This Redditor was expecting a hefty cash gift from his mom for his wedding. So, when he discovered he wouldn’t get any, he immediately banned her!
When OP (Original Poster) posted his story on Reddit, he mentioned that though he understood that the community believes that “nobody owes anyone anything,” he felt that “a mom does owe her kids fair treatment.”
This is the root of all of OP’s issues.
To add some background, OP mentioned that he was lucky his parents paid for his education, including his master’s. He shared that his mom seemed to think it was the norm to do so.
However, he understood how fortunate he was, as he knew other parents couldn’t do it for their kids.
Not the Same for Her
Unfortunately, his fiancé, who he referred to as the “love of his life,” wasn’t as lucky as him. She didn’t have the opportunity to study without financial hardships, so she had to take out some loans.
Because of this, OP’s fiancé currently had around $80,000 in student loans. “She’s working her a** off to pay them back,” said OP.
However, because she’s in debt, OP’s dad thought he shouldn’t marry her until she’s been able to pay them off. OP, in turn, made it “very clear” that their marriage was not up for discussion.
His Mom’s Feelings
OP’s mom wasn’t that supportive of their relationship either. He believed he was lucky that his mom wasn’t like others who actively tried to break up couples, but he knew she wasn’t a “huge fan” of his fiancé.
He said, “There was one incident between them, but beyond that, the relationship has been mutually civil.”
Tying the Knot
OP was getting married in May, the year this story was posted. He was also lucky enough to have his dad pay for his wedding in full, as he did when one of his sisters got married.
He mentioned that his mom gifted his sister a “cash gift,” and though he didn’t want to be specific, he said that it was “extremely generous” and would “probably be more than the downpayment of a house.”
His other sister was getting married in September, the same year he was, and he found out his mom promised her the same amount.
His sisters were getting a lot of money from their mom, but OP discovered he wouldn’t get anything.
He said, “I was p***** because I believed at the time she was doing it because she dislikes my fiancé.”
There Will Be Consequences!
OP threatened his mom by saying that if she excluded his fiancé or “be hurtful” because she didn’t like her, “there would be consequences.” However, his mom assured him that her decisions weren’t made because she didn’t like his fiancé per se; the issue was her student loans.
He wrote, “My mom explained that both of my brothers-in-law have no debt, so the money was to start a future, but she knows if she gives me the money, it will go to the loan—true—and she feels she shouldn’t be responsible for someone’s else’s kids’ college education.”
In My Best Interest
Then, OP tried to argue and say that “paying down that debt ASAP is in the best interest of his future.” His mom admitted that she thought about it and even asked her husband, OP’s stepdad, what she should do.
He explained that his stepdad also had kids from his former marriage, and they kept most money separate for estate planning, inheritances, and more for their kids, so he doesn’t have any “vested interest.” However, OP explained that his stepdad “hates” him, so it wasn’t surprising that he told OP’s mom not to give him a cash gift.
Don’t Punish Me
OP’s mom said she “feels bad” but will remain firm in her decision, and OP shouldn’t “punish” her because of a gift.
He wrote, “I didn’t say much at the time, but I thought long and hard and decided I don’t want her at the wedding.”
You Have No Right to Be There
He was furious at his mom and ultimately decided to uninvite her. He texted her his decision, but she never replied.
OP said, “She doesn’t like my fiancé. She doesn’t care about my future as much as my sisters. She is playing favorites with her kids.”
Against His Decision
Now, OP’s family is mad and disappointed in him because of his decisions. His sisters said they weren’t coming to his wedding, and his dad demanded he reinvite his mom.
On the other hand, OP’s fiancé seemed to think what he did was right. He said, “My fiancé actually teared up because she feels so supported, and this does hurt, but that has to be my priority.”
The Community’s Take on the Matter
For most Redditors, OP was in the wrong here.
A top commenter explained, “You’re the a**hole. You can invite or disinvite whoever you like for whatever arbitrary reason you chose, but do so knowing that, in this case, you have no real argument against everyone thinking you’re wrong. Yes, paying off the loans is an investment in your future, too. But think of it this way. If your sisters’ marriages collapse, they get a ‘refund’ on that investment—part of a house or equivalent value, even if it’s in joint names—with which they can comfortably recover and start again. What do you get back from the loan repayment if you and your soon-to-be wife split up?”
The woman continued and said, “There’s a lot of logic in what she’s thinking, none of which is based on liking or disliking your fiancé or playing favorites. Maybe she even intended to hold the gift in trust, in effect, until you cleared under you—or the unthinkable scenarios came about—so you could benefit in the same way without the added risks. Assuming immediately that it’s punitive is overreacting, and I’m sure your assumption and bias have colored how your fiancé reacted because you seem determined to make every innocuous decision into an attack on her.”
Another Point of View
Although most are against OP’s decision, some say his mom was shortsighted.
This Redditor shared, “She’s also ignoring the fact that if she gave OP the money, then they and their partner would be able to allocate money to other things—potentially things like housing! It’s so shortsighted. It’s really frustrating that OP is getting labeled in the wrong here.” Another said, “As the OP said, it is about the money, but it’s not really about the money; it’s the fact that she deliberately didn’t give it to them because she trusts them less than his sisters.”
Everyone Did Something Wrong!
Other Redditors noted that everyone did some wrong in this story,
“I still think this is a pretty clear ‘everyone sucks situation.’ Sure, it’s the mom’s money, and she can do what she wants with it, but this is clearly biased treatment of her kids. If the cash gift amount is as large as OP is saying, that is a pretty substantial gift to give to all her kids except one. And it does feel like a bulls*** reason to say, ‘Well, I’m not giving it to you because I don’t agree with how you are going to use this gift I give you.’ Feels like she is trying to attach some strings to it even if she were to give it to OP, which is almost always an a**hole move. OP is the a**hole because their parents have clearly already invested significant amounts of money into their life and has given them a great starting point compared to the majority of other people in the world. OP having school completely paid for, and his dad paying for the entire wedding, I mean, yeah, it sucks that mom is being an a**hole about this, and it isn’t fair, but I am quite a bit less sympathetic towards someone born with the silver spoon in their mouth crying about not milking even more money from mom and dad.”
Was OP too much? What should he have done instead?
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