This user made a savings account for her two biological children. After being told she had no say over her stepdaughter, she decided not to make her a savings account.
Building a Family
OP (Original Poster) got together with her partner four years before she posted this story.
He has one eight-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. When he and OP got together, his daughter was four years old.
OP said, “I immediately cared for her for half a year because her mom needed to ‘get her stuff together’ after a bad relationship, and I work from home, so it made sense.”
Ever since, she has taken an “active role in parenting and nurturing her,” despite being told she wasn’t the girl’s mother and had “no say” in her upbringing. The situation has always rubbed OP the wrong way because she does “99% of her care and needs” when she stays with OP and her partner.
New Life Enters the World
OP noted she got pregnant with her first child, a girl, after four months of living together with her partner. Then, when her first kid was eight months old, she discovered she was pregnant once more with her second child, this time a boy.
Now, her kids are three and one year old, respectively.
Saving for the Future
When she learned she was pregnant with her first child, she started a savings account and routed money to it every pay period. Once she learned of her second pregnancy, she doubled the amount so that her two children could have an equal amount.
She also mentioned the two savings accounts to her partner in passing, but he didn’t care.
OP said, “He doesn’t contribute to the account. It’s only me, and only I have access.”
Months after that initial conversation, OP brought up the subject of the savings accounts once more. She asked him if he and his ex-wife had started a savings account for their daughter.
He admitted they hadn’t even discussed it, much less ever started anything.
Trying to Prevent Future Drama
OP then told him he probably should, as his ex-wife isn’t “reliable in terms of money.” On top of that, their two children would receive the money from their savings accounts after graduation, and she didn’t want any “animosity” over it.
He agreed that he didn’t want animosity between all the kids over the savings accounts and left it at that.
After that, OP noted, “I don’t ask questions because she’s not my kid, as they’ve told me, so I never mentioned it again.”
Addressing a Video
The topic appeared again while OP watched a TikTok with her friends. During the video, she mentioned that her kids have savings accounts with money set up for them.
What About the Other One?
Her friends then asked about her stepdaughter.
She replied, “I will ensure she is safe, fed, and knows she is loved. But she’s not my child or my responsibility, so why would I take away from my biological kids to give to her when she has two parents who can do for her what I do for mine alone?”
OP admitted she got “pushback” from her friends on her answer.
They told her that she needed to accept her stepdaughter if she accepted her partner. Her friends believed she should treat her stepdaughter as if she had birthed her, too.
She agrees with her friends, so she makes it a point to buy her stepdaughter what she buys for her biological kids. She also does her best to treat her like her child when she stays with them.
When they go out, she noted that most strangers don’t even know her stepdaughter isn’t hers unless she tells them. However, OP also doesn’t see why she should have to create a savings account for her stepdaughter when her parents don’t care to.
OP returned later to edit additional comments to her post, saying, “My stepdaughter is not treated differently by me. She is loved, happy, and always excited when it’s our time with her. She doesn’t want to go home, but we can’t keep her until the judge decides, so we take her back to her mom as instructed. We talk daily, and I adore her like my own kids.”
She then added, “Dad is active in all three lives. He works from 7 AM to 5:30 PM every day, but when he’s home, he FaceTimes his daughter to hang out while he takes care of the kids so I can get my own time and do whatever else. He pays for all the children’s expenses and would fully pay mine if I let him.”
Redditors Chime In
The community stood on OP’s side, stating that it was great that she bought things for her stepdaughter, but that didn’t necessarily mean she had to set up a savings account for her, too, especially since they didn’t have full custody.
One user wrote, “Not the a**hole. Her father and mother need to step up and set up the savings account. It would be nice of you to contribute, but they should contribute the bulk.”
Another Redditor said, “Not the a**hole. You’ve been right to do things like buy her treats or toys when you get those for your biological kids. That’s basic fairness and something especially relevant to little kids, like making her feel loved, having another grownup in her corner, etc. But even among biological kids, things aren’t always fair or even. My dad and brother go on expensive hunting trips. But my dad also helps us pay for major home remodeling expenditures. I’d never get salty about not going on a trip because I’m much more practical about spending even my cash. If this was a situation where, say, your stepdaughter’s mother was dead, incarcerated, or wholly absent, it’d be a nice gesture to open an account, but even then, not enough to make you the a**hole if you didn’t.”
Do you think OP should have already set up a savings account for her stepdaughter? Or was she right to hold off since she had no say over her stepdaughter and wasn’t her parent?
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This post first appeared as She Refused to Make a Savings Account For Her Stepdaughter Alongside Her Biological Kids Because She’s “Not Her Parent” and “Has No Say” With Her. Was She a Jerk? on Quote Ambition.