This Redditor’s brother and sister-in-law want to have children and need money for IVF, but he doesn’t want to help. Was he a jerk for refusing to donate money for it?
Trouble Having Children
OP’s (Original Poster) brother and sister-in-law want to have children, but there’s a serious problem. Due to cysts in her ovaries, Nora, OP’s sister-in-law, had to have her ovaries removed when she was a teenager.
Medical Intervention
However, thanks to modern medicine, there is an option that can help them. They have been looking into an IVF procedure, but like all medical procedures, it’s expensive.
Since they’re in their early 30s, the couple has been rushing into things, saying it’s “urgent” and they need to try “sooner than ever” because they are approaching an age where the success rate for IVF starts to decline.
The Cost of Having Kids
The procedure, however, wasn’t that easy, especially because of Nora’s past medical issues. In fact, OP has been told that Nora would “need extra care” and her round of treatments will be “especially” expensive.
The couple has $9,000 saved up, but it’s nowhere near enough. After all, Reid and Nora were quoted with a whopping $27,000!
No Success Guarantee
On top of the incredible cost, there’s a good chance the procedure won’t work. Still, the would-be parents are desperate because they are getting closer and closer to the age limit for IVF.
Family Coming Together
Knowing how desperate they are and how expensive the procedure is, the family is pitching in to help.
As OP says, “They’ve raised $1,000 from friends. The rest of the family is pitching in smaller amounts as well. My mother is giving $2,000, Nora’s sister, Lauren, is giving $1,000, and her parents are giving $4,000. Which leaves about $10,000 left.”
Asking For Help
Insurance wasn’t an option since they “don’t consider it a medically necessary procedure.”
So, now that the couple has exhausted all their friends and family, they are asking OP. They can’t take a loan for the procedure because their credit isn’t very good.
A Firm Refusal
Reid and Nora are asking OP to help since, according to the loan advisor, he could take out the loan on their behalf.
Despite being able to help, OP doesn’t want to take out a loan for $10,000. He wrote, “When I questioned why they didn’t ask Lauren, they claimed they couldn’t because she isn’t single and childless like I am. They see it as me not having any dependents.”
The Financial Burden
However, with everything considered, OP thinks $10,000 is a “huge ask.” Apart from this, the fact that Nora and Reid had poor credit meant they didn’t have a good track record of paying off debts.
He added, “It takes a long time to correct a bad credit score, and it makes things much more difficult. And, harsh as it is to say, I don’t want to take out thousands of dollars in a loan for a procedure that has a good chance of not even working.”
Not My Responsibility
So, considering everything, OP told them that he wouldn’t be giving them the $10,000, nor would he take out a loan on their behalf. OP also told them their future children are “not his responsibility.”
He added, “I also wanted to put my foot down now. Because next it’s gonna be private school tuition or a college fund, and that shouldn’t be my responsibility just because I am currently single and childless.”
Close-Minded or Understanding?
Out of the two, only Nora seemed to understand OP’s predicament. She told OP that she was disappointed but respected her choice.
On the other hand, Reid was furious. OP said, “He told me that he would remember this for when I am ever in a time of need so that I will know how it feels to have family turn their back on me.”
Family’s Response
The rest of OP’s family members aren’t angry but more disappointed in his decision. For them, Nora worried, for years, that she would never be able to have kids or be a mother.
So, they told OP that Reid and Nora would be excellent parents and that it was unfair that they couldn’t conceive naturally.
His Own Worries
Though he agrees that what his brother and Nora are facing is unfair, he still stands by his decision. To him, their children will never be his responsibility.
He said, “I don’t think it’s fair that I should delay or give up the possibility of starting my own family in order to finance Reid and Nora’s.”
What Redditors Think
Redditors rushed to the comments section to share a piece of their minds.
One user said, “Not the a**hole. I understand that their desire for children is intense and that they are desperate, but your being childless is irrelevant. You have the right to say no without being made to feel guilty about it, especially given that there’s a high chance you’ll never get the money paid back. Everything they earn in the future will go to the kids, should the IVF be successful, so yeah, you’re right that you’ll just be asked for more help down the road. It’s a shame the family is expressing disappointment at you. If they want to help, they can take a huge loan in their own names.”
“You’re not the a**hole. That loan will become your donation. They will never pay it back. Their credit is already bad because they don’t pay back loans when they should—if they even do. If they have a child, they will be even more strapped for cash, and a loan that you’re backing will be their lowest priority,” said another.
Additional Concerns
One commenter brought up another concern that OP hadn’t thought of.
This user said, “I am confused. If Nora had her ovaries removed, then IVF is not an option for her. Are they talking about using donor eggs? If so, there is still a ‘timeline’ where success is more likely, but it is not as narrow as with IVF.”
Never Guaranteed
Then, others pointed out that OP was right to be concerned about the amount of money he was shelling out versus the procedure’s success rate.
One woman wrote, “Not the a**hole, and here’s the main reason why: I’ve had three unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and we’re about to do the fourth. There is no guarantee one round is going to do it. The average is three. I’m assuming they’re doing donor eggs, but just because you pay $27,000 for embryos doesn’t mean they will stick. Realistically, they are not in the right financial place for this. It’s just the truth, even though they may not want to hear it. The fact that they are so far away from being able to afford round one means they need to save more. I get it; they want kids. But I’m in my early 40s, and we’re finally financially where we were able to do three rounds of IVF in a year.”
The same woman added, “Early 30s is actually young in the IVF world, especially if they’re using donor eggs. Since she has no ovaries, they must be. In this case, they’re being disingenuous about the science, or they are uninformed. If they aren’t her eggs, she can have kids at 45. It’s the age of the egg donor that matters, not her age. They need to sit back and get their financial situation in order for five years. They are not ready to embark on this journey. They do not need your $10,000 right now.”
Do you think that OP is in the right? Should the fact that he has no children and is single make a difference in whether he gives financial assistance?
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This post first appeared as He Refused to Gift $10,000 Toward His Sister-In-Law’s IVF, Saying Her Future Child’s “Not His Responsibility.” but His Brother’s Furious, Threatening to Show Him the Same Selfishness in the Future! on Quote Ambition.
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