Ever since becoming parents, his wife wanted everything on her own terms: his work, house duties, and how much time he could spend with their baby. It’s no wonder he divorced her!
A Long-Standing Relationship
OP (Original Poster), a 30-year-old man, married his wife of the same age, 5 years before he posted his story on Reddit. They’ve been together for a long time and are high school sweethearts!
Soulmates Indeed
According to OP, he loved how intelligent, ambitious, and driven his wife was. Academics and “nerd stuff” were their common ground, and they bonded over those.
They both got good jobs in the same city when they graduated college.
New to Parenthood
Then, after three years of marriage, OP and his wife had their baby. They decided to send their child to daycare after six months so his wife could return to work.
Change of Plans
However, when the six months were up, OP’s wife refused to go to work or proceed with the daycare plan. She argued that if OP picked up more work, they could afford a single-income household and that her being a stay-at-home parent would save them money.
She added that it would be better for their child as well.
His Clear Disagreement
But OP refused the idea; for him, daycare is normal. If it were only him working, he would have increased work hours, be exhausted, and lose time he could use to spend time with his child.
He added, “I said if she was scared about daycare, we can work in different shifts to stay home with our baby. Like tag team.”
Reaching an Impasse
Then, again, she refused his suggestion, saying that doesn’t work for her. As a mother, she needed to “be with her baby all the time.”
Naturally, their disagreement caused a massive fight between them.
One-Track Mind
After that, OP’s wife quit her job and took care of their baby during his work hours. However, she wanted him to cook dinner on weekdays and clean and take care of their baby on weekends because, in her words, “stay-at-home mom deserves breaks, too.”
OP wrote, “This dynamic really made me resent her. I tried communicating many times. The load of bills and insane work hours, along with not being able to enjoy time with my baby, all deeply upset me.”
Irreparable Marriage
Eventually, when OP was sure his wife would never listen to him, he filed for divorce.
The court gave 50/50 custody, with no alimony or child support. OP could do this since he proved that it was his wife’s decision to stay at home; additionally, he proved that he never agreed with his wife’s decision, and her career break only lasted a year.
The Aftermath of the Divorce
Afterward, OP moved back in with his parents, who also had a room for his baby. On the other hand, his ex-wife struggled, living paycheck to paycheck.
OP wrote, “My baby stays with my mom when I work. My mom offered my ex the same, but she was so mad at me that she refused and enrolled our baby in a daycare. I refused to pay for it since she can just leave our kid with my mom.”
A Fitting Accusation?
Now, OP’s ex-wife and her friends call him an “a**hole” for divorcing her over being a stay-at-home mother and not a provider. But is he, really?
No Speck of Equality
In an update, OP clarified that his marriage was based on equality and that he never wanted to be the sole breadwinner of his family. He also agreed that a mom staying at home is the best thing to do—only if the couple could afford it, which they were not able to.
OP answered, “I was clearly saying we could not. Daycare expenses would have been 30% of my wife’s salary and 15% of our joint income. I was not even demanding daycare. I offered my mom’s help, part-time, different shifts, etc. Anything that would enable me to have quality time with my child, too. She refused that, turning me into an ATM and domestic help.”
Tipped Scales in Her Favor
OP also doesn’t think his wife needs more time to adjust to things. For him, the year he gave her was already more than enough.
He said, “Each phase of childhood only stays for a little while. I missed over a year of my child’s life, big moments, smiles, and phases due to this arrangement. My wife did not care or sympathize. It was my ‘duty’ to provide for her and her ‘right’ to stay home with our child.”
Overworked, Unappreciated, and Unhappy
Furthermore, OP was also responsible for himself: his food, washing dishes, cooking dinner, and daily cleanups. On his only day off, the only day he could spend with his child, he had to clean the house, cook all the meals, prepare meals for the week, do laundry, mow the lawn, and more.
He said, “I only got time with the baby for about six hours. Max 12 hours every week. I was working over 80 hours a week at the office and another 28 hours doing housework. What she did was take care of our baby. I am not dissing her for that, just that I wanted time with our child, too. When I realized she would not listen to me at all, and I did not want to miss years of my child’s life, I filed for divorce.”
The Best That It Could Ever Be
OP also noted that his new arrangement with his parents was the best change he could ever make. His parents love his child dearly, and since he is their only child, his baby is their only grandchild.
OP added, “To those who say I am hurting my child by bringing in unknowns, my child is having a great time being pampered by my mom and loves the time spent with me. To people who are asking what I won? Time with my child. Memories with my child. A relationship with my child rather than being an ATM.”
Unreciprocated Love
Lastly, OP clarified that he loved his wife dearly, but everything changed the moment he realized she didn’t love him. According to OP, she only cared about what she needed and wanted and treated him like a “money-making machine” and a “slave.”
He said, “But it was not a relationship I wanted to continue with. She took away my time with my child, and that is not something I can forgive easily. I would rather be a present dad with my child.”
Insights From Redditors
For Redditors, if only his wife weren’t so self-absorbed and just listened to him, they would still be together, maybe as a happy family.
The top commenter wrote, “Not the a**hole. If she would have had a conversation that took your feelings into account, you would still be married, and the baby would’ve been in daycare. Now, she has to work regardless, and the baby is still in daycare. This is one of those f*** around and find out scenarios. The court’s decided custody and no child support, not you. Her decisions put her where she is right now, and that has nothing to do with you.”
The same person wrote, “Enjoy being able to spend more time with your kid. Congratulations as well on only having to financially support one person. Now you can have breathing room and enjoy time with your baby.”
Incredibly Unfair to Him
Based on what people read, OP’s wife wasn’t open to communicating and compromising. Aside from that, she treated OP like a worker in their house instead of a father to her child and her husband.
A Redditor wrote, “Everyone needs to be on the same page once children are involved, and you clearly were not. You’re not the a**hole for not wanting to be the breadwinner, cook, cleaner, and weekend nanny—obviously not. Where was there supposed to be time in that for your well-deserved break? I’m sorry for your child that this ended in divorce, but you tried to communicate your desires many times. Good luck to you.”
After years of being together, why would OP’s ex-wife treat him that way? Do you think he made a mistake when he divorced her?
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This post first appeared as He Divorced His Wife for Choosing to Be a Stay-At-Home Mom, Treating Him Like a “Slave,” and Limiting His Time With Their Baby. He’s Just Tired of Being Her “ATM!” on Quote Ambition.
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