OP (Original Poster) was excited to be part of her brother’s wedding, but everything changed when she learned her toxic ex was part of the entourage! Now, her family says she needs to “grow up!”
Wedding Planning
OP’s 29-year-old brother got engaged to his fiancé the summer this story was posted. They plan to get married the following spring or early summer and have since started planning their big day to the last detail.
The Entourage
The couple was working on putting their wedding party together, and they did a video call with OP a couple of weeks before this story was posted to ask her if she was okay with being a bridesmaid.
What an Honor!
As the groom’s older sister, she immediately agreed. She said she loved them both and was very happy for both of them.
Breaking the News
However, during the call, after OP had already agreed to be a bridesmaid, her brother “dropped a bomb” on OP.
She wrote, “He said that he hopes this doesn’t cause any issues, but he wants to ask my ex-husband to be one of his groomsmen.”
Red in Anger
OP immediately got annoyed and thought of all the negative things she had associated with him.
She asked, “What? Why? Are you serious? What the f***!”
High School Sweethearts No More
To give some background, OP explained that she and her ex-husband were high school sweethearts who married young at 23 years old! Then, they were divorced when they were 25.
A Toxic Relationship
She clarified that there was no abuse or infidelity. However, they had a “toxic relationship” and were too young to recognize it properly before getting married.
Eventually, they reached a point in their marriage where they just “hated each other.”
An Easy Divorce
Fortunately, OP and her ex-husband never had kids. Since they were young, they didn’t have many assets to split either.
She wrote, “The divorce was easy since neither of us wanted anything to do with the other. I moved away, got a new job, and started a new life. My ex stayed in our hometown—where my brother currently lives. I haven’t spoken to my ex in almost five years.”
Secret Friendship
OP’s brother had known her ex-husband for a long time, with them living in the same neighborhood and being each other’s brother-in-law at one point in their lives. However, OP didn’t know they remained close friends even after their divorce.
She explained that her brother had never once mentioned it to her. So, when she was told he was going to be a groomsman, she was blindsided!
Making an Effort to Keep the Distance
Her brother said that he understood it might be a “bit awkward,” but he argued it would only be for one day. He told her she and her ex wouldn’t have to walk down the aisle together anyway.
OP wrote, “He said they will try to do whatever they can to keep distance between us if needed, but that both me and my ex are very important people to him, and he wants both of us involved in his wedding.”
Hurting Heart
OP understands that “a lot of people” would probably call her “petty and immature,” but considering everything, she didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband. She said that there was a reason she hadn’t spoken to him in years.
She added, “I have no desire to speak to him. Let alone be in the same wedding party as him. There’s going to be a lot of wedding party activities that are going to involve being in close proximity to him for extended periods of time. I want nothing to do with that.”
Boycotting the Wedding
She explained everything to her brother and told him that if he was going to keep him as a groomsman, she couldn’t be a bridesmaid. At this point, she was considering not attending the wedding at all!
OP wrote, “This led to a bit of back and forth with my brother trying to bargain with me and convince me that it won’t be that big of an issue, and me pretty much telling him this is non-negotiable for me.”
Grow Up!
Since her conversation with her brother, OP has received messages and calls from her mom and younger sister. Sadly, her mom wasn’t on her side.
She told OP she needed to “grow up” and accused her of being “petty and immature.” OP’s mom told her that she should be able to handle being in the same general area as her ex for a short period of time to “support her brother.”
The Community’s Pieces of Advice
Some Redditors found it hard to pinpoint who to blame for the mess.
One 100% stood by OP, saying, “It’s his day; your brother can invite whoever he wants to participate. But you don’t have to accept the invitation. Everyone likes to crow that line about ‘blood is thicker than water,’ so maybe your brother could consider who’s most important to him at his wedding. Not the a**hole for choosing not to go if your ex is there, and your family is definitely the a**hole for failing to understand your position and badgering you about it.”
Another believed everyone did some wrong here, saying, “I think it’s more of an ‘everyone sucks here.’ Your brother should be okay with you not wanting to be a bridesmaid, and badgering you is an a**hole move. Your sister and mom are allowed to voice their thoughts once, but not repeatedly.”
Unnecessary Ultimatum
A good number of users sided with OP. They couldn’t understand why there was even a choice between her and her ex-husband.
“If my sibling decides he’d rather have a person I hate in his wedding party than me, I’d skip it too. It would be awkward and unpleasant to be the sibling attending as a guest while your ex is up there with your brother. I don’t think OP can be blamed for wanting to avoid that,” commented one user.
It’s Time to Move On!
However, for most, OP was definitely acting immaturely. It would have been a different story if her ex-husband abused her or was unfaithful, but none of that happened, so why was she still so hung up on the past?
One wrote, “OP says she moved on with her life, but if you can’t stand to be at the same event as someone else after seven years apart, and there wasn’t any abuse or cheating involved, then you haven’t really moved on.”
“She is willing to sacrifice her relationship with her brother over an ex who she chose to be with at one time, who she admits is a good person, just one she doesn’t wanna be around. She needs to hop on the maturity train and take a couple of laps,” remarked another user.
Do you side with OP? Or do you think she’s the one in the wrong here?
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This post first appeared as She Refused to Attend Her Brother’s Wedding After Learning Her Toxic Ex-husband Was a Groomsman. Now Her Family’s Calling Her “Petty” and “Immature,” Saying She “Needs to Grow Up!” on Quote Ambition.
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