This mom was furious that her mother-in-law touched her daughter’s hair without her permission. She’s so angry that she’s forbidding her from meeting her child alone!
Married Into a White Family
OP (Original Poster) is a 39-year-old woman of South Asian descent, while her husband, Cole, also 39, and his family are White.
They have a 14-year-old daughter, Vihana, who has long and curly hair.
The Usual Visit
It was usual for OP’s mother-in-law, Connie, to take her daughter to her house for a weekend or holiday stay. So, she wasn’t worried that anything would happen when Connie and her father-in-law, Tom, took her for the weekend.
Nothing to Worry About
While her daughter was away visiting, OP was okay and never suspected anything could go amiss.
After all, the morning and night phone calls between OP and Vihana went smoothly.
The Revelation
However, after the visit, when OP’s mother-in-law dropped Vihana home, she was so shocked her jaw must have dropped! Vihana’s previously waist-length hair was now shoulder-length and straightened!
She was shocked to see the changes in her daughter’s hair.
Not According to Plan
This was all surprising because Vihana has been “determined” to grow her hair out since she was in the sixth grade. She has also expressed no other desire to straighten her hair before.
More Surprises and Confusion
Vihana was upset and crying as it wasn’t her will to change her hair’s texture and length. She explained to OP that her grandmother had done this herself and “lied” to her about OP giving her permission to do so.
Because of the lie, Vihana didn’t say anything about her hair when she and OP talked over the phone.
Cutting Visits
OP was angry at the disrespect and discussed how to handle the situation with her husband. After an hour of talking, they agreed to cut her mother-in-law’s visits to their daughter.
Now, OP’s mother-in-law wouldn’t visit her granddaughter alone “until she learned to respect Vihana’s boundaries.”
Father-In-Law’s Role?
To be sure, OP and Cole decided to call her father-in-law. They wanted to know if he was involved in the decision to shave and straighten their daughter’s hair.
He was more shocked as he had been fed the same lie as Vihana. He must have been embarrassed about his wife’s behavior as “he apologized profusely before hanging up.”
Necessary Confrontations
OP informed her mother-in-law about not seeing Vihana anymore via a text message. The message stated that the only condition for seeing Vihana was to apologize for shaving her hair and respect boundaries.
After OP sent the message, it was quiet for some time until she and her husband received a ton of texts. Her sister-in-law, Lucy, and her mother-in-law were furious about the decision to keep Vihana away.
A Father-In-Law’s Move
Her mother-in-law was angry about not seeing her granddaughter and angrier that OP informed the father-in-law—mainly because, as a consequence, he moved out of their home and is currently staying at a hotel.
To add fuel to the fire, not only did he move out, but he was even “contemplating their marriage.”
Nasty Accusations
Unfortunately, OP’s sister-in-law, Lucy, didn’t think what her mother did was wrong. She said it wasn’t a “crime” as she acted in her “daughter’s best interest.”
She thought it was all okay even though it was done without permission. She continued to say that OP wasn’t going to take care of her daughter and even called her a b**** for barring her own mother-in-law.
Redditors’ Reactions
Most Redditors were appalled that the mother-in-law lied to change her granddaughter’s hair and said OP wasn’t being a jerk. They also stated that cutting off the granddaughter’s hair was assault and that the OP should take legal action.
The top commenter said, “It wasn’t in your daughter’s best interest. It actively went against her desires and her body autonomy. She lied to your daughter and to her husband and actively did something she clearly knew was wrong. Well, she gets to pay the price. She’s one of those people who doesn’t believe any boundaries are meant for her, and she doesn’t have to respect them. And telling your daughter that you approved—that’s just disgusting. She’s trying to undermine your relationship. Wow. Not the a**hole.”
Broken Trust
There’s the issue of broken trust between OP’s mother-in-law and her entire family. Besides that, Reddit users noted that her mother-in-law’s lie could result in trust issues between her and her own daughter.
“It might be time to explain to her that no one has permission to do anything against her wishes. If it’s something she doesn’t like, she needs to call Mum and Dad as soon as possible,” said one user.
Another agreed, saying, “A discussion about bodily autonomy and boundaries absolutely needs to happen, especially since OP’s kid is a teenage girl. It’s heartbreaking to think she’d need to enforce those boundaries with someone she’s always trusted.”
Racist Actions
Many Redditors also noted that OP’s mother-in-law was being racist. They pointed out that she deliberately cut and straightened Vihana’s hair to make her look more White.
One commenter said, “Don’t forget the racism. I’m sure Grandma’s intentions were to ‘civilize’ her ‘non-White looking’ granddaughter. The way that the sister-in-law expressed just confirms it.”
“Not the a**hole. My immediate thought when you mentioned being South Asian and the long hair—very common in girls and women in the South Asian community—was that maybe your mother-in-law thought the granddaughter looked ‘too brown’ with her long hair and gave her a more ‘White do.’ Going that out of bounds to lie to your husband and granddaughter to chop off the girl’s hair—there is seriously something bigger here than her just wanting to give the kid a haircut,” said another.
It Was a Crime!
Although Lucy thought cutting the girl’s hair was not a crime, many Redditors thought differently. Most expressed their anger at the violation and termed it “assault,” further stating that an apology wouldn’t suffice.
According to one Redditor, “This is a crime in most jurisdictions in the US. OP may consider pressing charges. I absolutely would.”
Do you think OP was too harsh in forbidding her mother-in-law from seeing her daughter? Should she allow her mother-in-law to see Vihana?
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This post first appeared as She Forbade Her Mother-In-Law From Seeing Her Daughter After She Cut and Straightened Her Hair Without Permission. She’s Called “Horrible Names,” but She Isn’t Backing Down! Was She a Jerk? on Quote Ambition.
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