This woman advised against her transman friend’s plans to come out to his family. She only wanted the best for him, but he flipped out on her and said she was being a bad friend!
Her Friend, Sam
OP (Original Poster), a 23-year-old woman, has a friend named Sam, who’s the same age as her. Sam is a female-to-male transgender person; in simple terms, a transman.
She is only one of the few people who knows about Sam’s gender identity, and he generally still presents himself as female. The reason for this is that Sam’s family, specifically his mother, father, and grandfather, are horrible h*********.
A Huge Inheritance
However, as horrible as Sam’s grandfather might be, he is extremely wealthy, and Sam is about to inherit $2,500,000 when his granddad dies. For some, it might be hard to hide one’s identity, but OP believes that Sam’s grandfather would soon pass away due to his severe health conditions.
OP wrote, “Sam has seen the will and knows this for a fact, but he also knows he’ll be disowned if he came out as transgender to his family.”
Waiting It Out
Sam stayed in the closet and continued to present himself as female to avoid ruining his relationship with his grandfather. However, he did make some physical changes, like cutting his hair shorter and dressing more androgynously in college.
Although this is the case, Sam has always been very open about his plan to come out to his family and deal with the consequences after receiving his inheritance.
Different Social Standings
To give a bit more background, OP explained that she and Sam are friends, but their financial situations are very different because while Sam’s family is wealthy, OP’s family, on the other hand, is a poor, blended household of six children. Her family never starved, but luxuries were hard to come by, and there were instances where OP and her twin brother worked multiple part-time jobs to provide for their family.
OP added, “I—and my family as a whole—am in a much better position now money-wise, as I work two well-paying jobs, one of which is footing the bill for me to get my doctorate degree. But I still have a lot of money-related anxiety.”
Born With All the Privileges One Could Ever Wish For
Sam has never struggled financially because his family has always been wealthy, and his parents never hesitated to spoil him—-even now that he has a well-paying job as a hospital laboratory technician. Sam never bragged about having more money, though sometimes he would accidentally be insensitive about it.
OP wrote, “He once commented about how run-down my house was after seeing where my stepdad had patched up some leaky pipes with neon orange duct tape, for example. Despite this, Sam usually had dinner at my house about twice a week—oblivious that my parents budgeted for each meal very carefully and his being there was honestly an inconvenience. They both felt bad for him, though, and never said anything.”
Imagine the Things He Could Do!
On the day this was posted, at 5:30 AM, OP woke up with a call from Sam, telling her that he was considering coming out to his family soon. He thought that it was dishonest to continue lying for the money.
Sam asked for OP’s advice, and she was shocked but, in all honesty, told him that it was a bad idea. She explained that the $2,500,000 would allow Sam to finally live his dream life, pay off student debts, get a “s** change surgery,” buy a house, and more.
No Other Way to Help Out
She also pointed out to Sam that she was pretty confident he’d be thrown out of the house if he did come out. Sam lives at his parents’ guest house, and they even buy his groceries for him, so the money he makes from his job is usually spent on video games, clothes, collectibles, and other things he wants.
OP added, “He wouldn’t be able to stay with me if that happened because, on top of living in a one-bedroom apartment, I babysit my six-year-old immunocompromised younger brother twice a week, and I cannot risk cross-contamination from Sam, who is an essential worker.”
A Call Out of Nowhere
On top of all that, OP did not hold back in giving her opinion that Sam’s family wasn’t worthy of his honesty. Sadly, after all her explanation and advice, Sam burst into tears and hung up; OP was confused, but since it was only 5:45 AM, she just returned to bed.
While she has her own issues, OP admits that she cannot fully relate to Sam’s struggles and that she probably could have been nicer in voicing her concerns. However, in her defense, Sam woke her up too early, so she was kind of dazed and grumpy.
A Friend’s Accusations
When she woke up in the morning, Sam flooded her with text messages, saying she was a bad friend and a horrible person. He even accused her of being h********* and transphobic!
She noted, “Now, I could not give a d*** about a person’s s***** orientation or gender identity if you paid me. I am simply a deeply pragmatic person, and Sam knows this, so it really hurts to read these text messages.”
Was She Wrong?
OP can’t help but wonder if she made a mistake. Before responding to Sam’s texts, she decided to discuss things with her mother, who knew about Sam’s situation.
OP shared, “She says that it sounds like Sam had already decided to come out and was looking for support and validation instead of advice but didn’t want to outright ask for it. Mom also says that while she agrees with me, she thinks I could have been gentler and that I should apologize for the sake of the friendship.”
Advice From Mom
However, OP was conflicted because she doesn’t believe in “false apologies,” as they are demeaning to everyone involved. She also didn’t like that Sam went fishing for validation and support instead of just asking for it, as she thinks it is manipulative.
