This Redditor is sick of his brother treating his fiancé like she was someone who was only using him for money. He crossed a line and didn’t deserve to be at his wedding!
OP (Original Poster) is a 29-year-old with an older brother, Mark. As far back as OP could remember, he was a “solid brother” who did all he could to look out for him.
However, he noticed that years later, he still treated him like a kid.
Forcing His Views
Since his brother was the “better-looking, more attractive” one, he would be hard on OP whenever he didn’t have a girlfriend. He’d tell OP he needed to go to the gym and not dress “like a dad.”
He and his brother used to be really close, but everything changed when OP moved away to attend medical school. They’ve grown apart because of OP’s busyness and how expensive the flight was to visit home.
Opinionated Brother and Sister-In-Law
After OP finished his residency, he moved back, closer to his family and friends, where he met his fiancé—a 36-year-old with three children. He wrote, “I don’t know about all of the relationships; she doesn’t like to talk much about it, and only one of the dads is still somewhat involved.”
Her fiancé’s children are all from Black partners, and this was something OP added in the comments section since it was a necessary piece of information.
When OP’s brother met her, he and his wife were “gently” trying to get them to break up. Mark and his wife would say things like, “Oh, you guys don’t seem compatible. She is older and has a family already; you should find someone more compatible.”
However, OP wouldn’t have it. He would push back and say they didn’t know anything about their dynamic and, therefore, had no right to comment on it.
Changing Their Minds
OP did all he could so that Mark and his wife would see his fiancé as a “whole person.” He said, “Initially, they were nice and were like we have our reservations, but okay if it makes you happy.”
Sadly, nothing worked, and he would soon find out how bad things were.
One Drunken Night
One night, OP’s brother was at their family’s house and was really drunk. He started saying that his fiancé was only with him for money.
Mark said he was just being used as a “paycheck,” and when they have kids, OP shouldn’t be surprised if they “come out with a tan.”
During this time, OP’s fiancé was only his girlfriend. Thankfully, she wasn’t present when he was spouting all this nonsense.
No End in Sight
OP was livid, and he just wanted his brother to stop. However, he was so drunk that he kept pressing on with all his insensitive comments!
No Invitation for You!
Now that they’re engaged, OP decided not to give his brother an invitation to his wedding.
He said, “I don’t want to deal with him making ignorant comments.”
Does He Deserve Forgiveness?
OP’s family is pressuring him to forgive Mark. While his fiancé said she doesn’t want him to come, she said she’ll understand if OP invites him.
Some Lines Shouldn’t Be Crossed
With the pressure from his family, OP’s feeling lost. He understands that his brother was drunk, but even so, for him, Mark still “really crossed a line.”
There Will Never Be a “Last Time”
OP can’t find it in himself to forgive his brother’s drunken mistake because even if he was intoxicated, he knows what he said was rooted in something he truly felt.
He wrote, “I could see myself being wrong here if it was the only time my brother made a comment like this, but this wasn’t, and I don’t think it will be his last time either.”
The Community’s Take on the Matter
Redditors advised OP to stand his ground. His fiancé obviously doesn’t want Mark to be at their wedding, and OP should be brave enough to set some clear boundaries.
A top commenter said, “Did he try to actually apologize and make amends, or do they just want you to keep the peace? She doesn’t want him there, for good reason, and if you invite him, she will suck it up for your sake, but she’d rather not. And f***’* sake, man, don’t make her do that—even you don’t want him there, and you know it. Being drunk did not make him feel this way; it only took away his filter. Not the a**hole, but you will be one if you force your wife to be anxious and stressed for the whole wedding because he’s there.”
A woman then pointed out, “I think the family is missing the point that the brother’s racist whether he’s drunk or not. He just lacks the necessary filter when drunk. OP, don’t invite him. It took my husband years to defend me from his toxic parents, and it’s a wound that will likely never heal. Don’t start your marriage off this way. Not the a**hole.”
He Might Have a Point
However, some users are tempted to side with his brother, saying OP might need to get to know his fiancé more.
One commented, “Multiple children with multiple partners—race isn’t relevant—older than you, and you’re a newly minted doctor? Are their fathers in the children’s lives and/or paying child support? Was this a very quick-moving relationship? Excepting the racism, I’m tempted to say your brother might have a point. You’re not going to get an impartial response from this sub either, though, because I’m pretty sure that its demographic is overrepresented in mothers, single mothers, etc. Even the commenters here who might actually agree with your brother’s assessment might tell you otherwise to help and protect the single mother that you’ll be financially supporting. No judgment; it’s your life.”
“Dude, these are some serious red flags. Have you done any pre-marriage counseling? What kind of conversations have you had about finances? Why are you, at 29, marrying a 7-year older woman with 3 kids? Like, what do you get out of the stepkids? Do you not want any of your own? Do the stepkids even like you? She had kids with at least two different men, but were they even married? This is seriously red flag behavior,” said one man.
With OP’s responses in the comments, more and more people feel like OP’s brother’s words were rooted in some logical and legitimate concerns.
One Redditor wrote, “I don’t want to be that person, but your brother has some legitimate concerns. You don’t even have a solid relationship behind you. This woman has three kids with three different partners. You’re really not compatible. And she had kids in her early 20s. You’re in your 30s and still without kids. Sorry, but your brother’s onto something. You’re being used, and you’re there to be taken advantage of. My advice: pretend you have some serious money problems and that you won’t be able to pay for her kids’ needs, and see how quickly she disappears from your life. Sorry, but I know I’m right.”
Another person said, “These are details you should discuss before getting married since they’ll concern you as well. These are living, breathing children potentially seriously affected by your decisions. Do you get along with her kids? Do they want you to take over the role of father? Do you want that as well? Is there consent for that from the actual fathers? Do they pay child support? Will that end when you get married, and can you carry the cost of living without it? Is your fiancé working, or will she after marriage? Your brother seems like an a**hole, but you seem not to have cleared all necessary hurdles before getting married.”
Do you think OP’s brother has a point? Should OP take a step back and reassess his relationship?
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This post first appeared as He Banned His Brother From His Wedding After He Insinuated That His Fiancé Only Sees Him as a “Paycheck” and Insulted Her Kids by Making Racist Comments. Was He Wrong? on Quote Ambition.