Right
In an update, OP recognized that she did some wrong here. So, OP said she would apologize to her daughter and make things up to her when she receives her inheritance.
She added, “I love my daughter dearly, and I will do better as a mother to provide for her. I accept my ‘you’re the a**hole’ verdict.”
What Redditors Have to Say
People said that OP didn’t only disrespect her father’s wish but also hurt her daughter. She owns the money, and it was wrong of her to use it without asking for permission.
The top commenter wrote, “You disrespected your father’s last wish. Legally, he could have ensured that the money went to the proper cause if he made a will, and your daughter could sue you possibly. You should take a hard look at your abilities—not wishful thinking—of how you can apologize and realistically remedy the situation.”
The same person said, “Your daughter seems to be hurt because she lost faith, trust, and money with you because you didn’t communicate with her what the situation was. I don’t believe she wants her brothers to not have the best possible chances in education, but you should have told her before taking her money. Think about this in the future. Ask first and look for a solution. Then you won’t have to ask questions like this here. Yes, you’re the a**hole.”
Not the Favorite
For others, it was evident that OP favored her sons more than her daughter. She made bad decisions that affected their whole family.
A Redditor said, “Yes, you’re the a**hole. You upended her life, you prioritized the well-being of her male siblings, and you spent her education fund. Part of this was due to you wanting to avoid feeling embarrassed about your sons not doing as well as your daughter in school. Caring for her basic needs is the bare minimum. Where is your concern for her future? For her happiness? She has endured your poor decisions with no complaints until it hit the point where she might have her future entirely taken away, with no time for her to plan around your decisions. You owe her an apology.”
Many people said that OP had no right to decide what happens to the money meant for her daughter’s education. Her having the nerve to think she was still right in the situation was really appalling.
“You’re the a**hole. It was the money for her education. That was the reason you got the money. It wasn’t your right to decide what to do with the money, and you didn’t even tell her until seemingly the last minute. Still, you feel you are the righteous one for your motives. Your motives do not count or make this right. We are judged by our actions. You took money that wasn’t yours, and you didn’t even stand up to it, so your daughter could’ve prepared for not having the semester paid for,” a user commented.
Would you do to your own kid what OP did to her daughter? What are your opinions on this?
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This post first appeared as She Secretly Spent Almost Every Cent of Her Daughter’s College Fund for Her Sons’ Private Schooling. Now, She’s Being Given the Silent Treatment and Called an “Uncaring and Selfish Jerk!” on Quote Ambition.