This mom hesitates to let her ex back into her and her daughter’s life. He’s been gone for 16 years, so why is he reaching out now?
A Little Backstory
OP (Original Poster) has a 16-year-old daughter. She said she got pregnant at 19 when she and her ex were in college.
She said she made it clear to her ex that if she were to get pregnant, she would never get the baby aborted. Her ex said he understood, and OP believed him; he didn’t say anything about not wanting kids or not sticking around if she did get pregnant when she told him about her decision.
The Tides Have Turned
OP did get pregnant, and the moment her ex knew about it, he stopped any form of contact and didn’t want to take responsibility for the baby. He also took it a step further by ruining OP’s reputation.
He told her friends and his family that OP planned the pregnancy and that she did it to trap him so they wouldn’t judge him. Her ex paid mandatory child support, which wasn’t much, and that was it!
A Loving Mom
No matter how hard it was to be a single mom, OP didn’t regret keeping her baby.
She said, “I love my daughter and wouldn’t change a thing. She’s wonderful and smart, and she’s my whole world.”
Sixteen Years Later
Recently, OP’s ex reached out to her on Facebook. He said that he wanted to be in his daughter’s life.
OP did some stalking online and found out that he was now married and his wife had problems getting pregnant.
You Were Not There During the Hard Times!
OP didn’t want to agree with her ex because, for 16 years, he had never once reached out to her to see how her daughter was doing.
She shared her frustrations and said, “It was me who had to drop out of college, work two jobs, endure the sleepless nights as a baby, and raise her. It was me that kept her belly full and kept her warm; he didn’t give a s**t.”
Facing the Stigma
OP continued and said that it was she, alone, who had to face judgment from society for being a single mom. Apart from that, she also had to endure her friends turning against her and her ex’s family’s harassment for what he had done before.
You Can’t Turn Back Time
For OP, her ex was too late. He reached out to her to be part of her daughter’s life when the hard parts were over.
She said, “Now that he wouldn’t be sacrificing his young years, now he’s finished partying, now he’s got his degree and job, and his wife can’t give him kids to complete his picket fence life, he wants the kid I raised for him? Knowing he doesn’t really have to do any work other than pick her up now and then.”
Picking At His Thoughts
OP shared her thoughts with her ex, and he got mad and told her that it was her choice not to abort the baby. This further angered OP, and it made her ask him to prove that he cared about her daughter—maybe he had a college fund for her that he paid into or something.
However, her ex did no such thing. This further cemented OP’s opinion that he was only reaching out because his wife was infertile.
Having a Heart-To-Heart Talk With Her Daughter
After everything, she sat down with her daughter to tell her that her dad was trying to reach out. However, she was also honest about what she thought her dad was trying to do.
OP told her daughter everything she said in the post, including that her dad might only be reaching out because his current wife couldn’t conceive a child.
Her Daughter’s Choice
Apart from telling her daughter what her dad’s like, she also asked her to think about things well. She also reiterated that she thinks her ex was not a good person and that his intentions weren’t where OP wanted them to be.
In the end, her daughter chose not to meet him.
Giving the Verdict
OP then told her ex about her daughter’s decision. He got angry and told her that she had ruined any chances of her getting to know her biological dad.
He said she was denying her a father, and OP replied that he was the one who did that—all on his own.
OP’s mom told her she did the wrong thing by poisoning his image of her even before they met. She said that her daughter probably feels rejected all over again because of what OP did.
Now, OP regrets possibly hurting her child and wants to know whether she did the wrong thing or not.
The Real Reason Behind Her Anger
In an edit, OP explains that she’s not mad that her ex turned his back on them. Instead, she’s angry at the fact that he’s reaching out to her daughter for the wrong reasons.
She also addressed some people trying to pick on her for not aborting her daughter. OP said, “My choice to have my daughter was my choice alone and not his fault; therefore, not relevant.”
What Redditors Think
Redditors stood by OP’s decision and said she did the right thing to protect her daughter.
A top commenter said, “You are protecting your daughter from a potentially traumatizing and harmful situation. It is one thing for him to give up parental rights and for it to remain that way, but what he is doing is treating her like she is some sort of trend of the month. What is going to happen when he realizes she is a complex, multilayered human with a lot of thoughts and feelings and likely a lot of negative feelings towards him?”
Be a Bit More Open-Minded
Though they think she did the right thing, some people advise OP to keep an open mind and not be too caught up in her emotions.
One person commented, “Try not to let your feelings about him cloud your judgment too much. I never knew my ‘sperm donor;’ I only ever had what my mum told me, and she never hid the fact that she didn’t want me to have anything to do with him. I didn’t get the chance to form my own opinion of the man, and for all I know, he was mildly decent. And there is a small part of me that wishes I could have met him before he died—if only to see for myself who he was. And that part of me will never forgive my mum for denying me that.”
Your Daughter Should Never Be a Backup Child
Redditors also say that it was not OP’s fault to have such a bad opinion of him.
A woman said, “He chose not to be a part of her life, paid a minimal amount of child support, painted you as the pariah, and because he and his wife are struggling to conceive, now he’s interested in her after 16 years? How convenient he has a backup child! Now she means something to him.”
What would you do if you were in OP’s shoes? Do you think she was right to give her daughter all her opinions of her ex before she met him?
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This post first appeared as He Turned His Back on Her After He Got Her Pregnant. 16 Years Later, He’s Reaching Out and Wants to Be Part of Her Daughter’s Life, but Only Because His Wife Is Infertile! on Quote Ambition.