This Redditor didn’t want to be responsible for his dying dad’s home care. But no matter how many times he refused, his mom wouldn’t take no for an answer!
Life-Sucking Illness
OP’s (Original Poster) dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer two years before this story was posted. Thankfully, they got a lot of time to spend with him since it progressed slowly.
Nearing the End
However, it’s become clear that they were already nearing the final stages of his dad’s life.
Conversations on Responsibility
He mentioned that he and his mom originally planned to send his dad to a care facility or one of their homes. But in the earlier stage of his dad’s illness, his mom decided on the care facility because of their 24/7 care and assistance.
Turned Away
Sadly, now that his dad was on a feeding tube and was entirely dependent on others, they would no longer accept him.
OP wrote, “We’ve learned a lot about how messed up long-term care is through this experience.”
The Next Step
Left with no choice, OP’s mom now wants his dad to stay in his house rather than hers. She said she’d just come over to help him care for him.
Hitting a Roadblock
This was where things got a bit tricky. OP explained that his wife was currently pregnant with their first child, adding a lot of stress as it is.
Sole Responsibility
Aside from the stress from the pregnancy, OP can’t help but think that his mom wants him to be his dad’s new 24/7 caregiver. Yes, he initially agreed to have his dad stay with him, but that was when he wasn’t 100% dependent.
He explained, “When we first talked about him being home, he was still relatively healthy. He could eat on his own, still talked, and could move around a bit.”
I Have a Hunch!
For OP, it wasn’t blind speculation. In fact, his mom had already alluded to this.
She’d say things like, “You can take breaks in the day to help me; I’ll feel better that he’s in a house with able-bodied adults,” and more. OP said that though he and his wife work full-time at home, they are “indeed still working.”
Harrowing Fear
But most of all, OP doesn’t like the possibility of his dad passing away at his home—no matter how awful it made him feel to think about it.
Forever Home
He explained that he and his wife had just moved to their house, intending to raise their family there.
He said, “If he passed here, there’s no doubt we’d be packing up and having to sell the house.”
Not an Option
Since he and his wife closed the deal on the house when it was still relatively affordable, he was sure they wouldn’t find a similar place they could afford in the same area.
OP also said, “I don’t want my wife to give birth and have to be packing up and uprooting our family just as it begins.”
The Better Option
OP’s mom lived just five minutes away, and he said his dad could easily be set up there. He also noted that they were close enough to help at a moment’s notice.
However, his mom disagrees, saying she was “scared” that she couldn’t handle an emergency alone.
Her Insistence
In turn, OP can’t help but feel like his mom’s “pushing” him into their house because it was “easier” for her.
He said, “I’m debating whether I give her a firm refusal, but can’t help feeling like that will make me an a**hole. Of course, I love both my parents, but this could potentially be devastating and ruinous to my newly settled family.”
The Community’s Pieces of Advice
Most Redditors think OP’s right to feel that his mom wants to give him all the responsibility. Though it could be tough, he shouldn’t allow his mom to bully him into agreeing.
One Redditor said, “Jesus, dude, this is a brutal situation, and I feel for you. But your mom’s argument doesn’t make any sense. If she’s only five minutes away, then she can call you, and you can come over and help, but her first call would be an ambulance anyways in an emergency, so I’m not really seeing her reasoning.”
The same person added, “I know this is just two paragraphs, and I could be reading too much into this, but I reckon your mom wouldn’t visit nearly as often as she says she would if your dad was living with you. It sounds like she just wants to shirk most of the responsibility onto your shoulders, and that’s not fair to your wife or future kid. You’ve got a life of your own to think of. Not the a**hole; your mom just might be, though.”
Remind Her of Her Vows
People then called OP’s mom out for not staying faithful to her vows when she married OP’s dad.
“I may get downvoted for this, but this was exactly my take, and the vows of ‘in sickness and in health’ make him ultimately her responsibility. OP has their own family to think of and is there very close by to help. OP’s mother is going to have to accept he needs to be at her home, and I’d say he’d rather pass there. I am sorry a home won’t take him, OP; that’s awful. Not the a**hole,” wrote one user.
Do you think OP needs to step up, or should his mom take more responsibility? Do you have any advice for him?
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This post first appeared as He Refused to Take In His Terminally Ill Dad, Fearing His Mom Would Rely on Him and His Pregnant Wife as His 24/7 Caregiver. Now She’s Guilt-Tripping Him Into Agreeing! on Quote Ambition.
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