OP wrote, “As I’ve said before, I am a very pragmatic individual and think it would be foolish to give up so much money when you were so close to getting it. Still, I also know it has been for Sam to keep such a big part of himself a secret for so long.”
A Letter to Sam
After considering her mom’s advice, OP eventually sent an email to Sam, saying that she stands by what she said before and thinks that her advice was solid, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. She also apologized and said if what she said hurt him, it wasn’t her intention.
OP also said, “I would, of course, stand by and support Sam if he made the choice to come out, as it was his choice. But I also thought he should make sure he was both physically, emotionally, and financially stable before doing so.”
The Assistance She Could Offer
Aside from that, OP also sent Sam the information for the mental health clinic that she goes to, which offers three free Skype sessions with a counselor to help people cope with quarantine, and suggested that Sam talk things over with one. She also suggested that he get and compile his important personal documents—his SSC, birth certificate, passport, and more—and put them in a safe place; OP even offered to hold on to them if needed.
OP wrote, “Finally, I said he should make sure he has somewhere to live before coming out. I found a couple of cheap, like $500 per month, places on Craigslist for rent and put the links in. I even promised to pay for the first month’s rent if necessary.”
A Heartbreaking Call
An hour after sending the email, OP received a call from Sam, but her hands were covered in flour and eggs, so she asked her younger sister to answer and put the phone on speaker mode, believing it would be a calm discussion. Contrary to that, Sam blew up and yelled at her for about 30 minutes.
She wrote, “There were more accusations of being h********* and transphobic and accused me of calling him crazy. He called me a ‘robot.’ This one hurt the most, silly as it sounds, because I am on the autism spectrum and have a hard time understanding and expressing emotions in general, which I am very sensitive about.”
One-Way Friendship
Sam also told OP that he would never move into any of the apartments she suggested because they were “trashy,” and he wondered why he couldn’t just stay with her. OP tried to explain the situation about her little brother again, to which Sam responded with, “Why are you so worried about that brat? He isn’t your kid. Just forget about him right now,” and then he hung up.
Sam’s accusations and statements made OP’s sister, who’s bis***** and never really liked Sam, angry at him for saying those things despite the support OP’s family has given him. Her sister also pointed out that throughout the years of their friendship, it has always been her supporting Sam and never the other way around.
Her Eye-Opening Realizations
OP’s sister reminded her of the things she’s done for Sam and the things he never did and will never do for her, which, in all honesty, has given OP a lot to think about. Sam is an important friend to her, and she always wants the best for him.
She added, “But my sister is right that Sam has spent years expecting to be my number one priority and using me as an emotional crutch.”
The Community’s Suggestions
Redditors think OP was right for giving sensible and practical advice to her friend. Many of them are also incredibly understanding of Sam’s situation, but they believe things would be better if Sam hadn’t come out to his family yet.
A Redditor said, “Not the a**hole. Your advice, while unpleasant, was sound. It’s not even about the inheritance. It’s that he is living with horrible, transphobic parents who would disown him if he came out. It’s hard to know whether he’d be safe if he did come out or whether he’d be homeless or whatnot. He needs to get to a place where he can safely support himself before he comes out.”
Another person said, “Some people aren’t worth fighting. Besides, Sam asked for your advice. If he wasn’t ready to hear about it, he shouldn’t have asked. He’s probably in a very stressful situation that he wants to get out of, and you probably gave him a piece of reality he wasn’t ready to face, is all. Try to talk to him. After all, you meant no harm.”
Who’s the Real Bad Friend?
Some people believe that Sam’s the one who’s being a bad friend and not OP. They think that it would be totally reasonable if OP decides to cut ties with Sam.
A commenter wrote, “Personally, I think your sister is right. That really does not sound healthy, and it sounds like Sam has a lot of things he needs to work through and learn. I’ve had friends who’ve been in similar places where it was necessary for us to cut ties, and when I’ve done so, I’ve always made it clear that if things change, I’m happy to try again. I don’t think Sam is going to change for a while, though, so wish him the best and tell him good luck.”
Another Redditor said, “Sam sounds entitled, and when his family drops him on his a**, it’ll be one hell of a rude awakening. I feel for his struggles, though I could never personally understand it, but he doesn’t sound like a good friend. Friendships are a 50/50 effort; it’s exhausting to be the person who drops everything to support and cherish someone who won’t give you that same energy back when it counts. Don’t contact him again, and don’t apologize. Don’t let the rose-colored glasses slip back on your face. Sam owes you an apology, and he needs to figure s*** out on his own since he clearly doesn’t want any help.”
What advice would you give Sam if you were OP? Do you think OP is a bad friend?
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This post first appeared as She Forced Her Friend to Hide That He’s Transgender From His Homophobic Family, Saying He’d Risk His $2,500,000 Inheritance if He Came Out. Now He’s Accusing Her of Being “Homophobic!” on Quote Ambition.
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