A man and his husband wanted to have a kid, so they chose surrogacy. Everything was fine until eight months in when the surrogate and biological mother decided she wanted to keep the baby!
OP (Original Poster) is a 33-year-old man who found himself in a “difficult situation” with his 25-year-old surrogate, Maria.
For some context, OP explained that he and his 37-year-old husband, Roman, decided to go with surrogacy to have a child. He said, “We had a legal agreement in place, and Maria was compensated generously for her part in carrying our baby.”
Everything was going smoothly, and the couple was excited about the arrival of their child. However, after eight months of Maria carrying their baby, she dropped a huge bomb on OP and Roman.
OP wrote, “She declared that she no longer wanted to go through with the surrogacy and expressed her desire to keep the child.”
A Serious Question
OP said that his husband, Roman, flew into a rage when he heard what Maria said. OP calmed him down and removed him from the situation so he and Maria could have a one-on-one conversation.
OP reminded her that she had signed the contract and that the child was, without any question, their baby, not hers.
In California, traditional surrogacy is allowed. Since the three parties involved had a pre-birth agreement, this meant that OP and his husband would have to give up their rights to the child before Maria could keep the baby, which they weren’t going to do.
A Heartfelt Plea
Maria pleaded with OP, but he stood his ground, asserting that the child she was carrying was his baby. Then, she tried to bargain, saying she no longer wanted the money—only the baby.
OP was firm in his rejection of her request, and he reminded her that no one had coerced her into signing the papers that made the child legally theirs, whether she liked it or not.
To add more weight to the situation, OP reminded Maria that they had already paid her a lot of money and invested a lot in the baby. If she wanted out of the contract, she would have to reimburse them, which was something she wasn’t in a position to do, and OP knew it.
Driving the Point Home
OP then suggested that Maria talk to their lawyers if she had any concerns or questions. As far as OP and his husband were concerned, they had settled the matter, and the child was theirs, no matter how she felt about the situation.
A Heartless Couple
After the conversation, Maria called OP and his husband “cruel” and even involved her family in supporting her case. Roman supported OP and his stance on the matter, but some of their friends said they were “a**holes,” so OP wanted to know what Reddit thought.
A Legal Point
Maria currently has not pursued legal action at all.
He said, “The baby is mine and my husband’s. There hasn’t been a pursuit of legal action; she can now only talk through my lawyers.”
Redditors’ Two Cents
As you can imagine, this situation split the community quite a bit. A lot of Redditors were very uncomfortable with the concept of traditional surrogacy, where the biological mom was also the surrogate.
One comment was, “Unfortunately, this is why doctors will not allow the egg donor and surrogate to be the same person. Who advised you to proceed in this manner? Due to her being the biological mother, your contract is potentially void. I would consider consulting with a family law attorney so your husband can plan to file for custody. In the future, if you decide to have more children, go with a surrogacy agency and separate egg donor so you can avoid this issue. OP is a man and commented that the surrogate is also the egg donor. i.e., the surrogate is the biological mother. OP has no physical relationship with the baby. His husband’s sperm fertilized the surrogate’s egg.”
Another Redditor focused on how complicated OP’s situation is.
This user said, “People can downvote me all they want, but the facts remain: traditional surrogacy is much more legally complex than gestational surrogacy because the surrogate is the biological mother of the child. For both intended parents to have parental rights for the child, the non-biological intended parent will likely need to complete a stepparent adoption following the baby’s birth.”
A Sad Situation
A lot of the community was saddened by the situation, with many calling out how wrong traditional surrogacy was.
One comment about traditional surrogacy hit home for a lot of posters, saying, “To be honest, I think this goes beyond the scope of am I the a**hole. It was a huge mistake to use a surrogate and use her egg. She is giving you her child. I’m glad you have papers, but dang, a legit agency set this up? I kinda want to say everybody sucks here, as in everything is sad here.”
It’s Her Child, Too
Then, others pointed out that no matter what contract or agreement OP and Roman claim they have, nothing will ever trump the fact that Maria’s the biological mom of the child.
One woman said, “She can sign whatever they want, but if it’s her egg and she’s carrying it, then she can absolutely claim partial custody. Not saying it’s right or wrong; just pointing out why it’s a terrible idea to have the bio mom carry the baby. It’s basically an adoption agreement.”
What do you think about OP and Maria’s situation? Is traditional surrogacy a bad idea, or should it be allowed in more states?
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This post first appeared as He Threatened His Surrogate With a Lawsuit and Told Her to Reimburse Him if She Insisted on Keeping His Baby. Now He’s Called a “Cruel, Unreasonable Jerk!” Was He Wrong? on Quote Ambition.